3 months since Maddie...

4/6/11

Well, it's taken me a few days to write about the 3 Month birthday of Maddie.

I really don't even know where to begin, as I'm still completely heartbroken.

I guess, I pictured this 3 month mark so very differently than the way our lives are right now. And as I know she is no longer here, I still wish things were so very different.

I expected to be crying over "outgrown" clothes and moving up to the next size, but instead I'm crying over my little girl who I will never watch grow up. This breaks my heart.

I keep thinking every day, every month that goes by, it will get easier. Yet, it seems to feel exactly the same. The hurt is just as bad and I feel like I miss her more day in and day out.

I just want my Maddie Grace.

As I went about my day, I cried. I was sad and quite depressed. I tried to focus on the positive things in my life and stay busy with those, but Maddie weighed so heavy on my mind. I tried to remind myself that she was happy. And she is. But on this day, I just wasn't, and I was about to pretend to be.

I feel like I've stayed so positive through all of this but I was really struggling on this day.

By the time Rick got home, I was a mess.

He knew it and he called me throughout the day to check on me. We were planning on going to the cemetery after he got off work and taking some flowers to our little girls spot. Saying that still seems so unreal.

Rick had suggested we take the boys with us and I really didn't want to, but he thought it would be good to teach them we go there to "remember" Maddie. He knew that for many years to come we would be going there and he wanted them to be a part of that.

The boys don't have many memories of their sister, but they talk of her often, and I always want that to be a part of their lives.

So, we got ready and headed out the door. I got my flowers and the little bunny I was going to take over. Rick suggested the boys bring something, and so they each went and got a toy to bring so Maddie could see it. =) I thought that was so sweet. But so sad at the same time. I just wish they could have grown up playing together. So many wishes. But, God's will is still perfect.

When we pulled up to the cemetery, the tears were already flowing. I just can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is where I have to go. I hate it.

When we arrived at her gravesite, Rick held my had as we walked toward her grave. Still so unreal. This was the 3rd time now that I had visited. I have such a hard time going. I know my Maddie is not here. I know that. She is happy and healthy and in Heaven. I know that, but it is still so very hard for me to go.

I heard all the birds chirping as I walked, I felt a sweet presence come over me. I'm so thankful for Spring arriving, and for all the birds who remind me of my sweet girl.

I leaned down and cleaned over the area and threw away the dead flowers.
I situated the "things" people have brought her and we placed the the new flowers down. Hot and light pink, so my Maddie Grace.

I set the bunny next to her little angel, and the boys set down their toys. At first Eli didn't want to leave his, but he did. It made me proud. Rick said a few words about her and then we prayed. We asked God for strength and peace, and once again He provided. I'm so thankful for his grace. I don't know how I would get through this without it. God's grace is sufficient.

Rick then took the boys to some of the surrounding graves to pray for some of their families too. He explained to the boys that these other graves were of babies, and their parents probably missed their babies too, like how we miss Maddie.

As I was still kneeling at my little girl's grave, I watched my AMAZING Husband take my little boys hands and pray for those parents. Pray that they were saved and pray that they had peace as they missed their babies. I then watched as he had the boys pray too.

It was an amazing moment. I have an amazing Husband. I just don't know men like him. He is one of a kind, and I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I can't imagine not having him to go through this life with and hold my hand in the hard times we are walking through. He is my rock. I love him so much.

As we left the cemetery that day, I felt a little better. I'm getting a little more used to this being my life, but I still hurt so much. I will always hurt.

There is another Mommy of a baby in Heaven, who told me these words this week, "To hurt much means we have loved much." Those words are so true.

I miss you Madeline Grace. I will always miss you. You taught me a love I didn't know existed. Happy 3 Months my sweet birdie girl. We love you.

My sweet boys kissing their sister.

I'm so lucky to have known this little girl. My little girl who has changed lives for the better and impacted souls for eternity. What a blessing she is!

2 Timothy 2:1
Thou therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.