Last week, I felt like I couldn't hear the birds...
The sweet little birds that sing outside my window. The ones that come and play in the bird bath and in Maddie's tree.
I felt like I couldn't hear them.
I really don't know why. Maybe it was the overwhelming heat that was keeping them away and in the shade, but it was making me so sad. I just wanted to hear them chirp. I just wanted to feel close to my birdie girl.
My week started off really rough.
Monday, I received something in the mail that no mother should ever have to hold in her hand...
Maddie Grace's Death Certificate.
I didn't realize what it was or I would have never opened it. There is something so wrong about seeing Madeline's sweet precious name on a certificate describing death.
I couldn't believe it. I looked at it briefly and put it away.
It felt so unfair. I never even received a copy of her Birth Certificate and here I held a paper that spoke of her death. It completely broke my heart.
I didn't tell Rick, I didn't want him to see it. I didn't want his heart to break all over again like mine had. I just kept quiet. I prayed and I kept listening for those sweet birdie's to cheer me up.
The following day, On Tuesday, my boys ended up going to the Winnie the Pooh movie with their Mimi and Papa. I knew they would have a great time, so I was happy to let them go.
While they were gone, Rick suggested that we get started on taking down Madeline's nursery....
"What?" I thought...
I was NO WHERE NEAR READY FOR THAT.
But he knew we needed to do it and with the boys being gone, it would be the best time...
So, we went to walmart and bought a bunch of pink tubs. Tubs to pack up her entire room. (sigh)
At first I couldn't go in. I have been walking by her room for the last almost 7 months, wishing things were different. Wishing she could be in there.
Rick offered to do it all himself, but I had to go in. I had to hold and touch the things I bought for her, prepared for her, as we packed them up.
I was a mess. I opened the drawers, and started putting clothes away. I found her paci and clip that they gave me from the morning she passed away. I found her blankets and 2 little outfits she wore. I held her pink and turquoise tutu and remembered the day I put her in it and the photographer snapped pictures. I wept.
I cried and cried. I don't think I've ever cried that hard. It felt so wrong.
Why did I have to pack these things up? Why couldn't she have stayed?
Rick held me. We prayed. Then we kept packing. It took us all night to pack everything up.
By the end, we had 6 huge pink tubs, 2 boxes, a swing, car seat, 2 bouncers, a stroller, a bathtub, a play mat, along with a rug and all her decor piled in the middle of my living room. All pink, packed up to the ceiling.
So many plans. None of it used.
When I walked back up to the room, all that was left was a crib, dresser, changer and chair with no cushions.
No more pink.
It already looked like a boys room. Jonah's room.
I pulled out the bags of outfits I had bought for him and hung them in the closet. I folded his blankets and put them in his drawers.
I never expected to do this. I thought that room would hold a little girl who would grow up there. I saw pink and ponytails and lots of baby dolls.
Now, I am buying blue and green and puppy dogs again.
My life is so different. Familiar with sweet baby boys items, but oh so different.
My nest has most definitely been stirred up. My sweet birdie girl has taken flight from this world, never to return again. Yet, I go on making this nest comfortable for the ones who have stayed...
It has been such a emotionally taxing week for me, but in the midst of my weakness and sorrow, God still sends reinforcements. He still sends blessings...
I received a letter and package from one of my sweetest friends from Tennessee...
My sweet friend Robyn (who also has a great love for birds :) sent me a package with the most precious story...
Let me type what she wrote...
"A few weeks ago, our shrubs were out of control. They finally got trimmed and while stannding on our front porch, I looked down and saw a bird's nest in plain view. I couldn't believe how low it was, but I always remembered that sparrows build their nests in bushes and lower trees. I immediately ran in and grabbed my camera and started taking shots. It was such a rare opportunity to be so close to a nest.
I had my camera up to my face and you popped into my head. I knew it was for a reason. For the last 6 months, I've asked the Lord to lay you on my heart at the moments when you need prayer. I know that when I think of you, it's for a reason. (So I pray for you) But this time, I knew it couldn't stop there.
So, I took some pictures without disturbing the nest, and then it hit me- There were four eggs...
I couldn't believe how perfect that was. I began preparing to send you a prints of my fun little discovery. Every time I looked at the pictures, I fell in love with these future little babies. So precious. So perfect.
I had wanted to keep an eye out for the baby birds, but we had been traveling and I somehow missed the hatching and all the rest. When I went back to check on the nest, all of them were gone ~ except one...
One little bird never left the nest. It never flew with it's siblings. It's mother never got the chance to teach it to fly next to her.
But, even though she didn't grow into a grown bird, she was still a part of that family.
She was still a part of that nest.
She was there.
She told a story that touched someones life"....
Isn't it amazing how at your lowest points, God sends a blessing along to lift up your spirits and help you carry on?
That day, God used Robyn.
She went on to tell me what Maddie has meant to her and how much her story has impacted her life in so many ways....
I'm so thankful for her friendship, and I'm so thankful for her care and concern for me.
Robyn was right. She may not have grown and flown with her big brothers and now her little brother on the way, but she did exist. She was here. She was a part of our little nest and she always will be.
Time will go on, room decor may change, but one thing is for sure.
Madeline Grace will always be my third little birdie. My little girl.
She got her wings to Heaven a little before everyone else, but she blessed our nest for the short time she was here.
She will always be remembered. She will always be a part of this family. And she will always be my sweet little birdie girl...
Since that day, I have been hearing the birds sing again. Their songs have lifted my spirits.
We are so excited about preparing for Jonah and making a beautiful nursery for him. We can't wait to welcome him home and tell him all about his precious sister who made a way for him.
We decided to keep the turquoise walls and the beautiful tree mural that Rick painted on the wall. This way a piece of what we did for Maddie, can carry on for years to come.
Please continue to pray for our sweet little boy during the second half of my pregnancy. He has given us so much hope again and when the sad days do come, he brings me joy with his little kicks and hiccups. <3
He is going to be a wonderful addition to our sweet little nest.
Much Love to you...