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April 19, 2011

Someone's missing...


Today we had a family day all day, it was nice. I love spending time with Rick and my boys, and I love the sweet memories we are making. Although, I just can't help but think that Maddie Grace is constantly missing from our family, and she is.

The weeks after Madeline passed away, I was constantly searching for her, listening for her. My body had prepared for having a baby and then I did. So, my ears were keened in to hearing her. My arms were ready to be holding her. I was looking forward to feeding her and watching her grow. We were going to have a lifetime together.

So, the day she passed away, I felt like all of this was just ripped away from me, No warning. No preparation. Nothing.

Since, that day, I have been trying to catch up to all of this. Slowly, I'm finding my new normal and trying to make sense of my days. Some days I wake up happy and feel a little like my old self. Other days, I just cry all day and have such a hard time doing anything normal. This is such a long road.

My heart continues to ache and every single night I still have nightmares. During the day, I don't search for her anymore, but in the nighttime I still do. It's like my brain is trying to comprehend everything because all day I just can't make sense of it.

I feel so bad for my poor Husband. Almost every night I wake him up with another one of my nightmares. Every night. I thought by now this would stop but it hasn't. It's really taking a toll on me physically. I'm exhausted.

We read our Bible and go to bed in prayer every single night, but I still have nightmares all the time. I'm searching for the one who is missing everyday.

So on this Saturday, after I woke up from another night of bad dreams, I tried to stay positive and happy for my family. This really is a daily struggle for me, but I do it because I love my boys.

We went to breakfast and then did our Church visitation. The day was going pretty good. We decided to go over to the Hospital and see Rick's sister who was very sick.

When we pulled into the parking lot, my heart skipped a beat. So many memories.

I was quiet walking in, holding back tears. In the elevator Eli looked up at me and said "We were here with you." He remembered being there for Maddie. =(

We made it to her room and had a nice visit. She was feeling better and they were discussing letting her out soon. I was glad.

While we were there, I couldn't help but notice that the room looked just like post partum room Rick, Maddie and I spent 24 hours in. My mind wandered to some of those moments. It broke my heart.

As we left, the boys needed to go potty. Rick took them and I waited in the hallway for them.

I looked over to my left and saw the "family birth center". I didn't even realize we were on the same floor. My heart sank. I could see into the infant nursery. No babies were there. My eyes instantly welled up with tears.

I wanted to be back there the day we were getting induced with Maddie. I wanted to go back to the day when my world was still right. I wanted to have and hold my baby. I wanted it so much.

I wanted to walk into the nursery and say "can I have my baby now?" I wanted to put this nightmare behind me that I live everyday. I wanted it so much.

Rick came back into the hallway, and I told him I just wanted to go get our baby. Oh how I wish it was that easy...

I know God has a great plan with all of this and I'm thankful for that. I know He is in control and I am thankful for that too.

I just miss my daughter. Every single second of every day, I miss her. I will always miss her.

When I wake up in the morning and get my boys dressed, she's missing.

When I feed them there daily meals, she's missing.

When we have a fun family outing, she's missing.

When we snap a family photo, she's missing.

When I tuck the boys into bed each night, she's missing.

Someone's always missing. Madeline is always missing.

I miss her so much today. I wish I could hold her.

Until then, I'll just cling to the One who is holding her and pray that He helps me down this long, long road of missing...

Psalms 31:9-10 Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my STRENGTH faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.


  1. O Nat...this made me so sorrowful with you. I can't imagine how much you miss her & your heart & body ache for her. We are praying for you...everyday...praying for comfort. Love you!~heidi

  2. I wish that I could find the right words to say to help you feel better Natalie, to ease your pain and lift you up. Im thinking of you - as I do often, please take care of yourself!!

  3. I know this feeling all too well.

    Our first night at SickKids with Jack, my husband while still sleeping, started searching his pillow, pulling the inside out of it's case. He was frantic. I asked him what he was looking for. He responded he was searching for Jack-My husband was searching for our baby in his pillow.

    I had to remind him, gently, that Jack wasn't in the pillow, he was in the isolet in the NICU. That we were at the hospital. He didn't get it, but went back to sleep. He doesn't remember these actions.

    Your body was searching, listening for Maddie, because she SHOULD have been there. I'm so sorry she's not.

  4. I am praying for you right now.

    Love and Prayers!

  5. Im so sorry. I so know the feeling.

    Sorry for not commenting lately....i'm having a rough time right now and the energy fails me to at times.