On the inside...

1/27/11

Well It's safe to say that this last night was much easier than the one before. The Lord blessed me and I was actually able to get a little bit of rest. I am beginning to feel some what human again; still hurting but able to breathe a little easier.

I went about my day trying to do normal, usual things. Although, I knew I had something ahead of me that day that I was dreading, the dentist.

Many people don't like the dentist for obvious reasons. I was dreading it however for a very different one.

You see, I had spent some time there just prior to the birth of Maddie Grace. I woke up about a week before I had her with a terrible toothache. I can pretty much describe the pain as "worse" than labor. It was awful. My sweet husband had gotten me in to see the dentist so they could help me with the pain. I hadn't been able to sleep at night and he knew with me being so late in my pregnancy, and close to giving birth, I needed all the rest I could get.

So, he made me an appointment and I went. It turns out that I had an infection under one of my teeth and was in desperate need of a root canal. Since I was 38 weeks pregnant and so close to delivering, the dentist advised against it. So I lay there, with my big belly while they gave me a shot of antibiotics and tried to relieve some of the pressure and pain.

I remember feeling Maddie kicking and moving the whole time. I talked with the nurse after of how much I was anticipating meeting her. The dental aide was so excited for me, along with the dentist and front desk secretary.

Everywhere I went, I was eager to tell everyone of the "little girl" that I was looking so forward to meeting. They had scheduled me out for about 3 weeks post delivery so I could come in and get my dreaded root canal. I didn't even care about the pain of the procedure; I was already in pain with my tooth. I left the office that day with a smile and excitement thinking the next time I would see them; I would have my little girl.

So, as I prepared this day to go, I struggled. What would they say to me? Had they heard of my news? How would I tell them? I didn't know how to approach this, so I called Rick.

He decided to call over and let them know ahead of time what had happened. He told them of our little girls passing and asked them not to say anything to me because of my fragile emotional state. Little did I know how much worse this would be on me.

I arrived at the dentist, completely different than I had just 4 short weeks prior. No big belly, no smile, just emptiness.

I walked in and the lady at the front greeted me. Not a word about the baby.

This killed me.

Then I was escorted back to the room by the dental aide. I could tell by the look on her face that she knew. Again, not a word; I was dying on the inside. She asked how my tooth was feeling. I broke into tears as I sat down. I said "To be honest, my tooth is the last thing on my mind, I'm just here because I have an appointment." She looked at me with a sad face. I asked her if she knew of my news and she explained that she had been asked not to say anything.

I cried harder.

I showed her a picture of Madeline and told her that she had passed away. This sweet lady (and mother of 4 herself) felt for me. I knew she did. As the dentist walked in and saw me crying he asked and I then told him. He already knew, but It hurt me more I think not to talk about it, than to talk about it. "These things happen for a reason." he replied as he laid my chair back.

My heart went numb. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted someone to cry with me, hurt with me. I was dying on the inside. I was broken.

The next two hours I listened to them drill my teeth. Not a word, just silence. I laid there thinking about what he had said. Tears were streaming down my face as they worked. I know they could tell I was falling apart in that chair. It was complete agony.

My mind wandered to the last time I was there. I was feeling my sweet baby kick and squirm inside of me. I remember thinking "Not much longer, Maddie, you'll be here soon."

Oh what I didn't know.

At this point I was really crying. The dentist asked if I was okay. With a mouth full of instruments I replied "yes."

Well, that was a lie. I wanted to scream out, "Stop, I can't take it anymore! I have to go. I can't breathe. I'm dying on the inside, can't you see, I'm dying!" but instead I sat there. Silence filled the room.

Oh the pain.

I soon realized it was too soon. I wasn't ready to be in public. I wasn't ready to face this world. I needed more time.

I left the office that day in pieces. I drove home to my boys and I sat and cried with my sweet Mother in Law. It was too much too soon.

A little while later we were supposed to go to a birthday party for my niece. I never made it over to the store to buy her a gift, for I knew it would be too much for me to go into the girl department. A place I had dreamed of shopping for many years to come.

I found myself dreading things I once loved, even shopping. I just couldn't go. I was starting to wonder if this would ever get easier. I felt so sad, so empty and in so much pain.

We put some money into the card and went to the party. I honestly didn't know if I would make it through. I had been crying all day and I didn't want to ruin her birthday, but I was a mess.

I walked into the party and looked around the room. I saw all the faces of Rick's sweet family and it encouraged me. I sat down and immediately I was asked how I was doing. Finally, someone asked.

I poured my heart out to my sweet sisters, Annette and Becky. They comforted me and gave me so many words of encouragement. More than that though, they just talked about my sweet Maddie. If there is one thing I love, it is hearing people talk about her.

I know it seems like I wouldn't want people to bring her up, for fear of a painful breakdown. This is not so, I want to talk about her, I want to hear her name. I want to feel like she really was here; living and breathing and leaving a mark on this world. I wanted that.

It was so obvious to me at this point, that not talking about it was worse. So, as we sat and spoke of my sweet girl and the things that had taken place I realized, that this was what I needed. I needed to talk of her, everyday, I need to hear that she was a part of this life and this family.

I'm so very thankful for my friends and family who are willing to do so. I'm thankful that I can come here to this blog and pour my heart out about my girl. It's my therapy, my healing process.

I'm also so thankful that I can go to my God. He knows my thoughts and he knows my heart. And when no one else can possibly understand how I feel on the inside.

He does.

He knows everything about me, especially my pain. Thank you Lord for strength!


Psalms 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.