Raising up Husbands...

I remember when I was expecting my first baby (Noah) just how much I wanted a boy.

Growing up with a big brother, I just loved the fact that he was the oldest, and I was his little sister. It was just the two of us in our family, but it was so wonderful. We were just 3 years apart, and though we had the occasional (okay daily) fights, there was nothing like having my big brother to watch over me.

So my whole pregnancy with Noah, I wanted a boy and I was pretty sure he was one.

I was so happy when they announced it on that day in the Ultrasound room. Probably not as happy as Rick though, I think he could've probably been heard shouting "YES! A BOY!" around the world.

When Noah arrived, we were completely smitten with him. His dark hair, chubby cheeks and dimpled chin pretty much stole my heart. I remember holding him and staring at him for hours on end. He made me a Mom. He gave me a job to do in this world.

I have been so blessed to be the Mama to this little boy and now as he is about to turn 6 and heading off to 1st grade, I feel even more blessed to have had him in my life all these years. He truly has been such an amazing little boy.

I remember during his first year of life, I just kept asking God to help me raise him and be a good Mama. I was only 22 when he came into my life and still so much of a baby myself, but Rick and I loved learning and growing with him and we still are today.

My Husband is such an amazing Dad. From the moment I first watched Rick hold him, I melted and thought to myself, I hope he grows up to be just like his Daddy. So far... He has. =)

Rick has also been the most AMAZING Husband over the last 8 years. He has been my provider, protector and best friend. We have been through SO much since our wedding Day in 2003, but through it all , he has been my rock. When I didn't have God, he led me to Him. When times got tough, he once again pointed me to Him. I wish every girl could be so luck as to have a husband like mine.

So, when we received our double portion, Elijah Braden, I thought. WOW. I have a job to do. Little boys are such a blessing. I decided then and there that I was gonna do my best to raise them right. To teach them to be honest, and faithful and loving and kind. I want them to do something great in this world. I want them to leave a mark here and really touch lives. I truly believe they will.

So, when God gave us Eli, my heart melted all over again. Another little boy to love and raise. Another little boy who can really impact this world for the good, if I do my job right. Another little blessing...

After Maddie was born, I thought... That's it. I am complete. We have our precious boys and our little girl and they have each other. Maddie would not only have one older brother to look out for her but TWO. My world seemed absolutely perfect.

But somewhere along this time, I forgot to continue to pray for "futures." I guess I got so caught up in my role as a Mom and a Wife, that things like continued prayer and Bible reading began to slip my mind... And it takes a lot to admit this, but I wasn't where I needed to be. I mean we were still completely faithful in Church and the ministry but something was missing. It seemed like Rick and I were arguing more. It seemed like the hard times were getting harder. We just weren't where we needed to be. We needed to refocus on the Lord.

Through Madeline's passing, we most definitely did that. Sometimes I wonder if that is why He took her back home. I don't think it would have changed anything, I feel this was His plan all along, but I do wonder things. I can help but wonder why our little girl is no longer here. It's something I wonder often. Why us?

But it's in those moments that God draws us near to Him and reminds me that His will  IS perfect for my life.

I've said it often since January the 6th, how perfect my life was for those two days. How complete I felt. If you have experienced the joy of having both genders, then you can relate. It just makes you feel lucky. <3

So what now? I know all of you are probably really wondering how I am doing since the news of another boy.

And rightfully so, it was evident how much I wanted and still do want another little girl.

But....

God wants me to have another boy. And I am very thankful for him.

We have named him. We have started working on his nursery. I am shopping nonstop (hehe) for him. And more than anything, I just want to hold him and fall in love with another precious baby boy. He is healing me in ways I didn't know anyone could.

I don't cry when I see baby girls anymore. I don't cry everyday at all to be honest. Most days, yes, but not every single day, all day long anymore.

Jonah Asher is holding my heart along with Noah and Elijah and Rick.

