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July 5, 2011

Healing...

For so long, so many people have told me time will heal your pain. You just need time.

Time. Time. Time.

But it took me finding myself in our Church bathroom (in tears) on a Sunday night, surrounded by precious ladies who love me, for me to hear the truth.

Time doesn't heal pain.

It lessens it. It helps it to fade a little, but it doesn't heal.

Only God can heal pain. Only God.

It was like a light turned on in my head.

Hello? How did I miss this? I kept thinking, it's been 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 months now and the pain still feels exactly the same.

The nightmares still come. The memories still overwhelm my heart and mind. My arms still ache.

I may even miss her more now than I did then. Time hasn't helped me, it's just reminded me that she isn't here still.

Time tells me that my daughter would be 6 months tomorrow. Time is insulting. Time hurts.

So, what do I do? Let go of time and Let God........

Yes.

It was in that moment, in tears in the bathroom of my Church on a Sunday night service, that I came to the reality of this.

My sweet friends made me realize, It's okay to miss her still so much. I don't have to "move on" as I feel some people feel I should. Heartless people, may I add.

When you lose someone you love, you carry that with you the rest of your life. I know that women I spoken who have lost children say it hurts the rest of their life. They still miss them years and decades later...

My friend Heidi was telling me the other day that at a 90 year old precious lady's funeral, her children said she still talked about the 2 children she lost up until she passed. One  of her children was still born and the other passed in young child hood. Even into her 90's she would talk about missing them. And now, since she has gone to Heaven, she is with them.

Time won't take pain away. Time won't take Maddie away, she will always be my heart and that heart will always ache for her...

Yet another huge lesson I've learned through this trial in my life is this.... There is no timetable for healing.

Whether it's a mother/father, brother/sister, grandma/grandpa, son or daughter. The pain will always be there. They will always be missed. Always.

In my "When you say nothing at all" post, I talked a little about this. It hurts worse to say nothing. So now, I talk to people about their loved ones. Whoever it is that they've lost, I love to hear the stories. Yes, sometimes it's painful to talk about, but it also helps to remember. To know that they were loved much and will continue to be missed much.

I truly believe that Heaven is sweeter with our loved ones there. We want to go be with them again one day.

So now, instead of waiting for time to heal my pain. I don't look to time anymore. It's too overwhelming. I get way too overwhelmed thinking of going through an entire life without my Maddie Grace.

Now, I look to the Lord to give me strength and heal my heart, day by day.

And day by day, He is...

Thank you Angel and Annette for helping me to realize this... I needed that. =)

MGR

Missing you today my sweet girl. Asking God for strength and grace while I miss you. <3

 

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

3 comments:

  1. Natalie, I had a very sweet friend that died at the age of 97. She had had a miscarriage over 70 years before. I can remember being pregnant with Allison and even once Allison was born, she talked about her sweet child. You are so right, the pain never goes away. I just pray the Lord continues to provide the strength you need.

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  2. I know you don't know me, but a friend found your blog and told me about it. I have been reading ever since and am praying for you. My arms ache too...for a child I've never had. I am learning to wait on God...to have "hope" that some day He will bless us with a baby. Thank you for your encouraging posts. No matter what happens in life, God is still good. He loves us! I can't wait to meet you in Heaven some day with little Maddie in your arms....arms that will ache no longer! Praise the Lord!

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  3. Natalie, I am so glad you have wonderful friends to help you through tough times, when you feel so sad. We are also all here for you! Thinking of you daily!

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