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February 6, 2011

On the inside...

1/27/11

Well It's safe to say that this last night was much easier than the one before. The Lord blessed me and I was actually able to get a little bit of rest. I am beginning to feel some what human again; still hurting but able to breathe a little easier.

I went about my day trying to do normal, usual things. Although, I knew I had something ahead of me that day that I was dreading, the dentist.

Many people don't like the dentist for obvious reasons. I was dreading it however for a very different one.

You see, I had spent some time there just prior to the birth of Maddie Grace. I woke up about a week before I had her with a terrible toothache. I can pretty much describe the pain as "worse" than labor. It was awful. My sweet husband had gotten me in to see the dentist so they could help me with the pain. I hadn't been able to sleep at night and he knew with me being so late in my pregnancy, and close to giving birth, I needed all the rest I could get.

So, he made me an appointment and I went. It turns out that I had an infection under one of my teeth and was in desperate need of a root canal. Since I was 38 weeks pregnant and so close to delivering, the dentist advised against it. So I lay there, with my big belly while they gave me a shot of antibiotics and tried to relieve some of the pressure and pain.

I remember feeling Maddie kicking and moving the whole time. I talked with the nurse after of how much I was anticipating meeting her. The dental aide was so excited for me, along with the dentist and front desk secretary.

Everywhere I went, I was eager to tell everyone of the "little girl" that I was looking so forward to meeting. They had scheduled me out for about 3 weeks post delivery so I could come in and get my dreaded root canal. I didn't even care about the pain of the procedure; I was already in pain with my tooth. I left the office that day with a smile and excitement thinking the next time I would see them; I would have my little girl.

So, as I prepared this day to go, I struggled. What would they say to me? Had they heard of my news? How would I tell them? I didn't know how to approach this, so I called Rick.

He decided to call over and let them know ahead of time what had happened. He told them of our little girls passing and asked them not to say anything to me because of my fragile emotional state. Little did I know how much worse this would be on me.

I arrived at the dentist, completely different than I had just 4 short weeks prior. No big belly, no smile, just emptiness.

I walked in and the lady at the front greeted me. Not a word about the baby.

This killed me.

Then I was escorted back to the room by the dental aide. I could tell by the look on her face that she knew. Again, not a word; I was dying on the inside. She asked how my tooth was feeling. I broke into tears as I sat down. I said "To be honest, my tooth is the last thing on my mind, I'm just here because I have an appointment." She looked at me with a sad face. I asked her if she knew of my news and she explained that she had been asked not to say anything.

I cried harder.

I showed her a picture of Madeline and told her that she had passed away. This sweet lady (and mother of 4 herself) felt for me. I knew she did. As the dentist walked in and saw me crying he asked and I then told him. He already knew, but It hurt me more I think not to talk about it, than to talk about it. "These things happen for a reason." he replied as he laid my chair back.

My heart went numb. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted someone to cry with me, hurt with me. I was dying on the inside. I was broken.

The next two hours I listened to them drill my teeth. Not a word, just silence. I laid there thinking about what he had said. Tears were streaming down my face as they worked. I know they could tell I was falling apart in that chair. It was complete agony.

My mind wandered to the last time I was there. I was feeling my sweet baby kick and squirm inside of me. I remember thinking "Not much longer, Maddie, you'll be here soon."

Oh what I didn't know.

At this point I was really crying. The dentist asked if I was okay. With a mouth full of instruments I replied "yes."

Well, that was a lie. I wanted to scream out, "Stop, I can't take it anymore! I have to go. I can't breathe. I'm dying on the inside, can't you see, I'm dying!" but instead I sat there. Silence filled the room.

Oh the pain.

I soon realized it was too soon. I wasn't ready to be in public. I wasn't ready to face this world. I needed more time.

I left the office that day in pieces. I drove home to my boys and I sat and cried with my sweet Mother in Law. It was too much too soon.

A little while later we were supposed to go to a birthday party for my niece. I never made it over to the store to buy her a gift, for I knew it would be too much for me to go into the girl department. A place I had dreamed of shopping for many years to come.

I found myself dreading things I once loved, even shopping. I just couldn't go. I was starting to wonder if this would ever get easier. I felt so sad, so empty and in so much pain.

We put some money into the card and went to the party. I honestly didn't know if I would make it through. I had been crying all day and I didn't want to ruin her birthday, but I was a mess.

I walked into the party and looked around the room. I saw all the faces of Rick's sweet family and it encouraged me. I sat down and immediately I was asked how I was doing. Finally, someone asked.

