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January 4, 2013

Two years... Dear Maddie Grace

Dear Maddie Grace,

Two years?

Has it really been that long...

Two years without you.

It's hard to fathom.

My mind races back to the moment they placed you on my chest.

I remember your flushed cheeks. I remember your full head of curly black hair. I remember looking to "make sure" you were a girl. =)

It almost hurts to go back there.

To that moment when my dream came true and my daughter was born. I still can't believe I had you.

You were perfect.

Our time together was too.

Our perfect snowy day together on the 7th of January.. I'll never forget that day. With every snow fall we receive I remember. I go back.

I feel like I've been stronger this year. Much stronger than last.

But as it's almost your birthday and the memories of you flood through my memory and the pictures of you are filling my news feed, I feel my strength slipping.

You weren't just a dream. You were real.

I vividly remember nursing you and holding you.. I loved to stroke your cheek.

I loved to brush your hair and change your hair bows or hat almost every hour.

I loved showing you off and letting everyone else fall in love with the little girl I had all to myself for 10 months.

I loved watching you stretch and lifting you to my shoulder. Your sweet fuzzy hair seemed to kiss my cheek as I felt you snuggle up to me.

I can feel it, Maddie. I can feel you still.

But as time is passing, I'm scared these memories I only have of our two days together will fade away. I never want to forget...What if felt like to hold you, this 6lb 10 oz bundle of pink in my arms.

You were so fulfilling.

When I held you, I felt like my world was at peace.

Seeing your brothers fuss over you was so amazing. The love I saw in their eyes for you tugged at my heart. You added the perfect touch of femininity to our family.

We had so many plans and dreams for you... and then in a breath, you were gone.

I still find myself trying to understand. But I trust God and I know He loves me.

Yet I find myself longing to know so many things....

How you would interact with the big brothers who wanted you so much?

How much you would have your daddy wrapped around your finger?

What you would look like and who you would act like?

Would you have been girly like me? Would you love sparkles and pink and baby dolls?

If only I could know.

The perfect family I thought "was" faded away the day God called you home.

Oh how my heart aches for you. My arms long to hold you.

This Christmas I missed you the most. Turning 2, you would be at such a fun age. I can't even imagine the fun we would be having together.

Sometimes I still dream we will experience some of the things I thought of during my pregnancy with you. But the dream becomes a reality when I see our family photograph without you present.

I wish I could ask God why.. I wish He could give me His eyes so I could see. I wish I could have kept you...

I do feel like God does answer my "whys" in many ways and that does help...

This is how I know...

Every time your little story is told and another soul accepts Christ.

Every time a grieving mother is sent to me or my blog for prayer and advice.

Every time I think about how much "better" of a person I am because of you.

I know your purpose was meant to be accomplished in two days. I know that. But I still long for more.

More time.

To look at you and kiss you. To study your sweet newborn skin and hold your warm body to mine.

And though I'm grateful to have had 10 months and 2 days with you, I'll always want more.

Oh Maddie, I miss you.

I'm so grateful God sent us your little brother and now I can't imagine life without him... but you could never be replaced.

God just sent us him as a reinforcement of his love. Could you tell Him thank you? We are so grateful.

But could you ask Him to comfort my heart as I'm crying out for you my sweet girl. I miss you in a way that words can't comfort. Only through the arms of a Father.

I find myself finding peace in the pink sunsets, bird and snow filled skies and pictures of castles and crowns. I'm grateful for little reminders that remind me that you were and are my daughter.

It seems everywhere I look, I see you. I see us together.

I wish it were so.

I know that there are parents who have lost children after years and year of love. My heart hurts for them, because I felt the greatest love I've known in just two days with you.

You changed me, Madeline. In so many ways.

I know as your birthday and angel day passes, this won't feel so heavy. I know that time will keep moving forward as it always does and I will be okay. But for today, I'm hurting. I'm missing.

My heart feels so heavy it's hard to breathe.

I love you.

I love you and I miss you in a way that words can't write.

Do you know sweet girl how much you've changed this world for the better? For eternity?

God is doing great things Maddie Grace. He's using you... and somehow, He's using me.

I'm trembling, and my eyes are filled with tears as I type this..

But am I making you proud, Maddie?

Oh how I strive to.

My purpose now is even greater. As a Christian, as a mother, as a wife and as a friend.

I'm so glad sweet girl you know no pain. Because the way I miss you is just too much.

I think of the pain God went through when He gave His Son for us and the world turned their back.

I think of the love Jesus had when He died for me. There is truly no greater love. And you are with them...

But you know don't you sweet girl? You know those stories from the mouth of our Creator.

From the mouth of our Savior, don't you?

Oh if my eyes could see what you see. If my ears could hear what you hear...

They will one day.

I could write to you for hours but I will close with this.

You've touched my life in a way that no one else has sweet Maddie Grace. There will always be a part of my heart there in Heaven with you.

I'm broken Maddie.

I have been since you went to Heaven, but one thing I've learned is that out of brokenness can come much beauty. You've shown me that.

Please ask God to continue to help me, Maddie. To continue to provide strength.

I know He will as I pray to Him. I think I just need a little extra help this week, because the burden of missing you is to heavy to bear alone.

I don't know when we will be together again sweet girl, but I know we will. And then maybe we can spin together in our beautiful dresses. Maybe then we can have tea parties inside of our mansions. And maybe.. instead of wearing them, we can cast all those beautiful crowns at the feet of Jesus.

Oh baby girl, how I ache for that day.

I miss you.

As the boys say it...

 I love you... Up to (you) Maddie and back...

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby girl!

I love you,

2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This is just a piece of my heart today. I still have the boys party to share (that blog is already complete) and I will soon. I just don't have the strength to today I felt like talking to Maddie. If you would pray for me, it would mean so much. My heart is heavy but my God is big.

Thank you for walking with me. Thank you.

Much Love,