When you say nothing at all...

2/9/11

These words take on a whole new meaning to me now.

For just seven and a half years ago, these words were part of a song played at our wedding reception. "You say it best, when you say nothing at all." In other words, our love didn't need to be spoken of. It was a look. It was feeling.

Today, when others say nothing at all, I crumble a little more inside. A little more of me fades away.

I recently read in a devotional book of another mother who has suffered a similar loss as mine. She said this, "You add to my pain when you choose to ignore it." What words, what truth to me.

For so many do not know what to say, but please, say something. When you know someone who is going through such pain or sorrow. Say something. This is a lesson that I have been learning, unaware of pain I may have been causing in the life of others. Unaware of what "silence" can really do to a soul.

Thank you for being here with me, reading these words. You are saying that you care. You are saying that you love me and hurt for me. Thank you. It is because of so many of you that I have the courage to press on especially when I go through something like this...

I had a terrible experience today. Not quite as heart wrenching as my post about the dentist, but a close second.

For the last 6 months, I have taken my sweet son (Elijah Braden) to speech class. He experienced severe hearing loss before the age of two and has had a hard time pronouncing his consonants. So, every Wednesday from 11-12:00, we go to speech therapy.

And for the last 6 months of my pregnancy, Maddie Grace came along, kicking and hiccupping, she came.

Elijah's therapist has been wonderful with him. She takes her time to help him and he has made so much improvement, but on this day; I felt like she overlooked us. I felt as if she ignored our lives, our sorrow, and our pain.

She didn't say one word to me about losing Maddie. She didn't ask how our family was doing and I felt that she was quite short with Eli and his "not quite there" attention that day. I had to explain to her that he too, had been through a lot. This was something she should of known. Our whole family was hurting, suffering. Our whole family has been affected.

We haven't just lost a baby. We have lost a family member. She was a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece. She had a life. She had weight in this world.

So, as I sat there and listened to her practice K sounds with my little boy, I thought "I would never just say nothing, I would say something, anything, whatever."

Nothing was said.

I remember tearing up as I watched her with him. Again, I wanted to cry out. "Don't you know? Don't you get it? She's gone. The baby that has come with me week after week. My belly that we discussed. Her name that you knew. Her? She's not here, do you know that? Her room is empty and she will never spend one night around the dinner table with us. She's not here. She's not here..." But instead, I sat there silent, biting my lip and holding back tears, smiling at Eli as he finally got his k sound.

As I left that day and the words "Good to see you back" were uttered to me. I was in shock, that was it? It hurt so very much that nothing was said. I walked to my car and bawled. Would I be able to do this? Could I go on? I still have a swollen belly that reminds me everyday that she was here. Yet, I felt the whole world was moving forward and I wasn't ready to.

Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I shouldn't have been upset, but I was.

Maybe she didn't know what to say, and that's why she said nothing, I don't know. I was crushed.

One thing I have learned through this is I will never forget. I feel so bad for those mother's who have gone through this before me with whom I did not continue to talk about their sweet children and babies. The children that took part of their hearts when they left. Those sweet babies that made a difference in this world. I will never again forget to speak their names.

So, please make me cry. Mention her name. Tell me what she means to you, but please. Please. Don't forget my sweet girl. Maybe in time, I won't need it as much, but for now, right now, I need to hear of my sweet Madeline Grace. I need to talk of my sweet Madeline Grace. I only have 2 days to last me a lifetime. I will do my best to live life praising and loving the One who gave her to me. But remind me. Help me, I need you.

So, if you don't know what to say to someone who's hurting, that's okay. Sometimes there are no words but just an "I'm praying for you." That is more than enough.

For those of you who have taken the time. To those of you who have read, and written and prayed. To those of you who have mentioned her name and what she has meant to you. And there have been many...

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for saying something. You will never know how it has helped my heart and soul to heal.

Thank you.

And thank you to my Lord who I know remembers the pain and the hole in my heart. The God who lifts me up and helps me to press on, everday. The same Lord who gave me His child in exchange for the payment of my sins. I am so grateful for this. Thank you, Lord for knowing my heart and saving me from my sins. Thank you Lord for your Son and thank you Lord, for my daughter.

Isaiah 53:3-5 He was despised and rejected of men; acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him: he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he hath borne our grief's, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken smitten of God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.