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February 2, 2011

You're still God...

1/22/11

It was our first Sunday back at Church since the funeral. I stepped out of bed knowing it would be a tough day. I wondered how many times I would cry and how many hugs I would receive, but I was thankful anyway as my family headed out the door. I debated even putting makeup on, which if you know me, this is a very rare occurrence. I do not like to go anywhere without my makeup. =)

I don't remember a whole lot of the beginning of the service, I cried and cried. Just before my Pastor got up to preach though a song was sung. I listened to the words as Amanda sang and I cried more...

I thought that it would happen, to anyone but me.
I never dreamed that I would carry this heavy burden on my knees.
I never thought that I'd be standing just where I stand today.
I've never known this kind of heartbreak,
I've never known this kind of pain.

But you're still God when my eyes have cried a million tears.
You're still God when my last hope has disappeared.
You're still God and I know you'll make a way somehow,
You're still God and your holding me right now....

My heart can't find the answer or the reason for this trial.
But I know your ways are perfect and you've been watching all the while.
For to me you've proven faithful time and time again,
And I'm learning Lord to trust even when I don't understand

But you're still God when my eyes have cried a million tears.
You're still God when my last hope has disapeared.
You're still God and I know you'll make a way somehow.
You're still God and your holding me right now.
You're still God and your holding me right now.

Wow, what words. What truth. What a song...

I felt like another song had been written and sung just for me. It was like God breathed those comforting words into that music and He was holding me as I listened. I watched my Husband sitting up on the platform with the same expression I had. Wow. And as I looked at him and he looked at me we both knew what each other was thinking... HE IS STILL GOD!

Tell me that He's not still God. Tell me I should be angry. Tell me you think I'm fake and all this talk of God's grace isn't real. Tell me that and I will tell you....

You're wrong!

He is still God and I praise Him for it! I understand and know that everyone reading this may not know the Lord. You may not be a Christian. You may not have a peace and grace when you go through trials. Let me tell you, you can!

I fall and I fail but He is still God. I may not understand this all and may question from time to time because I'm still human. I hope you can understand this. I hope you can know.

After an amazing song and preaching service I went home encouraged. Very sad, still heartbroken, but encouraged.

I have to admit, I feel like a bit of a roller coaster these days. Up and down, up and down. And to be honest, I've embraced that. It's all a part of the grieving process and I am smack in the middle of it.

When I started feeling down again later that day, I decided to read some of the many, many messages I've received in my facebook inbox. And if you have been one of the many who have written to encourage me, let me tell you THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. They have helped me so very much.

I had been reading a few a day and taking one mesage at a time in hopes not to become too overwhelmed. The very first message that I went to and the first message I opened on this day, read this...

"I know you don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that I have prayed for you and your family! I too have lost a child...my son was 5 days old. I don't understand why God allows a parent to suffer such loss, but I do know that He is still God. The McKamey's song "You're Still God" was the song that spoke to me when my Dyllon passed away. I hope that somehow it will speak to you as well. If you would like to "friend" me and ever "talk", I would love to be a listening ear..."

Coincidence?

I don't think so... That's my God and He is SO VERY REAL!

9 comments:

  1. Honestly Nat, you'd think I would have learned by now to have some tissues right next to me before I start reading your daily blog posts!

    This is so precious! I lost it at the end when I read the facebook message from Stacy. There are mommy's all over this earth that feel your pain and hurt with you. If we could all rip our hearts out and give them to you right now we would! Something I used to find comforting was just knowing I wasn't alone. I wasn't the first mother to lose a child, and sadly, I wasn't the last either. Even though you wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is comforting knowing that there are others who have walked this valley. Each story is a little different, just like each precious child was different. We all love you Natalie!

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  2. You don't know me, but I saw a link to this blog from a FB friend and I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family! Hugs and Prayers! Thank you for sharing your story of God's amazing grace!

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  3. Natalie,
    This blog is a beautiful tribute to little Maddie. What a wonderful mother you are. You have so much love in your heart. I am challenged and encouraged by your God given strength every time I read a post of yours. Prayers are given up daily for you and your family. We love you,

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  4. I wish it did not have to be, but your are honoring our Father so much in your pain.

    May the Joy of Morning and your beauty for Ashes be a treasure in your hands.

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  5. Natalie,

    My heart aches for what you are going through.

    I am lifting you up tonight. . .

    We lost our little man to SIDS in May and I know from personal experience that losing a child is a long hard road. I've journaled our experience on my blog, which you are welcome to check out. . .

    http://www.firefightersfamily-dhjc.blogspot.com

    Praying that you will be carried by a Strength greater than you own.

    Hayley

    (* Emily, Rachel B's sister-in-law sent me the link to your site)

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  6. Today's post sent chills up my spine as I read it. Def. not a coincidence - all God's plan.

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  7. Wow, I googled the lyrics to this song and found this post... You are such an inspiration to me. I am praying for you and your entire family. Madeline was so beautiful, and now she's with her maker just waiting for you. I wish you the best! ♥

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  9. Natalie,
    I know a lot of time has passed since you started this blog. I however, just "stumbled" upon it a few days ago. It has already been a blessing to me, in just the few entries I've read.

    God has an amazing way of working. My husband and I lost our dearly loved and wanted first baby, Zedekiah (which means God is Just, by the way :-) ) on Oct. 31st. He passed away in his sleep, in my arms at 3.5 days old.

    It has been a comfort to read your posts and feel like I'm not alone in how I feel and in what I've been experiencing. Your reminders of God's Word and His truths and promises have been so encouraging to me.

    Thank you. Know that God continues to work through your story and through your vulnerability to share it, even in the pages you wrote several years ago.

    Sarah

    January 13, 2014 at 11:07 PM

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