To be honest I feel very lucky. I will have 4 amazing boys to love me. I will be surrounded by boys and I get to be the princess of the house. While Princess Maddie Grace watches over us from her Mansion in Heaven.=)

So many people have said "You need a girl" or welcome to the "Boy Club."

But what they don't understand is, I still have a daughter. I carried her, prepared for her, gave birth to her and enjoyed her. I will always have a daughter. I will always have 3 boys and a girl, even though she isn't here, she is still my daughter and always will be.

I don't leave her out. I never will.

Just yesterday, at Motherhood, I told the sales clerk about her when she asked how many children I have. Sure, it may seem like a soft subject, but why? She has made me who I am in this moment.

Just because God's son (died) on the cross, does that not still make Him God's Son? He is still Jesus, God's son.

Madeline Grace is still my daughter. God gave us our hearts desire when He gave her to us. Yes, when I packed up her things, it broke my heart. I wanted to use them. I wanted to watch her grow up.

But the truth of the matter is, I still enjoyed all those special moments I shared with her. I got to do my "pink" thing and I loved every second of it!

But, I do have little boys to raise. I have a job to do with them.

Soooooo, I said ALL of that to say this... I promise I have a point with this post. haha =)

A few days after I found out I was carrying another boy, a sweet lady in our Church named Robin pulled me aside. With tears in her eyes, she hugged me and told me Congratulations.

She told me that she prayed and wanted me to have a girl so badly, but she knew as soon as she heard it was a boy that God had a HUGE plan.

Then she reminded me of that very thing I used to think about and pray for way back when the boys were tiny. The one thing I should have NEVER got away from.

How to better pray for our children.

She told me that God had such a special plan for Rick and I because he was giving us not one, or two but three sons to raise. And not just three sons, but...

Three Husbands.

You may be thinking, HUH? But it's true.

Robin told be that since the day her daughter Bailee (one of my SS girls) was born, she has been praying for her Husband. Since she was born! =)

She has been praying that God would send her a Godly man who would love her and take care of her.

Then she told me this "But I don't know (who) is raising her Husband." She said "My prayer is that he is being raised up in a Christian home and learning to serve God in everything he does, but I don't know. I don't know who he is, or where he is."

Then she said this "Natalie, you and Rick are raising up 3 Husbands. God has chose you to raise these little boys up and that is such and honor. He chose you."

(CHILLS) She's right. He did.

Then she went on to say some very kind things about how lucky our little boys are to have parents raising them right, under Gods Word and in Church. She made some wonderful compliments to us and it really blessed my heart.

It was such an ah ha moment for me.

Wow.

God chose me. God chose Rick. To raise up little boys to be men one day. Husbands.

I am raising someones Husband.

I thought back to how Rick's precious Mom used to tell me how she would pray every night for his wife and that God would send him a good one. She knew how to pray and to this day is one of the greatest prayer warriors I know. To think she was praying for "me" all along really blesses my heart. Some days I don't feel good enough, but I have seen just how wonderful of a relationship we have and how thankful I am to be a part of her family.  I watch as all three of her children are in Church and serving God.

Oh the prayers of a Mama.

So, since that day, I'm committed again. I've got my stride back in the "raising and praying for my children" thing.

I feel honored.

I want to raise these little boys up to be amazing. Will you pray for me? What a job it is that I have to do. What an honor.

And one day, I will meet Noah, Elijah and Jonah's wives and I will know, I prayed for them.

One day Robin will meet Bailee's Husband and she will know, she prayed for him.

And I know that Rick's precious Mom prayed for me.

What a blessing it is to raise little boys. Some days I don't feel good enough or qualified, but God must think I am. And for that I will forever be grateful. Always. Maybe one day we will get to have another little girl and raise her. I hope so, but if not, I'll just always be grateful I had Maddie Grace. The opportunity to raise children is such a blessing. We should never take it lightly.

Can I encourage you to pray for the spouses of you children. I don't think you would ever regret it. May we never get so caught up in "raising" our children that we forget what we are raising them to do.

One day, they will be parents like we are. One day they will be all grown up. Let's not lose sight of the most important things in life. Let's remember to pray for them in many specific ways. Those prayers will never go unheard. =) I promise.

Much Love,

Natalie

Here are a couple of other pics from the day we found out Jonah was coming...

Enjoy!

YAY for a baby brother!!! =)

The Nest...

Last week, I felt like I couldn't hear the birds...

The sweet little birds that sing outside my window. The ones that come and play in the bird bath and in Maddie's tree.

I felt like I couldn't hear them.

I really don't know why. Maybe it was the overwhelming heat that was keeping them away and in the shade, but it was making me so sad. I just wanted to hear them chirp. I just wanted to feel close to my birdie girl.

My week started off really rough.

Monday, I received something in the mail that no mother should ever have to hold in her hand...

Maddie Grace's Death Certificate.

I didn't realize what it was or I would have never opened it. There is something so wrong about seeing Madeline's sweet precious name on a certificate describing death.

I couldn't believe it. I looked at it briefly and put it away.

It felt so unfair. I never even received a copy of her Birth Certificate and here I held a paper that spoke of her death. It completely broke my heart.

I didn't tell Rick, I didn't want him to see it. I didn't want his heart to break all over again like mine had. I just kept quiet. I prayed and I kept listening for those sweet birdie's to cheer me up.

The following day, On Tuesday, my boys ended up going to the Winnie the Pooh movie with their Mimi and Papa. I knew they would have a great time, so I was happy to let them go.

While they were gone, Rick suggested that we get started on taking down Madeline's nursery....

"What?" I thought... 

I was NO WHERE NEAR READY FOR THAT.

But he knew we needed to do it and with the boys being gone, it would be the best time...

So, we went to walmart and bought a bunch of pink tubs. Tubs to pack up her entire room. (sigh)

At first I couldn't go in. I have been walking by her room for the last almost 7 months, wishing things were different. Wishing she could be in there.

Rick offered to do it all himself, but I had to go in. I had to hold and touch the things I bought for her, prepared for her, as we packed them up.

I was a mess. I opened the drawers, and started putting clothes away. I found her paci and clip that they gave me from the morning she passed away. I found her blankets and 2 little outfits she wore. I held her pink and turquoise tutu and remembered the day I put her in it and the photographer snapped pictures. I wept.

I cried and cried. I don't think I've ever cried that hard. It felt so wrong.

Why did I have to pack these things up? Why couldn't she have stayed?

Rick held me. We prayed. Then we kept packing. It took us all night to pack everything up.

All night.

By the end, we had 6 huge pink tubs, 2 boxes, a swing, car seat, 2 bouncers, a stroller, a bathtub, a play mat, along with a rug and all her decor piled in the middle of my living room. All pink, packed up to the ceiling.

So many plans. None of it used.

When I walked back up to the room, all that was left was a crib, dresser, changer and chair with no cushions.

No more pink.

It already looked like a boys room. Jonah's room.

I pulled out the bags of outfits I had bought for him and hung them in the closet. I folded his blankets and put them in his drawers.

I never expected to do this. I thought that room would hold a little girl who would grow up there. I saw pink and ponytails and lots of baby dolls.

Now, I am buying blue and green and puppy dogs again.

My life is so different. Familiar with sweet baby boys items, but oh so different.

My nest has most definitely been stirred up. My sweet birdie girl has taken flight from this world, never to return again. Yet, I go on making this nest comfortable for the ones who have stayed...

It has been such a emotionally taxing week for me, but in the midst of my weakness and sorrow, God still sends reinforcements. He still sends blessings...

I received a letter and package from one of my sweetest friends from Tennessee...

My sweet friend Robyn (who also has a great love for birds :) sent me a package with the most precious story...

Let me type what she wrote...

