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February 4, 2011

In The Night...

1/26/11

I've talked many times in my posts about how the nights are the hardest for Rick and I. When the house has gone quiet and the boys are in bed and there is just silence surrounding us. In those moments we miss her the most. In those moments we can't help to think of our girl.

I've been dreading writing a post for this date, because on this night, something happened that no mother should have to experience. I visited a place where no heart should have to go.

I considered even skipping over talking about it, but I can't. For in this blog and in these words I want to be real with you. I want my heart to speak. I don't want to leave out the bad and only talk about the good. I want to write it all. So here goes...

I went to bed late that evening. Rick and I had done devotions and prayed just before laying down. I felt God's presence on this evening but I was weeping. I was really missing Madeline. Rick was too.

A little later, I finally noticed he had stopped tossing and turning and had fallen to sleep. I still couldn't, but was starting to feel sleepy so I tried to pray until I fell asleep. My mind was wandering when I drifted off.

The next thing I remember, I sat straight up in my bed, very startled. "Where is she?" "Where is she, Rick, where is the baby?" I called out.

I was half awake but a little asleep still. Very confused... "Rick, where is the baby?" I asked again...

I remember myself looking around. I was feeling the covers and reaching down. I reached for where her basinet had once been. "Where is she?" I screamed

I had woken Rick up by now and very confused he asked "Where is who, Nat?" "The baby, where is she?" I replied again now, starting to fully wake up.

"Nat, you know where she is, she's in Heaven." Rick replied with a crack in his voice.

He grabbed me and held me as I screamed out "NO!" "No, no, no..." She can't really be gone. She can't.

It was like I was losing her all over again. It was the exact same feeling. I was in shock and disbelief. She really wasn't here. She was with the Lord, and even though I knew that, it hurt so very much.

I don't know what prompted this. I don't know if I was having a nightmare and it woke me up. I still don't know, but I remember the moment of panic that came over me and the calming prayer of my sweet husband. Oh the prayer of a Man of God. There is nothing like it.

As I laid in his arms and we wept together, God once again reached down and calmed us. He helped me catch my breath and know He was still there. As scary and awful of a moment of grief I had just experienced, He was still there.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

I didn't go back to sleep that night. I prayed.

I remember as the sun came up that morning that I was still struggling. I was at my weakest point yet. I was reaching for joy as I pulled myself out of bed, trying to press forward and put one foot in front of the other.

I took Noah to school and cried as I dropped him off. Poor Eli looked so sad and I remember feeling so bad that he no longer had a playmate at home. I pictured so many times him and I sitting around with Maddie Grace singing her songs and playing with her. Just a hope or thought I guess of what would of been.

As I drove away from the school, I was broken. My poor family, we have lost so much. I saw the tears in Eli's eyes in the rear view mirror, then I saw mine. I hated that my family was in pain. I wished in that moment I could take it all away. I wanted so much to be the Mom who could fix everything and make it all better, but kisses couldn't heal this boo boo. How do you heal a broken heart?

I turned up the cd that was playing and I listened as I drove. It was the song I had played at Maddie Grace's funeral. I love these words.


"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this? people say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So ! will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you" ~Selah


I kept playing the song over and over. I just wanted those words to be true. I knew they were, but I needed to hear them again and again and again. They were such a comfort to me.

I kept driving and listening and driving and listening.

I found myself over by the cemetery. I wanted to go in but the sad truth is, I didn't know where to go. I had not yet been. I drove and looked for the angel that I knew was there by her grave. I looked for the spray that they took over after the funeral. I couldn't find it. I didn't know where to go... I felt so helpless, I felt like I had let her down. I felt so weak.

I needed God to carry me. I drove strait home, completely in tears. I went inside and reached for my Bible. I needed the Lord.

I read Psalms 13

1 How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever?
How long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
2 How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and hear me, O LORD my God:
lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
4 lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him;
and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
5 But I have trusted in thy mercy;
my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
6 I will sing unto the LORD,
because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

Wow! There is nothing like the word of God! What a comfort. David had been there, his heart was broken too. The truth is God never leaves us. In those moments that we are the weakest we have ever been, He is there with His perfect strength waiting to make us whole. We just have to go to Him. Push everything else aside and go strait to Him. Just go to God. For there is no one else that knows our hearts and our souls. There is no one else that can make us whole, but God!

I'm so very thankful for this promise. In my darkest hour and my weakest state, I still have the one who can make me whole. Thank you Lord, Thank you.

Psalm 30:a As for God, his way is perfect:
32: It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way
perfect.

2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made pefect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

4 comments:

  1. Natalie,
    Every time I read this I have to remind myself that this was not 10 years ago, this was not even last year, that this is your real time. And I am amazed at the presence of God and His mercies that seem to be not only new every morning, but every hour for you.

    thank you for having the strenght to share them.

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  2. Natalie,
    I don't know if you remember me from Crown, but I have been praying for you and your sweet family. The Lord's mercy and strength are so evident in your life. Thank you for being brave enough to share these moments. It has been such a blessing to me, and has made me do some soul-searching. I usually sit in tears as I read your blog. Yesterday, I read Psalms 71:1-3 My favorite verse was v3"Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou has given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress." This is truly evident in your life!

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  3. Natalie, I wish I could hug you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little daughter. I lost my infant son in July of 2009. He was 2 weeks old, and I had never brought him home. I know exactly what you mean about nights being so bad. Through the day, I'm able to stay busy with my older son and my husband. But, once the lights go out and everyone else is sleeping, that's when my mind doesn't stop.
    Our preacher preached the story of David's baby at Landon's funeral. I had heard it before, but it took on a completely new meaning for me, after watching my own baby die. Just as David said, I can't bring him back, but praise the Lord, I can go to him. That is the only peace I was able to find in the beginning. Time helps, it truly does (and you will hear that a lot) But, your heart will always search for your little Maddie.

    I don't know you, but I do know your husband's grandfather, Richard. I worked with him for a few years in Lebanon. A friend of mine told me about your sweet little baby, and I've wanted to reach out to you. Please, if there's anything you could possibly need, send me a message through here or something. I've been where you are, and I want to help you if there's any way I can.

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  4. Natalie,
    I stumbled across the link to this blog by way of Facebook and began to read the story thinking this was long ago or far away. Then I noticed the dates and names sounded familiar so I began to scramble back through them when I finally notice your name as author of these heart-melting messages. I was 'weeping with them that weep' before I even realized it was you!
    I don't know if you remember me but I did some Home Interiors parties for your family several years ago. I felt an instant bond in Christ with you and your family and have happened across their paths on several occasions over at Atrium and other places.
    Anyway I wanted to let you know that we're praying for you and your precious family as God leads you (or carries you) through these 'deep water' days. Keep blogging. God is using you to encourage and strengthen others even in this dark hour.

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