Today I found myself in Maddie's room.
I was touching and looking at all her things. I was holding the blanket that I bundled her up in the night before she passed away. I was smelling her "pink" shampoo that they used on her gorgeous hair at the hospital. I was running my fingers over the bassinet that she slept in just the one night. I was looking through the headbands and bows that she never had a chance to wear. Just remembering...
It just seems so sad that her beautiful room was never used, never enjoyed. Everything is still brand new and exactly where it was the day I left for the hospital. This breaks my heart over and over again.
I had so many visions of me rocking her in her chair. I pictured laying her in her crib and playing her mobile for her. I wanted to watch her sleep and dream.
I was looking forward to so many things that just never came to be. There were so many things I wanted to experience with her in there, and here it sits empty...
Maddie Grace's Room~
Isn't it beautiful? I loved every second of preparing her precious bedroom.
I love to go in there and think of her, and I cry so much when I think she never got to enjoy being here. That is when I have to remind myself, that she is in a much better place than this little room. She is in Heaven.
But, as I looked through her drawers and her closet, I was missing her. I was wondering, hoping and praying, so unsure of what my future holds. So in love with my sweet girl, who is no longer here with me.
My heart was heavy as I wept for her, and longed for her.
I stayed in prayer with the Lord the whole time I was in there. I was asking Him for strength and sustenance. I asked Him to kiss my sweet Maddie's cheeks and asked Him to tell her that I love her.
I'm so thankful that I know the One who is with my girl. I'm so thankful that I can talk to God and ask Him to tell her things for me. I'm so thankful for the promise of Heaven.
I know I think of Heaven everyday now, a place I never used to think of much at all. I wonder what she's doing up there. I wonder what she looks like now. So many questions, and so much silence.
Yet, I know one day I will understand all things, and so I keep on going.
As I was struggling on this day, I could tell Rick was struggling too. Maybe because yesterday she would have been 2 months old, maybe because He just aches to hold her too; I'm not sure. I just know that I hate that his his heart is broken right along with mine.
Some days I wish I could just bear all the pain of her not being here. She has touched so many hearts through her departure, especially Rick's. I can't help but think of how great he would have been with her, and how the love in her eyes for him would have continued to grow. She loved him.
The other day, Rick and I were talking about what it would have been like raising her. We wondered what she would have looked like now, what she would have been doing, and what we would have loved to do with her. So sad.
We were also wondering if we would ever have the opportunity to raise another little girl. We surely would love that opportunity, and we hope the Lord gives us one. If for no other reason, I just want it for Rick. My heart is broken for him.
I stayed in prayer all day as I waited for my boys to get up from nap, and I found myself holding onto them tight. I was letting them lay in my lap, and I was just brushing my fingers through their sweet hair. I was feeling their soft warm skin as I kissed on them for a while. There is nothing I enjoy more than snuggling them, even more so now. I love my babies.
Sometimes I find myself just looking at them, trying to take it all in, fearful of a future that is not in my hands.
I know everything is in the Lords hands and I'm thankful for that, but I fear the worst sometimes as a result of the grief I've endured. I just have to keep remembering that God's ways are always best, and I will make it through whatever He gives me in this life.
But, I'm going to be honest, some days it's just plain hard.
Never have I woke up one day since Maddie Grace went to Heaven, and had an easy day. The pain, the fear, the memories, they stay with me, everyday, it's a part of my life.
So, everyday, I go to God's word and I go to prayer.
I know God hears me and I know He loves me. I just have to constantly remember to make Him such a huge part of my life.
Madeline has taught me to have a better relationship with the Lord. Since she is no longer physically here with me in this life, I go to the one she is with. I talk to Him. I read of Him. I fill the time I would have spent "with her" now with Him.
I know I would've loved every second with her here with me, and since she can't be, I know that I need to fill those moments of emptiness with the only One who can fill me up. And He does.
I talk of God's grace and peace so often in these posts, but the truth of the matter is, that is the only thing that sustains me. He is helping me to keep going, day after day.
I don't know what the cure for emptiness is. I search and pray. I ask for God to fill me and He does.
Yet some days I still feel empty.
I know the reason why is because Madeline is missing from my life. Sometimes, I get completely overwhelmed thinking of facing the rest of my life without her. It's in those moments that I don't look at the BIG picture, but I just look at the today, the right now.
I am reminded of the song that asks for a filling,
"Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up, Lord!
Come and quench this thirsting of my soul;
Bread of heaven, Feed me till I want no more--
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole!"
Everyday, I have to lift my cup up to the Lord. I have to ask him to fill it up and help me through the day. I have to ask Him to help me not get so overwhelmed when it starts to run dry, but remind myself to just lift it up again. He is sustaining my soul and making me whole.
Everyday, when I walk by my sweet girl's room and see it empty, I'll lift my cup again and ask God for more strength.
Everyday, when I see my husband's heart broken right along with mine, I'll lift it again and ask the Lord to fill us up.
And Everyday He will.