Little shoes....

Over the weekend we had a Family Fall/Christmas photo shoot and I can't wait to share all of our fabulous pictures with you. While I'm waiting on the rest of them, I wanted to give a little sneak peak of one of my favorites...

Doesn't that just bring tears to your eyes? I love it.

I told our photographer that I wanted to include Madeline in our photo shoot by placing her little pink shoes in some of our photos. These were the same little shoes that I used in my maternity shoot with her last fall. And the same pair that have come on 2 vacations with us now. It may seem silly, but I feel like photographing them lets a part of  her be there with us physically as well as in our hearts. They add the perfect touch of Maddie's femininity to our otherwise masculine brood. I love how she's there with us. <3

Thank you to Leah Sandlin at Precious Photography for capturing yet another amazing moment between our family. We can't thank you enough. Our hearts ache and miss our sweet little girl, yet you find a way to help us heal through your beautiful photography. We will be forever grateful for these photos...

So as I thought about these little shoes, I was reminded of something.

A few weeks ago, my Husband was out of town and I was spending some time chatting with my sweet Mother in Law, Vicky. We were talking about the boys and she mentioned Maddie's name. I always love when people talk about her. It makes me smile when they bring her up in conversation. It helps me feel like she isn't forgotten. <3

As our conversation continued, somehow Maddie's shoes got brought up. My mother in law told me something so special from when Rick was a baby.

Now I know I have mentioned how she would pray by his bed every night for him and with him about God sending him a Godly wife, (no pressure there, right? :) well she told me something else she used to pray for....

Where his little feet would take him.

 She told me she would get out his little shoes and pray that God would bless his little feet and take him in the direction that He wanted him to go. So that way he would serve Him and be obedient to Him in all things.

I can just picture her kneeling over his little tiny pair of baby shoes as she asked God to bless his little steps... So, so precious.

Oh how much I can learn from her. What a testimony of a Godly mother.

So often, I find myself griping and complaining about the boys leaving their little shoes all around the house. They track in dirt and mud and make so many little messes that I'm constantly having to clean up.

Being the perfectionist with my house that I am, I get frustrated. Mess after mess. Pair of shoes after pair that I pick up, I sometimes complain.

But how sad.

One day there will not be little shoes laying around.

One day there will not be messes to clean up.

One day they will be grown and I will miss all those little things.

Their shoes will be big. They won't need help tying them up anymore. They will be set in there ways and walking a path of their own.

Oh the conviction that fell on my heart.

I need to be constantly praying over these little shoes. I need to be asking God to direct those little steps.

Proverbs 2:20
That thou mayest walk in the way of good men, and keep the paths of the righteous.

I need to be praying continuously that God will guide them in the paths of righteousness.

Proberbs 3:6
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

My precious boys are growing up a little more each day, and one day they will be off on their own, making an imprint of their own in this big world. I'm praying faithfully that God will use them in a great way.

The Lord has surely answered My sweet Mother in Law's prayer as I watch my Husband serving the Lord day in and day out. I feel so blessed and honored to be a part of that.

Maddie Grace may not be here any longer to fill her shoes, but she has most definitely made and imprint in this world. My hope and prayer is that my three little boys will do the same.

 I planned on her little feet taking her to do so many more things than she did, but I was thankful for those little precious feet I felt kicking inside me all those months. I was so blessed to get to see them kicking while I tried to change her and dress her for those 2 short days. Oh how I loved her little feet.

My sweet baby girl, how much you have done in the short time you were here. Those little feet have made an imprint on so many hearts and we are so grateful to have had you for as long as we did. <3

Maddie Grace, you may not need shoes anymore, but I will continue to carry yours with me. And I will continue to pray over your brothers little shoes as they have quite a road ahead of them. May you send down love with every step that we take, knowing that it brings us closer to our Heavenly Father and you... :)

To be held...

Sometimes in life we just want to be held...

We want someone to comfort us, cry with us, tell us everything is going to be okay.

Last week, I had a week like that.

I was broken.

We had 2 precious Saints from our Church pass away and all of our hearts are just so sad. On Thursday, Rick and I attended one of these funerals and it was so very hard on us both emotionally and physically.

