Today was a really hard day for me. I think I cried most of the day.
Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, or maybe it's the rain I'm not sure, but I was so emotional all day long.
I took Noah to his last day of Kindergarten and it was pouring rain outside. The weather seemed to mimic the way I was feeling on the inside. I tried to be positive and happy for my boys but I was failing greatly...
Later this afternoon, I really hit a wall.
I had to get together some photo's of the school year for my son's school's yearbook. Most of the pictures I had taken were on my desktop computer which I have not used in a while.
I sat down to burn the cd's and that was when I really lost it. I had to open up all the files to find the ones I needed. They are all dated but do not have an album name on them, so I had to open them all. As I was doing so, I came across so many pictures that brought back so many memories.
I found pictures of my belly during Maddie's pregnancy. Pictures of my shower. Pictures of preparing her nursery and then of course, the pictures of her birth and 2 days of life.
I lost it... Every file I opened was like tearing out another little piece of my heart over again.
I got so overwhelmed in that moment. I called Rick and just started bawling to him. I told him I just can't believe this is our life. I can't believe she really is gone. Still seems so unreal.
I don't know what the cure for this is. I have given it to the Lord. I have asked for strength and He has provided.
But, my heart is so broken over my daughter and I don't know how to get passed it. I thought I was really starting to turn a corner in healing, and now I feel like I've taken a step backwards.
My Pastor preached on Sunday a sermon about having "Childlike Faith." I'm trying to trust in the Lord and have faith and hope in Him. Some days I wish I could have the innocence and carefree spirit of a child again. It seems so much easier than bearing this load. It's awful.
Please pray for me and Rick. We still have a long road of healing ahead of us... Please pray for my boys.
When Eli saw me crying today, he asked "What's wrong, Mommy," when I replied that I missed Madeline, he replied "me too." It broke my heart.
Please pray that this little baby to make it and be able to come home with us. Please pray that my boys will get the chance to be big brothers. Noah has already started kissing my belly. It takes me right back to my pregnancy with Maddie Grace. Everything about this pregnancy is a complete deja vu of her's. It's so strange. Yet, it's a blessing.
I'm 10 weeks along now and praying my way through this first trimester. Please pray with me. This little Baby "hope" has given us something to look forward to, but I'm still struggling with looking back.
Plain and simple.... I just really miss her. Everything about her. But mostly, I miss the time I didn't get.
It seems that people are slowly stopping to talk about her. Even my family.
That's okay, I guess people just don't know what to say, but I just wish she could still be a big part of this family. She is my heart.
While reading my sweet friend Lisa's blog this week, I read a quote she had posted. It really resonated with me. And I know it did with her too. She misses her Macie. There are so many Mama's with broken hearts over their children. This is a reminder for us...