I have had a hard time sleeping the last couple of nights. I've just had a lot on my mind and I can't seem to get it to stop racing.
Saturday night was a normal Saturday night for us. I gave the boys baths and brushed their teeth. We got them in their jammie's and they got into bed while I was getting clothes ready for Sunday. Rick gave the boys devotions and I went in to kiss them goodnight.
Just a normal night.
I heard them praying with their Daddy and saying what they are "thankful" for. Every night, they both spout off a list of all the things they are thankful for and every night their lists always includes Maddie...
I'm glad they think of her and are thankful for her but on this night, I realized just how much she has affected little Eli's life.
Rick and I had headed downstairs after tucking them into bed and had began to watch a movie. The house was quiet and we were enjoying spending time together.
A few minutes later, we heard someone coming down the stairs. It was Eli.
I caught glimpse of him in the light of the television and I could see the big crocodile tears in his eyes.
He walked over to us and said "I want to go to Heaven."
Ummm. Okay. I have been praying he will get saved, but I know he doesn't completely understand sin yet and is just a little too little to understand getting saved. So, why would he say this?
Rick said to him "Heaven is wonderful, and we want you to go there, but why do you want to go right now?"
Eli replied, "I want to go see Baby Maddie," as he broke out into a sob.
He just kept repeating it over and over again "I want to go see Baby Maddie, I want to go see Baby Maddie!"
Rick looked at me and I looked at him. What do you say?
How do you console your 3 year old child who doesn't understand why he cannot see his baby sister anymore?
It broke both our hearts.
Elijah talks about Maddie every day.
He saves his baby blankets for her.
He brings me pacifier's for her.
He talks about how he's going to change her diapers and feed her.
He tells me that the 3rd swing on the swingset is for her.
The treehouse Daddy is building is gonna be for her too.
It's like he still thinks she's still coming. And over and over, I tell him, "Eli, Baby Maddie's in Heaven, remember?"
Words that are hard to say.
So, on this night, I couldn't help but let my heart break for him. It took us over a half an hour to calm him down. He just wanted his sister. He just wanted to see her.
Rick and I hugged on him and loved on him and told him that we miss her too.
I thought, maybe, he was starting to understand that she wasn't going to come back. Which made me sad, but a little relieved that he was starting to understand.
Then, the next day he was talking about her all over again and what he wanted to do with her.
I thought, maybe he is relating the new baby in Mommy's growing belly to Madeline's pregnancy? He was only two for my entire pregnancy with her. That's so young to understand.
I don't know. I just know that my little baby boy has a broken heart over his sister too. So much so, that he wanted to go to Heaven, just so he could see her. =(
That night, I could empathize with Eli. I miss her too. I want to see her too. I want to hold her too.
I'm just so thankful that I can hold him when he's sad. I don't want him to stop talking about his sister, she is a part of this family. I just hope that soon, it won't hurt my heart so much when he mentions her name.
We are getting there, one day at a time.
Maybe some of you have advice on how to handle this delicate situation?
I'd love for you to share.
In the mean time, we are just moving forward and trying to raise our boys to the best of our ability, even when they have broken hearts too.
We have some exciting things coming up and I'm hoping they will help keep our spirits up.
Our gender ultrasound is July 21st and the boys are so exciting to see their newest sibling on the t.v. screen. haha. I hope this will help to heal their hearts a little.