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January 8, 2017

Dear Maddie Grace... 6 Years

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Dear Maddie Grace,

Hi sweet girl. <3 Happy Birthday!!!

6 years.

It really doesn't seem possible, and I've missed you every single one of those days, since you left us to be with Jesus.

Home. You are home.

Oh how we ache to be home with you. And one day we will.

I felt stronger than I have ever been this year. God has provided so much healing. When I think of you, I smile way more than I cry. Your reminders seem to always be around me. I feel almost like you're cheering me on. It's the best feeling ever. I pray I'm making you proud. You sure make me proud. I love you deeply.

So, this year you would have started Kindergarten. It's hard to believe... I had a lump in my throat the first day of school but I did ok. Eli's sweet teacher and our dear friend Whitney gave us the sweetest backpack with a birdie on it in your honor.
I loved seeing your little honorary backpack with the boys. It gave me comfort and peace. And in my heart I pictured you there, smiling in the first day picture, right there in the middle of them. Oh how they loved you too. But as they headed off to their first day, I went inside to the sweetest little rainbows and hugged them, thanking God for providing me with so much hope and His mercy.

Jonah Asher and Emme Mercy have given me so much purpose, SO much love and so much peace that Gods ways are perfect. Please thank the Lord for sending them to help heal my aching arms.

Friday on your birthday they giggled as they gobbled up some "Maddie-cakes" for you and looked for Maddie birds. They talk about you all the time. You are such a part of our days. I don't think one day goes by that someone doesn't say your name. You are always with us. Always sweet girl.

Your Maddie tree bloomed this year at the farm. It was SO beautiful! I took the most precious picture of Emmaline next to it in a darling little dress. The dress had little bluebirds and precious pink dogwood blooms on it. I'll always cherish that photograph.
 I love finding ways to photograph you girls together. It helps my heart to feel whole.

While visiting Disney this year on our summer vacation, we were able to take Emmaline onto the new frozen ride. She LOVES Elsa and Anna... sweet sisters.
I giggled wondering if you would've had a favorite and would've argued about who got to be who... It would be so neat to see the two of you together. :) I often wonder if you would you look at all alike? Would you be silly and sassy just like Emmaline? She's so much fun!  Based on you being so wild during my pregnancy and the fact that you were so wide awake the two days we had you, I'm thinking you two would be alot alike.. Although, she looks like me and you my love looked JUST like your Daddy. I still cry when I think just how much you favored him. You were his mini. So so sweet.

I thought of you in front of the castle and many times throughout our week at Disney.

Especially when the castle lit up pink!
Oh how I feel at home with you there.

I saw little girls around your age dressed up as their favortie princess' and I pictured you in Heaven in your castle in the sky twirling in your beautiful dress. I have always pictured you twirling.. I'm not sure why. But whenever your little sister twirls, its like a wave of emotion comes over me.
My sweet girls.
I love you both so much. Oh how I miss you.

To think you never knew pain, or sadness or sickness, it brings me peace.

Only love, you felt... only love, and then you were off to see the one who created it. What a thought!

Sometimes I close my eyes and think back to the moment I first saw you, to our perfect day in the hospital, to bringing you home, hearing your daddy singing softly to you the most beautiful hymns... so many dreams. I had so many dreams for you. But God knew best. And now you are with the best and I'm SO thankful for that.

A few weeks ago your little brother Jonah (and your irish twin) turned 5. It was excititng! Every birthday Jonah has I can't help but find myself emotional with joy that God sent him to help us heal and to give us hope.. and he truly has. He is our little dove, our birdie boy, our Jonah bear and our Peter Pan.  We celebrated with the biggest Neverland birthday party you can imagine. It was so fun. There are not many days you will find Jonah wothout a Peter Pan or Captain Hook costume on. I love his little imagination, his hugs and his smile. He truly is a blessing! I can still see you in his face when he sleeps. You two will always have a special bond.

Emmaline is growing so quickly. She's 2 1/2 now and she's now sleeping in her big girl bed. It was sad taking down the last baby crib. We've had a crib up for the last 11 years. But it was time and I'm excitied about this next stage of life. We got Emmaline a cinderella carriage bed and she loves it! She is so sweet and so girly. She loves babydolls and princess', teaparties and playing makeup and hair with Mommy. She's teaching me so many things about raising a daughter. But there is not one thing that we do together that I do not mention or think of you.

 You will always be my #1 girl, Madeline. I love you so much! One day I dream of seeing my two girls together, and I cannot wait for that day.

For your birthday we celebrated with baloons and cupcakes and we sang to you. We bought you some new flowers for your spot and all of your siblings brought a little Maddie bird to you. The snowstorm that the Lord sent was absolutely beautiful and the soft pink sunset couldn't have been more perfect.. like little hugs and kisses from you. As I went to bed my heart seemed much lighter than in years past.. because I just know.

I know this was God's will. I see it so clearly.. I see how you were meant to be used in so many other ways than living here with us. And you have. You are still touching lives.

Your story is still being told. It's really amazing Maddie!

You my little love, have been such a life changer! Although I can't raise you like my other children, you still make me so proud! Every day. Your ministry is pointing others to HIM!

Thank you Madeline for teaching me so much.

Mostly for helping me be brave and for helping me to fully and completely trust God.

Because in return, so much beauty has been born...

And my hearts desire for my life is to still help lead others to Christ through your ministry.(Maddie's Ministry.)

Your story truly shows Gods grace, love and mercy. And though I miss you dearly, I'm so honored that God chose you (my daughter) to be used in such a great way!

Happy 6th Birthday sweet Maddie Grace!

I'm one year closer to being with you forever!!

Much love,
Mommy

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