The next morning I woke up feeling very alone... Rick had go back to work and it was the first time I was without him since we lost Maddie Grace.
The boys were home with me which helped but I was missing my girl and I didn't have my husband to lean on. So I went to the Lord. It's amazing how He always gives us what we need in our moments of despair.
I spent the morning trying to do normal things... Make breakfast, clean up and just be a Mom to two very deserving little boys. I was watching movies and playing games with them and just trying to do "normal" things. That's when it happened.
My precious Eli who just turned 3 years old walked over to me and asked me "Mommy, when is Baby Maddie coming home?"
I sat there frozen for a moment...
Then I took a deep breath, picked him up and placed him on my lap.
I told him that Baby Maddie was in Heaven with Jesus. "She is?" he replied.
I picked up her picture and we looked at it for a moment. I then told him, "yes, she is. She had a hard time breathing so God decided to let her come live in Heaven with Him."
I then went on to explain a little bit about Heaven to him and within just a few moments he lost interest and found a toy to play with. Typical 3 year old. =)
I sat there for a moment and then excused myself to another room to cry. I didn't want him to relate Heaven with sorrow. For I know there is no sorrow there. I wanted him to have happy thought of his little sister. Not relate her to Mommy constantly crying.
I was hurting pretty bad and I knew I needed to get alone with the Lord for a little while. I prayed and begged God for more grace and strength so I could continue to be Mommy for the day. He answered and gave me what I needed.
By the time Rick got home I was so ready to fall into his arms and have him hold me. Sometimes, I feel like I have reverted back to being a child. I just want to be held, it's the only thing that seems to help. My rollercoaster ride had continued to another day. Up and down, all day long.
I wondered if the ride would ever slow down, for I know I could not get off the ride, this was now my life. But I was hoping that it wouldn't be quite so bumpy all the time. I was exhausted with grief.
The next day was Saturday and I was so glad. Rick and I decided to do what we do every Saturday, take the boys to brunch. I was a little nervous about running into people I know, I've lived in this town my whole life and feel like I know everyone. I guess I just worried about having to cry in public and deal with telling the story over and over.
We decided to go anyway and met with my Brother and his family. My little nephew and my boys put a smile on my face as they talked about Disney World and Mickey Mouse. They were playing with some characters and giggling and in that moment I thought, okay, things seem a little more normal right now.
We enjoyed lunch and sharing conversation and just being together with family. I'm so blessed to have such a great one. =)
Later that night, Rick and I had decided to go to a concert. The Booth Brother's were in Dayton and our good friend Joey had bought tickets for us.
I wasn't sure if I would be able to sit that long and if I would make it through without crying but Rick really wanted to go and so I went.
That was best decision I made that day! What a blessing!
We listened as they sang a song "Tears are a language that God understands." We listened as they sang "In Christ alone." I was hanging on to every single word they said. Listening and crying.
I had never realized just how big music could be in life. I didn't realize what a comfort it could be. And as I listened and my husband and I cried and held each other, we both felt such peace.
During the intermission I had the opportunity to speak with one of the sweetest ladies I know. Leah has known Rick and his family for a very long time. I'm thankful to have met her. She was the one who took my beautiful maternity pictures and family portraits last fall.(so thankful for those)She was planning to come take pictures of Maddie Grace in her nursery once she arrived. I'm so sad that never happened. =( Anyway, she encouraged me and loved on me for a while and I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to have such great people in my life. What a blessing. I was so glad that I decided to come that night.
We made our way back to our seats and Rick showed me something. Mr. Jim Brady had given him one of their Booth Brother CD's and let Rick know that they had been praying for us, WOW! Isn't God good? That encouraged me.
I was looking so forward to hearing the rest of their beautiful music and feeling close to the Lord. Then they sang a song that touched me so very, very much. I listened and thought to myself what an encouragement. Then something very special happened. As he sang these words, Jim pointed toward the area where Rick and I were sitting and raised His hand to the Lord as he sang this...
"There are those in this life who’ve been dealt a poor hand
They’ve overcome and by God’s strength they stand
Those who have come through unbearable loss
Not defined by the past but defined by the Cross
I see grace; I see grace
In every life; on every face of the faithful who gather each week in this place....
I see grace"
WOW!!! What a song that he has written! I felt like he had written it for Rick and I. What words! What truth! What grace!
Isn't God good?
I can tell you over and over how God has given me a little more and a little more and a little more grace each day. And if I can do my best in this life that God has given me, not to let anything define me but the Cross, how can I go wrong?
I want to see grace in my life. I want to show Maddie Grace in my life. I want to show my Lord to this world and remind them that only "HE" can give us such grace...
Acts 11:23 Who, when he came, and hasd seen the grace of God, was glad, and exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord.