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May 3, 2011

Update on Baby Ross

Well... Let's see....I found out I was expecting Baby Ross #4 on April the 3rd. The morning I took took the test was a really sweet morning because it was a Sunday. I think I have found out with all of my babies on a Sunday morning, it just seems like the perfect day for good news...

I had been suspecting I was pregnant as I was really tired and completely starving. I also had a little nausea and light headedness. So, when I saw the two lines come up, I was thrilled. I was emotional. I was overwhelmed. So many things ran through my head. But mostly, I was thankful.

It was really early in the morning and I didn't want to wake Rick up just yet, so I decided to leave a surprise for him when he woke up that morning. I snuck downstairs and left him a little note on the mirror along with the test I had taken...

I followed Rick downstairs when he got up that morning and listened outside the door as I heard him say "No way! Really?" We were both in tears as we celebrated the new little life God had given us. We never expected to be here now, and having another child, but we are thankful for the opportunity to love another baby with all our hearts. And we will.

The next week was full of emotions for me. Satan came in with all his questions and what if's and I fell for them. I struggled with letting myself think about and become attached to the baby. I got nervous about Rick and the boys being hurt and disappointed too. I just couldn't feel completely happy and this upset me. I wanted to. I thought about my precious pregnancy with Maddie Grace. If it wasn't for all those special moments I shared with her in my tummy, I really would have only had 2 days of memories, but I had far more than that. I took her so many places and experienced so many wonderful things with her in tow. I wanted this pregnancy to be like that, full of happiness.

I guess I'm scared of putting my heart out there and getting hurt again. But, the truth is, God knows. So, after a week of going back and forth about everything in my head, I finally surrendered everything to the Lord. On April the 9th, I bowed my head and thanked God for this little one and gave this baby back to God. Was this hard for me to do??? Absolutely.

The reason I struggle with this was because I gave Maddie to God while she was still in my belly. He decided to take her back home after a short time here, fully knowing He would use her little life in such a different way... Yes, I'm scared of this again, but the truth of the matter is, I'd rather give this baby back to God and let him use his/her life how He see's fit, than try to plan this babies life out how I think would be best. God knows.

I am, however, praying God lets us keep and raise this baby. I'm really hoping this prayer comes true.

At about 6 weeks, I went in for my first ultrasound. I didn't know if we would see much or even anything but I just had to know. So, Rick and I headed to the Doctors office to check on our little one. My stomach was a ball of nerves, I was a mess. Rick, however was cool, calm and collected. He just kept telling me "Everything is going to be fine."

When the ultrasound tech came out my heart started racing. We made our way back to the room as she began asking me questions about numbers of pregnancies and babies. When I told her that I had 3 live births, she looked over at my boys and then back to me. It was in that moment, I just wanted to head back out the door. Nope. Not today. I can't do this today.

I pulled it together enough to explain to her that we had our sweet baby girl on the 6th and she passed away 2 days later. The room was so quiet. Rick had taken the boys to the waiting room across the hall. It felt like he was gone forever. Little did I know what was going through her head.

Then tech looked up at me (tears in her eyes) and told me how sorry she was. Then, she did something that not many people do... She wanted to know about Maddie Grace. I told her how healthy and happy she was. So full of life. I told her about her dark hair and beautiful sweet face. She listened intently with eyes of complete sorrow for me. Then something happened I didn't expect at all. She told me that she had a little girl named Katelyn who passed away after just 14 short days. She told me a little about her and how she will always be part of their family. She said that their other two little girls know of her and still talk of her today. I couldn't believe she just "happened" to be my nurse that day. What was the odds someone has been there and had been exactly where I was.

She knew.

I went on to explain to her my fears of miscarrying this baby and of this happening to us again. She completely understood and was able to empathize with me. She was wonderful.

She talked to me all throughout the exam and let me know what was going on. She told me that the reason she went into this line of work was because her daughter's condition was missed on an ultrasound. She told me that the first time she saw the same condition in a patient, it was really hard, but she knew that what happened to her, could be prevented if caught early enough.

I was so impressed with her as she talked. What a lady.

I saw her clicking around with the mouse and I was so ready to hear the outcome. I was in tears as she told us that saw the baby, the yolk sac, and the heartbeat. She then turned the screen towards Rick and I. We could see our tiny little baby with it's tiny little heart just beating away. We were both in tears and completely thrilled.

God really showed up for us in that moment. Our baby was just fine.

The tech went on to do the measurements and take pictures all while comforting me and talking to me about how everything looked great. She turned on the heartbeat and we got to hear the little heart beating too. What a wonderful sound to our ears. What a blessing.

She told us that the heart had just starting beating within the last couple of days. Isn't that amazing? She told me she wasn't even sure if we would see or hear it but was so glad we were able to. So was I. I know God allowed that little baby's heart to start beating early just so mine and Rick's mind and heart's could be at ease. What a God.

After the ultrasound, the tech sat with me for a few more minutes and talked with me. She told me that she hoped everything would turn out great and she thought it would. She thanked me for sharing Madeline's story with her and I thanked her for sharing Katelyn's story with me.

I asked her if it get's easier and she said it does with time, but my heart will always ache for my little girl. Always.

That day I walked away with two things; the assurance that our little baby was doing okay, and a friend who I know God allowed to be there for me that day. It was so special.