"A few weeks ago, our shrubs were out of control. They finally got trimmed and while stannding on our front porch, I looked down and saw a bird's nest in plain view. I couldn't believe how low it was, but I always remembered that sparrows build their nests in bushes and lower trees. I immediately ran in and grabbed my camera and started taking shots. It was such a rare opportunity to be so close to a nest.

 I had my camera up to my face and you popped into my head. I knew it was for a reason. For the last 6 months, I've asked the Lord to lay you on my heart at the moments when you need prayer. I know that when I think of you, it's for a reason. (So I pray for you) But this time, I knew it couldn't stop there.

So, I took some pictures without disturbing the nest, and then it hit me- There were four eggs...

I don't think I have to tell you the significance of that. =) Four babies!

I couldn't believe how perfect that was. I began preparing to send you a prints of my fun little discovery. Every time I looked at the pictures, I fell in love with these future little babies. So precious. So perfect.

I had wanted to keep an eye out for the baby birds, but we had been traveling and I somehow missed the hatching and all the rest. When I went back to check on the nest, all of them were gone ~ except one...

One little bird never left the nest. It never flew with it's siblings. It's mother never got the chance to teach it to fly next to her.

But, even though she didn't grow into a grown bird, she was still a part of that family.

She was still a part of that nest.

She was there.

She existed.

She told a story that touched someones life"....

(Chills)

Isn't it amazing how at your lowest points, God sends a blessing along to lift up your spirits and help you carry on?

That day, God used Robyn.

She went on to tell me what Maddie has meant to her and how much her story has impacted her life in so many ways....

I'm so thankful for her friendship, and I'm so thankful for her care and concern for me.

Robyn was right. She may not have grown and flown with her big brothers and now her little brother on the way, but she did exist. She was here. She was a part of our little nest and she always will be.

Time will go on, room decor may change, but one thing is for sure.

Madeline Grace will always be my third little birdie. My little girl.

She got her wings to Heaven a little before everyone else, but she blessed our nest for the short time she was here.

She will always be remembered. She will always be a part of this family. And she will always be my sweet little birdie girl...

Since that day, I have been hearing the birds sing again. Their songs have lifted my spirits.

We are so excited about preparing for Jonah and making a beautiful nursery for him. We can't wait to welcome him home and tell him all about his precious sister who made a way for him.

We decided to keep the turquoise walls and the beautiful tree mural that Rick painted on the wall. This way a piece of what we did for Maddie, can carry on for years to come.

Please continue to pray for our sweet little boy during the second half of my pregnancy. He has given us so much hope again and when the sad days do come, he brings me joy with his little kicks and hiccups. <3

He is going to be a wonderful addition to our sweet little nest.

Much Love to you...

Natalie Ross

Three little words...

Our human language is an amazing thing. The words we say and hear affect us so very strongly on a daily basis. We can speak in so many different ways.

We can speak in love.
We can speak in anger.
We can speak in laughter.
We can speak in pain.

But we speak...

When we talk, our emotions pour out into the words we are saying.

But.... it's those very words that we hear, that really change us.

I'll never forget the first time I heard...

I love you.

I'll never forget the look on Rick's face when I heard him speak these words to me for the first time. It was really early on in relationship but we both just really new. Of course I immediately replied "I love you" right back. It was love and saying those words was just an outpouring of the emotions in our hearts.

Those three little words meant so much to me. Those three little words still do every time he tells them to me.

It's amazing the power behind our words.

Last weekend I heard another set of three little words that changed me so much.

I'll never forget hearing them twice before. Once was the day we found out that our sweet first baby was a little boy. Then again for our second born. There is nothing like that moment in the ultrasound room when you hear what the little baby is going to be, Boy or Girl?

It's such a special moment. It's a moment that changes your family forever. I remember them all vividly.

