The last two days have been a complete roller coaster ride for my family and I, and to be honest, I've had a hard time coming up with something "positive" to get on here and say today.
I guess this week I have reached my low once again, and I'm trying my best to pull myself back up.
From phone calls concerning my hospital bills from Maddie's delivery, and phone calls closing up on Madeline's files. To emails from Baby center and baby junk mail coming to the house everyday, I've become a bit of a mess this week.
I haven't been able to escape it. I can't forget at all what I've been through. I have to go through this pain, day in and day out. It's right there in front of me constantly.
I've gone to the Lord for sustenance, and He's provided. But I still hurt so very much.
Then as my family all got sick this week, including me, I've had a set back. I feel like the sickness along with the other things I've mentioned are starting to wear on me. I feel weak and exhausted and I was beginning to feel at my breaking point, and so was Rick.
It was in that moment, in the dark with tears in our eyes, that we realized just how weak we really are. In that moment we realized just how humanly physically exhausted we really are.
It's been 10 weeks of putting on our brave face for our boys.
10 weeks of trying to fit back into the life we used to live.
10 weeks of being a family of 4 again.
10 weeks since we held and kissed our sweet baby girl.
It's been 10 weeks too long.
Everyday I feel like she's slipping farther and farther away from me. And she is...
Yet, everyday, I'm moving closer to being with her again.
It's hard. Oh so very hard.
No one can prepare their heart for this kind of pain. There are not words to describe it. Just pure agony day in and day out.
I am so thankful for the Lord, because day in and day out I continue to run to Him and cling to Him.
He knows my prayers before I pray them. He knows my heart before I pour it out. He knows how many tears I cry. He knows my pain and He knows my sorrows.
He loves me.
At my weakest, sickest , most awful vulnerable state. He loves me.
He calms my heart when questions arise and he sends his sweet peace down to me. He puts His arms around me and whispers "It's okay, I'm here."
And He is.
Oh I don't know what Rick and I would do without the Lord. He is our Rock and our Salvation, our shelter from the storm, our song in the night. He is our Comforter.
I'm so very thankful that He is.
As I type here now, I am trembling from pain and exhaustion, and yet there is still such a sweet presence with me. I know the Lord is nigh. He walks with me everyday. He has never left me since my sweet Baby girl left my arms for His. She went to Him.
What a comfort that brings to my grieving heart. What a reminder of God's goodness in the midst of darkness and pain. She is with Him.
I may be weak and I am, but my Lord is my strength.
I am reminded of my husband's message that he preached on Sunday night, as he quoted the following scripture.
Matthew 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
This same passage of scripture that Rick preached from is the same one that has been on our hearts this week.
For the spirit is willing...
But our flesh is weak....
We know what we need to do to stay strong. It's what we have been doing. We read our Bibles, go to Church, witness to the Lost, love our boys. This is how we heal.
Our spirit is willing. We know what to do. We know how to survive in this new life we are living, and we have even had days of pure happiness and joy since.
But, since our flesh is weak, every little reason why and reminder can get us down. We can start to feel defeated, and when we get to this place, that is when Satan tries to get in and get the victory...
It's not going to happen. There is too much good coming out of this.
And as my Mom Vicky just told me "We've just got to get our boxing gloves on, and fight a little harder," that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to fight harder.
My flesh might be weak, but the spirit of God in me can win any battle.
I'm going to win!
So, as I'm feeling a little defeated on this day, will you pray with me?
I could really use your prayers. I need strength for this battle.
The battle that has become my life.
The battle for happiness in the midst of sorrow.
The battle of setting an example for my precious boys.
The battle of love and life and the right now.
Oh Lord, please give me the strength for this battle in my life that I need to overcome. I give all the glory, honor and praise to You.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.