I know God has great plans here. I know this baby is going to do something great in this world just like his/her big sister. I know that my God's ways are perfect and I'm thankful for them!

Not long after I gave this baby to the Lord and after my ultrasound, He started to lay certain things on my heart. Things about hope.

I'm sure many of you read my post about "Finding Hope" and that was when it started. I don't know what yet, but this baby has such a connection with hope for me.

What is hope?

Hope is the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.

I definitely feel like this little baby is such a positive outcome relating to all that we've been through. I feel like this baby is giving us a reason to smile again, something we've struggled with.

Shortly after God began bringing things about "hope" to mind for me.
I received a phone call from a very good friend. She told me that she had had a dream and it was about a baby boy and a baby girl. She said that in her dream, one of the babies was mine and the others was my Sister in laws. I asked her which baby was mine, the boy or the girl. She said she didn't know for sure but she did know what the babies names were. She told me that the little girl's name was... wait for it.... Hope.

My jaw dropped.

Hmmm? Maybe it's a sign? Maybe it's a girl? I don't know for sure...but I thought is was a pretty neat thought. Wouldn't that be something.

Just about a week later, my sweet Mother in law had a dream about Rick and she told me that he playing with our little girl. I asked her if she heard the baby's name in the dream and she said "Yes, her name was Hope."

(Chills)

About a week ago, I received a package in the mail from my sweet friend Nancy. In the package were two of the sweetest wall plaques. One of them said "believe" and the other... "hope." And that is exactly what I'm doing, believing and hoping in my Lord. When I fear the worst, I need to hope in Him. He knows.

So, I think it's safe to say, if this little one does end up being a little girl, her middle name will most definitely be Hope. I love it.

I think it's so neat how God always lays the names of my babies on my heart. I think it makes their names more special.

I may be wrong, this may be a little boy and if it is, we will be thrilled and love every second of raising him. I think either way, it's safe to say our hopes and dreams are still coming true with this baby. What a blessing. I can't help but think sweet Maddie Grace is smiling down on us. I know she is happy for her big brother's and her new little brother/sister. I can feel her with us. I know she is still such a part of our family.

So....for now, I'm just taking it easy and making my way through my first trimester. I had another appointment today and I am 8 weeks along. Everything looks great and the baby is doing good. I have some nausea during the day but am not too terribly sick so far. I'm thankful for that. The Doctor said my due date is December the 14th, so we will be getting a really special early Christmas present. =)

I went to get my bloodwork done today and I had all the ladies there crying as I told them Maddie's story. They were so sweet and encouraging with their words. I have never seen nurses go so out of there way to make me feel so comfortable and loved. They go above and beyond to do their jobs. I'm happy I've been able to share Maddie's story with them and they have been so touched by her little life too.

So, tonight as I go to bed, I still have a heavy heart because I miss my little girl. I miss her so very much.

Yet, I have a lot of new happiness too. I think this baby is going to help me in a great way to have a smile on my face again, and I'm thankful for that.

I would love for you to continue to pray for us and the new little addition on the way. I covet your prayers and am so thankful for them. Thank you!

Much love,
Natalie Ross <3

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.


On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.
When Darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, his covenant, his blood
supports me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
he then is all my hope and stay.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,
O may I then in him be found!
Dressed in his righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne!

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.
When Darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.

10 comments:

  1. Oh wow. Make me cry. Thank you for sharing that!

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  2. Our God is so Amazing! I have been thinking a lot lately about how He knows what we need before we need it. This just brings home the point. He surely does and He will supply it. Thanks so much for sharing this. It made me cry and gave me chills. I will definitely continue to pray for your little family.

    Love and Prayers!
    Becky

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  3. i lvoe reading your posts! And I too had chills as I read this one! Your due date put a smile on my face....it's my birthday :)

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  4. OH Natalie, I am so very happy for you!!! I would not be at all surprised if you are indeed carrying a baby girl- that sounds just like God to me!! We had a similar experience a few years before we had Lily... God gave each of us the name "Lily" before we had her. So when we found out she was a girl we both felt like- well of course she is, we've been expecting her for three years! Then when she arrived with that extra chromosome, I felt like the Lord spoke to me- that He gave us that name so we would not doubt that she was exactly who He intended her to be:)
    The story of the ultrasoud tech gave me chills- such a God thing as well!
    Love and prayers for this to be your best pregnancy yet!

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  5. Thank you for sharing this! I've absolutely got chills! God is so incredible how he gives us exactly what we need when we need it! I'm so blessed by your story and God's Grace and Hope within your hearts and life! I continue to pray for our family daily!

    with love in Christ,
    Sarah Stoutenburg <3

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  6. If you use scentsy... They just announced a warmer that has birdies on ian it made me think of you. Congrats on baby #4. big sister is watching down on y'all!

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  7. What a great story, I can't wait to hear if you are having a little girl or boy! I think that is so neat about all the things to do with Hope!!! These word's to a song came to me when I read this. "Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger. God you are Higher than any other! Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God, Our God!"

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  8. I'm touched! What a blessing! Thank you for sharing your wonderful news!

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  9. Thank you everyone so much for your sweet words! I appreciate you all more than you could know. =)

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  10. Oh Nat! I LOVED reading this! I have been behind on reading your posts, but I'm so glad I read this today. I love the idea of the middle name "Hope" if you're having a girl! That is so beautiful and meaningful. Love and prayers for you, sweet friend!

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