Well, it finally came, another first I would have to get through without my sweet Maddie Grace. This time is was my first holiday without her.
If you know me, you know how big holiday's are to me. I've always loved going all out for our boys, and making many special memories for them.
My Mom always had a way of doing this for my brother and I, and it has carried on as one of my traditions. I love the detail of the "little things" in life and I enjoy doing them.
I'm the Mom who buys the "first" everything from the onsie's, to the bibs, and even the socks. =) I take pictures like it's going out of style and I cherish every minute. I love all the milestones in my sweet babies lives. I wish so much I could go through each and every one of these milestones with Maddie.
Today was Valentines Day.
It is a holiday that I love and look so forward to. What's not to love? Lots of red and pink, hearts and love, yummy treats and kisses. I have always loved this sweet day and I was really excited about it being Maddie Grace's "first" holiday with us.
So, as the day came and she wasn't here, I felt a little down inside. I woke up trying to put on my brave face and smile. Never letting on to anyone that my heart was completely broken and I was falling apart inside.
I took Noah to school and dropped off cupcakes and cookies. I spent the day there watching him smile and laugh with all his classmates. All the kids were full of sugar, and loving every minute of their Valentine Party.
Noah was thrilled that his valentine box won first place. Elijah was just excited to see Noah and his classmates, as I snapped pictures for the yearbook.
I couldn't help but finding myself feeling sad, even though on the outside I was smiling for my boys.
I sat and listened as the high school class presented poems and I snapped more pictures. One of the poems talked of a "sparrow" and of course I was tearing up. I was really missing my little birdie girl.
After I left the party, I ran to get the boys a special Valentine balloon. I always give them special treats each year, and having had a busy weekend, I hadn't had time to pick up any. So, I ran to get them one to have for after school.
I stood in the store with two balloons in my hand, everything in me was trying not to break down. I had a moment of "it's not fair" as I stood there with only 2. I wanted to buy one for Maddie. I wanted her to be a part of this holiday that I had looked so forward to having with her.
I wanted to put her in the Valentine tutu and "Daddy's little Valentine" onesie that was in her drawer waiting for her. I wanted to put a big bow on her head and snap a million pictures for her scrapbook. I wanted to see my boys kissing her all day long. I wanted to kiss her too.
I was so broken on the inside. This is not how it was "supposed" to be... I was having a hard time.
I grabbed another balloon and made my way to the checkout with tears in my eyes. The cashier caught eyes with me and made small talk. I held back my emotions and pretended to be a happy girl with not a care in the world. Inside I was aching.
I left the store and headed to the cemetery with my little red heart balloon. This was my second visit.
I know it seems silly, and Maddie is in Heaven having no thought of my Valentine's day breakdown, but for some reason it helped. I walked over to her little grave and stuck the little red balloon in the ground. She had her balloon too.
I cried for a little while and sat there missing her. My arms are still aching so much to hold her everyday. Oh what I would give to kiss her sweet cheeks and snuggle her again on my chest. Oh what I would do to have her back in my arms and in my life forever. I know this can't be, so in the meantime I will just miss her.
I tell my husband numerous times everday "I just miss her."
Im not mad or angry. I just miss her, everyday, so much. For there is no cure for a broken heart, only prayer and time.
Everyday, I pray for God's strength and healing, and He does provide. I ask for His grace and He gives me much but in my heart I still hurt. In my heart, I still ache. In my heart, I still weep because I miss my little girl.
I made my way back home feeling a little better. I grabbed the mail on my way inside and saw a box laying by my front door. I noticed the name on the box. Julie, a sweet friend from college had sent me a package. I opened the box and found this adorable little bear. How fitting and perfect for me that day. What a sweet reminder of my sweet girl.
God knew I need a little pick me up. A little reminder that my sweet girl would always be in my heart no matter how many days passed without her.
Once again, God found a way to cheer me up and send another little (hug) my way. My litte girl was remembered by not just me on this sweet day, but many others too, including Julie. I read in the card that she had debated sending this to me. I'm sure glad she did. This thrilled my heart and I was able to smile.
A little while later, I presented my little boys with their balloons and treats and they were completely thrilled. Oh the simple things in childhood, only if everyday we could find the joy in such sweet simple things. I spent the rest of my day with my little loves cherishing them and loving on them, still thinking of my little girl.
As my husband came home that night, he knew. He could tell this was one of my "hard" days. He let me cry, he listened to me talk about her, and he reminded me how much he missed her too. He helped to make my holiday without her a little easier. Oh I am so thankful for him and his love.
I am thankful for my little boys who love me like there is no tomorrow.
If I could remember to do the same, all day, everyday.
So what is the heart of it all? My heart may be broken but I know this...
My God gave me His Son in such love and compassion.
The heart of it all is this...
My Jesus willingly gave His life out of his great love.
For what greater gift of love is there than this?
For my heart may be completely broken and overwhelmed. I may miss my girl so much, but I know she is with God. And because of his love, I will see her again. For there is no love, like the love of God. It is the ultimate love story in this life.
For God so loved the world that he gave his only beggotten son, that whosoever believeth in him, should not perish but have everlasting life.
Thank you Lord for your love.
I Samuel 16:7b For the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward apearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.
Thank you Lord for knowing my heart. Thank you Lord for your comfort.