I poured my heart out to my sweet sisters, Annette and Becky. They comforted me and gave me so many words of encouragement. More than that though, they just talked about my sweet Maddie. If there is one thing I love, it is hearing people talk about her.

I know it seems like I wouldn't want people to bring her up, for fear of a painful breakdown. This is not so, I want to talk about her, I want to hear her name. I want to feel like she really was here; living and breathing and leaving a mark on this world. I wanted that.

It was so obvious to me at this point, that not talking about it was worse. So, as we sat and spoke of my sweet girl and the things that had taken place I realized, that this was what I needed. I needed to talk of her, everyday, I need to hear that she was a part of this life and this family.

I'm so very thankful for my friends and family who are willing to do so. I'm thankful that I can come here to this blog and pour my heart out about my girl. It's my therapy, my healing process.

I'm also so thankful that I can go to my God. He knows my thoughts and he knows my heart. And when no one else can possibly understand how I feel on the inside.

He does.

He knows everything about me, especially my pain. Thank you Lord for strength!


Psalms 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

8 comments:

  1. Once again, I had to read this in segments because my eyes couldn't focus on the words through the tears.

    I wish I could have been with you at that dentist appt. I would have hugged you, cried with you, and talked about Maddie with you. And, someone needs to teach a class on instructing people in what to say when talking to someone who has just had a great loss! I got that sentence too, a lot.

    But, the more I think about it, I guess "well wishers" really couldn't know what to say unless...
    A) They've been through it
    or
    B) They are Christians

    Next time you hear that all too familiar sentence from someone, you can reply...
    "Yes, sometimes the Lord does allow things like this to happen, and I do know He has a reason for it. And, I'm thankful for His promise of Heaven to His children and that I'll get to see her again!" :)
    I know I've said this before, but if their graves were the only thing we were left with after their deaths, it would be impossible to go on. But we have hope. We have the Lord. We have His Word to us filled with promises. Promises of what is in store for us. We have a future far beyond this sad earth.
    Even death could not harm her! Her grave is "empty"!
    I Corinthians 15:55- "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"

    Love you

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  2. When I read what the dentist said my heart stopped. Oh, those words. I have heard that too many times. Even from the people who I needed to cry to the most. I kind of summed it up like this. It's never happened to them. People don't always know what to say during a tragedy. When people would say they're sorry, I kind of didn't know what to say. The obvious 'It's not your fault' comes to mind. But then I realized that they too don't know what to say. So when someone said that, I simply said thank you. And told them about Stefanie. I'm glad you find peace in writing. I think your my favorite author.

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  3. Thanks again for sharing with us! Every time I read it.. I feel reminded to praise God in everything.. like you! Praying, praying praying!
    -Steph Cornnwell

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  4. Thanks for sharing this. My mother lost two children when they were babies, one before me, one after me. There was a lady in our church that sent her flowers every year on my baby brother's birthday. I know that meant the world to my mother, that someone else though of him and remembered him. I pray the Lord give you the strength and peace that I see in my mom every day.

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  5. Sweet Nattie-Cakes...this broke my heart. I could just see you there (probably wearing something pink, hair all beautiful as you always are) and then our sweet Nat breaking down in that chair...o it hurts my heart to read that! If only the nurse would have just hugged you, or said something sweet to you. Maybe she was taken off guard. I can't wait to see you in a couple weeks and talk about Maddie & make sweet things to remember her by. What a sweetpea she is...I'm so in love with her. I think of her & you every day...I'm in tears as I'm writing b/c I just love you, and just wish this was all a dream...but like kels said, HER GRAVE IS EMPTY! WOW, what a thought! Death where is thy sting, grave where is thy victory?!....death never touched her, she is more alive than ever. Thank the Lord for the promises we have from His Word. How do people survive without His promises? I love you friend, your posts touch my heart & cause me to rejoice in His promises.~heidi

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  6. Hi, Natalie. We have a mutual friend that told me about your blog, and I've been reading for a couple weeks. I lost my son 4 weeks ago on 1-11-11. I can related to so much of what you said. I've been putting off getting a hair cut cuz the last time I was in, my sweet boy was 3 weeks old. I'm just not ready to have to explain my story to them. I'm very sorry for your loss. Many hugs.

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  7. I just cant stop reading about your Baby. I have told everyone in the workplace and my friends your story. I was hesitate to comment on your precious nursery but after reading this blog I felt good about it. It is beautiful!!!

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  8. I lost my daughter just over a month ago. I actually just finished typing up a post on my blog about how it helps to talk about my daughter. I like when people ask about her, I like to hear her name. Like you said, I want to know that she was a part of my life, and still is.

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