Mommy, I miss Maddie...

3/15/11

Today Noah told me he missed Maddie.

Then he asked me to play "I will carry you."

This broke my heart. My sweet little boy misses his sister and there is nothing I can do about it. He looked so forward to her arrival and couldn't wait to "take care" of her and be my big helper. I think he was almost as excited about her coming as I was. And now he just misses her.

He brings her name up a few times a week, but this time he really showed emotion. As I turned the song on for him, I asked him why he wanted to hear it. I watched him as his little eyes filled up with tears and he said "I just miss her, Mommy."

I looked at him, his sweet little innocent sad face. Those little freckles sprinkled across his nose and those long eyelashes. He is filled with such pure innocence, yet he feels such heartache too.

I thought back to the day of Madeline's funeral. It was a day that I never expected to come as long as I lived. No parent ever expects to burry a child. I remember even in the midst of all of my grief how worried I was about my boys. I didn't know how much they understood or what they would remember. I didn't really even know what to say to them, except the truth; Maddie is in Heaven. I didn't know how much this would affect them.

Today, I realized just how much it did.

My sweet little Noah is sad, because he misses his baby sister. The little sister we talked about for months before she was born. The one that he helped me prepare for and was excited for.

I hate that even he is hurting. My heart broke all over again as I watched him today. There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain and knowing that you can't take it away and make it better.

We sat and listened to the words together and I cried.

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you...

I told Noah that I was happy that he was thinking of Maddie and it's good to talk about her when we miss her. I want him to always know she is a part of this family. I want my boys to grow up knowing that she was here, and just how much we all loved her. I hope they will always hold her in their hearts too.

I kissed his sweet little cheek and we listened some more.

I wonder if he relates this song so much to her because he heard it at her funeral. I wonder if he's heard me listen to it and seen me cry.

I wonder.

You never know just how much will affect a child. On this day, I realized just how much it affected Noah. He missed Maddie too.

If there was a make it all better button I could push, I would. No mother wants to see her child hurting. I just hate that my sweet little boy was feeling like this on this day.

Oh how different things would be if none of this had ever happened and she was here, growing up with two big brothers. It's a picture of perfection in my mind. A picture I painted over and over in my thoughts.
And yet, it was never enjoyed.

How can I comfort his heart when he says, "Mommy, I miss Maddie?" I wish I had the perfect answer. I wish I knew how to make it all better, but I don't. So, I point him to the One who does. I tell him more about God and we talk about how wonderful Heaven will be when we get there one day. I'm so thankful for this. I'm thankful that my boys are growing up in Church and learning about the One who has has our Maddie Grace with Him. This gives us all comfort.

I'm so thankful for the promise of Heaven. I say that all the time, I know, but I am. I can't imagine the thought of never seeing my daughter again. I know that I will because I believe the Word of God.

My little boy is watching us. He is looking up to his Mommy and Daddy and that is convicting to me. I want him to see the strength God has given. I don't want to fall apart, and let my son see that Mommy is defeated. I think it's okay for him to see us sad, knowing we miss Maddie Grace, but it's so important that we stay strong for our boys. They need us.

I have such a job to do with my children. I have to comfort them, love them, and teach them. That means in the good and the bad, I have to show them the way.

Later that day I found Maddie's pacifier on Noah's dresser. He had been looking at it that day. I walked by Maddie's room and saw her little dolls and blankets had been moved. The boys had put them in the crib and covered them with blankets. This broke my heart. I wish I could take away their pain.

Please pray that Rick and I will continue to teach and train our boys in the right way. In the times that I don't know what to say, please pray that the words will come.

Even in sorrow, I still have such a job to do. My prayer is that I can teach my boys the ways of Lord. They are growing up and I want them to love the Lord and know that He is good.

One day, Noah and Elijah will be the parents of children of their own. I hope when they tell their children about their little sister, they can say that their Mommy and Daddy stayed strong and trusted God. I also pray that when times get tough in their lives, they will go to God as well, knowing that He will take care of them.

Thank you Lord for giving me this job to do. I do not take it lightly and my prayer is that I will raise these babies up in you. Thank you for giving them to me.

Psalm 78:4-7
That the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should arise and declare them to their children:
That they might set their hope in God and not forget the works of God but keep his commandments.