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May 17, 2011

Rainy day reflections...

Today was a really hard day for me. I think I cried most of the day.

Maybe it's pregnancy hormones, or maybe it's the rain I'm not sure, but I was so emotional all day long.

I took Noah to his last day of Kindergarten and it was pouring rain outside. The weather seemed to mimic the way I was feeling on the inside. I tried to be positive and happy for my boys but I was failing greatly...

Later this afternoon, I really hit a wall.

I had to get together some photo's of the school year for my son's school's yearbook. Most of the pictures I had taken were on my desktop computer which I have not used in a while.

I sat down to burn the cd's and that was when I really lost it. I had to open up all the files to find the ones I needed. They are all dated but do not have an album name on them, so I had to open them all. As I was doing so, I came across so many pictures that brought back so many memories.

I found pictures of my belly during Maddie's pregnancy. Pictures of my shower. Pictures of preparing her nursery and then of course, the pictures of her birth and 2 days of life.

I lost it... Every file I opened was like tearing out another little piece of my heart over again.

I got so overwhelmed in that moment. I called Rick and just started bawling to him. I told him I just can't believe this is our life. I can't believe she really is gone. Still seems so unreal.

I don't know what the cure for this is. I have given it to the Lord. I have asked for strength and He has provided.

But, my heart is so broken over my daughter and I don't know how to get passed it. I thought I was really starting to turn a corner in healing, and now I feel like I've taken a step backwards.

My Pastor preached on Sunday a sermon about having "Childlike Faith." I'm trying to trust in the Lord and have faith and hope in Him. Some days I wish I could have the innocence and carefree spirit of a child again. It seems so much easier than bearing this load. It's awful.

Please pray for me and Rick. We still have a long road of healing ahead of us... Please pray for my boys.

When Eli saw me crying today, he asked "What's wrong, Mommy," when I replied that I missed Madeline, he replied "me too." It broke my heart.

Please pray that this little baby to make it and be able to come home with us. Please pray that my boys will get the chance to be big brothers. Noah has already started kissing my belly. It takes me right back to my pregnancy with Maddie Grace. Everything about this pregnancy is a complete deja vu of her's. It's so strange. Yet, it's a blessing.

I'm 10 weeks along now and praying my way through this first trimester. Please pray with me. This little Baby "hope" has given us something to look forward to, but I'm still struggling with looking back.

Plain and simple.... I just really miss her. Everything about her. But mostly, I miss the time I didn't get.

It seems that people are slowly stopping to talk about her. Even my family.

That's okay, I guess people just don't know what to say, but I just wish she could still be a big part of this family. She is my heart.

While reading my sweet friend Lisa's blog this week, I read a quote she had posted. It really resonated with me. And I know it did with her too. She misses her Macie. There are so many Mama's with broken hearts over their children. This is a reminder for us...

A smart woman said, "If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards

Please pray for God's strength and comfort on me this week.
Oh how I miss this little girl. <3
Thank you,
Natalie Ross

8 comments:

  1. I am praying for you and your boys but especially for that bundle of joy in your belly. He/she will bring you such happiness. Stay Strong.

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  2. Such a touching post Natalie. I have these days too. I'm hoping you have so much to look forward though. Although you'll always miss your little girl, I hope you find comfort in being a mother to your newest sweet babe. :)

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  4. Natalie,
    I have started writing a comment many times and, I guess, 'chickened out." I have been following your story since day one. My heart hurt for you when I heard of Maddie's sweet life ending ever too soon. I've never met you, I've actually never met your husband...my husband, Ricky Sallee, went to school with him when they were quite young; and even tho I don't know you and you don't know me I pray for you daily. The Lord truly has used you in my life. I just wanted to say that I admire you for your strength that I've seen through this trial. It is so awesome to see all the "little" things God has done/sent you during this time, and I pray that He sends you peace and happiness once again. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to "get to know you" through your words. I'm so excited to meet your precious Maddie one day; something to truly look forward to!
    I'll be praying for you everyday for the next 8 months and for the many days after you meet this new little one!!
    ~Rachel Sallee

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  5. Natalie,
    I just stumbled across your blog. I am SO thankful that I did. You're belief in God and strength to continue to believe in Him after the loss of your beautiful baby girl is so amazingly inspiring. There have been many times in my life I've questioned Him but I always know He is with me in EVERYTHING I do, mistakes and all. You, your husband, your two little boys, Maddie, (and I'm sure Baby #4) are so incredible. The six of you deserve all the happiest on Earth (and Heaven) and more. Thinking of your story is so heartbreaking but your strength to overcome the hardest thing a mother can face is the most beautiful thing that I've ever read. You will be in all of my prayer throughout your pregnancy and beyond. God has blessed you, he has given you a beautiful baby girl that has touched so many lives in her short time on Earth than many people are able to touch in a lifetime. I hope that your strength in God continues to grow as you grow (baby belly and all!!!!) and heal. Good luck with everything!

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  6. Natalie,
    What a beautiful site for little Maddie! I will be praying for you and your family to get through tough days and always feels God's comfort. Your little angel is beautiful!

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  7. Thank you all so much for your sweet words! They mean so much. <3

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  8. nattie cakes...o this broke my heart. I have maddie's picture on my frig, I love seeing her everyday, she is precious & her life is not forgotten. This is a long road, one many don't completely understand b/c we've not been on it, but know that I'm praying, every day you pop into my mind & I pray. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions that this road brings, God puts such bonds between us & our loved ones...so strong & it's truely amazing. Love you!~heidi

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