The day we found out Madeline was a girl, was one of the best days of my life. Deep down I just knew that she was a girl and Rick and I were so anxious to hear the news. I think I could tell before the ultrasound tech even told us, but we both cried when she announced it. Shock, excitement, and joy overwhelmed us. It was one of those moments that you never wanted to end. It was so so special. After 2 little boys, God was giving us a little splash of pink, our sweet Maddie Grace.

Going in to last weeks ultrasound, I was a wreck. I was nervous, scared, emotional but also very excited. I "knew" what the baby was, and I just wanted to hear them say it. "It's a Girl." I thought that our world would resume and life would go on and we could fall in love with another beautiful baby girl and this one, God was going to let us keep. She was our hope.

Everyone I know said we were having a girl. Rick and I thought we were having a girl. Our hearts and so many signs led us to believe is was a girl. My Mommy intuition, which never failed me with the other three, said Girl.

But as I laid on the table looking at my sweet baby while holding my Husbands hand, instead I heard these words...

It's a Boy!

A Boy?

I looked to Rick and he looked back at me. A Boy? So many things ran through my head. My baby girl name. My beautiful girlie nursery. Our family with another sweet girl. But Mostly....

Maddie Grace.

I looked back to the screen with tears in my eyes. I watched as my new little boy was kicking his little legs and moving his arms. I watched as the ultrasound tech was trying to move his little hand out of the way. He had it right down in the gender area. (lol) There was no doubt about it. He was definitely a boy.

I watched as he opened his mouth and moved his little head. He was beautiful. A picture of perfection.

At one point he looked like he was just kicked back with his little legs up in the air, just relaxing. Happy.

I listened and looked over to my other two boys. They were excited about seeing their new brother. They were going to have a little brother. Someone else to play swords and ball with.

As the ultrasound came to the end, I looked around the room. Everyone had tears in their eyes.

What do you say? What do you say to a couple who wanted more than anything for God to give them another baby girl to love and raise?

You may think that I'm sounding insensitive, but I'm not. I'm just still grieving. Less than a year ago, I was in that very same room hearing "It's a Girl."

Our lives were changed. We had a daughter. Madeline came and then Madeline went back home. It was too soon for us. We missed our little girl. We miss our little girl.

Maybe it was too soon? Maybe I hadn't healed enough. Maybe we should have waited longer?

It really didn't matter. God knew.

A baby boy is coming and he will help us. He will fill our arms. He will give us joy.

Yes, I realized in that moment how much healing I still have to do in missing Maddie Grace, but I also realized this...

I AM BLESSED.

God has chosen to give us another little boy. He will add to this family in such an amazing way. I can only think that God must have some HUGE plans for him. Everyone I know was praying that God would bless us with another little girl. Everyone I know thought that another girl would help us heal.

But God knew better.

He gave us a Boy.

While in my heart I'll never understand why God took Maddie back home. I'll also never understand why he chose not to give us another girl, but I do know this...

I will love and cherish this new little boy with my whole heart. I will pour every ounce of my heart into him. I will teach him all about his blessing of a sister who paved the way for him to be here.

I will raise him for the Lord and teach him God's word. I will tell him how we should never lose our faith and never give up hope.

God is good.

Always.

God is good.



Introducing....

Jonah Asher Ross

 Jonah means "Dove" (We wanted a bird meaning :)

 Asher means "Happy or Blessed" =)

He was sent to us while our hearts were broken. He has been sent to give us hope.

Jonah is our hope.

Hope is not a gender.

Thank you for listening to my heart today. I realize this is raw and real. These words are truly my heart on paper. Rick and I are still healing. We are still aching for our little girl who left too soon, but we are beyond thrilled that God has given us the opportunity to be parents again. We DO NOT take it lightly.

Thank you Lord, and thank you friends for continuing to be here...

We love you all.

So once again, on a little bit of a different note... those 3 little words....

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!! =)

My favorite picture of them all! I'm so in love with this little boy already! <3

I'm sure you will fall in love with him too.

Much Love,

Natalie <3