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May 26, 2011

I've still got a song...

Well, I had the opportunity to talk about Friday night and Noah's graduation but I wanted to talk about the rest of my weekend and some really special things that happened.


Rick and I spent the day on Saturday with his family celebrating Noah and Erica and their accomplishment of graduating Kindergarten. We took them for a pizza party at Cici's and then to Jungle Jims to have fun.


The sun was shining and I was in the BEST mood. It's amazing how much the weather affects my moods. I was really enjoying watching the boys and their cousins having such a great time. It was nice to just go out with the family and have fun and not think about the constant pain and grief I struggle through daily. I tried so hard to just focus on what was in front of me, but it seems like everything just reminds me of her. I'm hoping that one day these reminders won't hurt quite so much.


Later that night we had a cook out with some friends and played some games, it was really a fun day overall.


On Sunday I woke up sad for some reason. Satan was fighting me really hard. I remember singing in Choir and the first song really got to me. Music really speaks to me anymore. Before I felt like I could never really "feel" the words. Now I feel like every song was written just for me.


Here were some of the words...


Once again, I faced Satan this morning...
And I battled him all the day long.
But in my weakness, God sent reinforcements,
And at sundown, I sang Victory's Song.

Chorus:
Oh, the sun's coming up in the morning,
Every tear will be gone from my eye.
This old clay's gonna give way to Glory,
And, like an eagle, I'll take to the sky.

In a world, filled with doubts and confusion,
It's so hard when you don't understand.

Oh, but I'll stand on a Solid Foundation,
And I'll hold to an Unchanging Hand.


Chorus:
Oh, the sun's coming up in the morning,
Every tear will be gone from my eye.
This old clay's gonna give way to Glory,
And, like an eagle, I'll take to the sky.

Church was really good and we had a picnic afterwards which was lot's of fun. My Church family is such a big part of my life. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. Their strength and love has brought Rick and I through some of the worst of times.

On our way home from the picnic, it started pouring rain, and along with it came my tears. I couldn't stop crying. It was like someone just turned on a faucet. I was a mess.

Satan was fighting me again and I was getting down. I was REALLY missing Madeline.

I guess in my head I just pictured here with us for so long that now sometimes I'll get caught up in the moment and realize she's not and never will be. It breaks my heart. I feel like I'm always forgetting someone when I look around and she's not there. It hurts so much.

We had put the boys down for a nap and I just laid in my bed and cried.

Rick had asked me what he could do to make me feel better and I told him I just wanted him to talk about her. I guess a part of my heart just doesn't want to believe that she will forever not be physically a part of this family. So, I just want her to be a part in spirit and in conversation.

Rick told me it's hard for him to know what to say. He told me that if he talks about what she would be doing , it would make things worse. And it would. I guess I just wanted to hear her name.And honestly, only have a day and a half of pictures and memories. We've looked at the pics and talked about the memories over and over. I guess, I really don't know what I wanted him to say. I just missed her.

The boys all fell asleep and I went downstairs.  I stopped by Maddie's room and just peeked in. I feel close to her in there for some reason, even though she never spent one night there. It helps some, but it also makes me miss her more. It's mixed emotions.

It was still pouring outside and even hailing a little.
I walked to the back of the kitchen and looked. out and  I saw Maddie's tree at the back of the yard. It had been greening up all week long and I was wondering if it was going to bloom. Then I saw something so special. There was ONE pink flower that had bloomed about half way up the tree. I couldn't believe it.




I felt like it was Madeline telling me that she was there. She wanted me to know that she always will be a part of our family. In the moments when I'm missing her most, she's still there. It melted my heart.

We went back to Church that night and I was pleasantly surprised during the song service. The Days were singing since Heather was in town and they dedicated a song to all those going through trials. Then Joey mentioned Maddie and everything we had been through. He mentioned that though we are going through so much, we still have a song in the Lord. It was so sweet.

I saw Rick up at the pulpit completely in tears and I was right there with him. We listened to the words and wept along with them.

The truth is, we do still have a song. No mater how much our hearts ache for our little girl, we still have a song to sing. We still have a life to live and a Savior to tell about. As much as Satan tries to use our situation to keep us from trusting God and having faith, we still know that God is in control. We still have our Salvation. We still have a song.

Here is the chorus.

But I've still got a song
Though the enemy rages
I've still got a song
Though I'm battered and torn
Deep in my heart there's a joy that stays
My trials can't take my song away
Though the battles been long
My faith is made strong
And I've still got a song...

Some days I do feel so battered and torn and that I just dont' have any strength left, but deep down God gives me the strength and joy to keep going. My faith has increased in ways I didn't know it could. I'm so thankful that God has used what is such a tragedy in our lives for the good in so many ways.

I'm not naive to think that every week will get easier and easier. I know that it's really up and down. One day I feel the best I've felt and the next day I feel like I'm back at day one. There is no guideline on how to get through such loss. Just constant prayer and asking God for strength. Trying to fill our lives with sweet things to remember our little girl.



As I left Church that night, my sweet friend Natalie handed me an adorable plant in a pink pail. It had little birdie's sticking out of it and pink blooms that were flowering. She remembers too. I'm so thankful that so many people love us and loved our "Maddie". It was a blessing.


I know Madeline would want me to keep a song in my heart. I always thought the "bird" signs during my pregnancy meant she would be a singer. I can only imagine how beautiful her voice is now. I can't wait to get to Heaven one day and sing along with her. What a day that will be.

Psalm 40:3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.

3 comments:

  1. Prayers for you sweet friend. I can't imagine what you must be going through, but God does. He knows what we need before we need it. I know you know this as I've read your posts about it, but I just know sometimes it's good to hear it.


    (google won't let me sign in to comment so I am anonymous)

    Love and prayers
    Becky
    www.beckyscreativecorner.blogspot.com

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  2. I stood by a friend last week as we buried her 37 weeks in the womb and 2 hours on this earth, baby boy.... I told her when she was ready to tell me all about Carson, i wanted to know everthing about him. She grabbed me and started crying. I have learned from mothers, like yourself, that are walking this long road, that I need to say their children's names, to talk about it, to give them a voice. Thank you for sharing your heart ache and your wisdom all at the same time.

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  3. Praying for you, your precious baby is enjoying heaven. It will be amazing when we are all together with our Lord. The other day I heard someone say blessed is he that has his quiver full. I thought people only see me with two children but God has given me four already. In heaven I am known as having four (so far). And you are know for having 5 already. Your quiver is full and may keep getting fuller. : ) I will continue to pray for you as you deal with each day and also for the new bundle of joy in your belly! Much love and prayers!!!

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