We went to the very same funeral home that we had to plan Maddie Grace's funeral. And though her funeral was held at our Church, that was where Rick had to go to make all the preparations and pick out our her casket.

Something no parent should ever have to do.

So as we dressed and prepared to go and be there for the family of this precious loved one, and for our Church, both of us were struggling.

So many emotions. So many memories. So much heartache.

The service was beautiful. Rick and Annette sang one of sweet "Ms. Eva's" favorite songs and I'm pretty sure there was not a dry eye in the building. Then my precious Pastor/Father in Law went on to give such a wonderful and encouraging message.

He mentioned in the message how Ms. Eva walked into the arms of Jesus along with loved ones and all the others who have gone on before her. He even mentioned my sweet Madeline's name. How Ms. Eva was with my Maddie. It choked me up so much. Oh how sweet of a thought that was, but oh how much I was missing her.

It was in that moment I just wanted someone to hold me. Tell me it would be okay. Tell me they missed her too.

And it was in that very moment, my sweet sister in law, Annette reached over and started rubbing my back. She knew how broken I was inside. She knew how much I was hurting. It meant the world to me. She didn't have to say anything. That touch was enough comfort to get me through. I just started praying that God would give me strength and grace. My heart was so sad. Annette later told me how much she wished she could take some of my pain away and make the hurt a little less. Just by saying that, she did. It's amazing how much people's words can mean to your grieving heart. It means the world.

After the service, I met up again with Rick and we made our way into the funeral procession line. Yet another thing that I was struggling with. And the thought of going to the cemetery broke my heart again. But we went. I decided to stay in the Escalade with the boys while Rick went to the graveside. He was a Paw Bearer and I knew this had to be hard on him but He would do anything for anyone. He's the best.

While I waited the boys were quietly watching a DVD in the back seat so I turned up the music and was just looking around the cemetery.

So many lives. So many families. So sad.

It means so much more to me now that I see a grave. It's very real and personal to me now and completely heartbreaking.

I looked to my left and noticed something. It was the baby section of the cemetery. Just like the one Maddie's grave is in. There were angels and little statues of boys and girls. All the dates were very short and very sad to me. It broke my heart. I was feeling so defeated and that life can be so unfair.

I just wanted Rick to come back to the car and hold me, let me cry on his shoulder for a good while.

All day he kept asking me "How are you doing" "Are you okay?" and I kept replying the same word "Yes."

But the truth was, I wasn't okay. I was a mess. I was missing my heart and soul;  my Madeline Grace.

Just then, a song came on the radio. I listened to the words in tears.

I listened as the song talked about a mother who had lost a child that was 2 months old. The words cut deep into my soul. I knew. I was all too familiar with that pain. That ache in your arms that never goes away. That desire to have your baby back even if just for a moment.

Then I heard the chorus.

"This is what it means to be held.
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive...

This is what it is,  to be loved and to know.
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held"...

I looked over to my left again. God was holding me. And I started praying that God was holding each of those parents that were struggling through missing those little ones too.

He was.

He was holding me.

Once again when all hoped seemed lost.

In those moment when all I wanted was to hold my daughter again, just one more time.

He was holding me. He's always been holding me.

The next part of the verse really struck me. It said.

"If hope if born of suffering...
If this is only the beginning...
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive..."

When I heard the word hope. I just knew.
God had his arms down around me in that very moment. He always shows up right when I need him. I'm so thankful He's always there.

And to be honest, I have been suffering. I have been enduring a heartache that is unexplainable.

But, how can I not look forward.

My hope is coming.

Jonah is coming.

I'm gonna just keep looking up. Watching for my Savior.
For it is in those moments that I need him the most.

He' there...   Holding my hand...  Holding me up...

This is what it means to be held.

Thank you, Lord for continuing to hold me, everyday. Thank you for continuing to give me hope again. <3



If you have never heard this song, please listen.

Enjoy!

http://youtu.be/i-hJ87ApWtw

Thank you also to all of you for always saying her name and reminding me how much she meant to you. You can't know what it means to me. You are helping to hold me too. Thank you.

Psalm 94:18 When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up.

Falling into place...

"Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree."

Emily Bronte

Fall is here and with it is my happiness.

I just LOVE this time of the year. I love the colors of the changing trees and watching the shadows outside my window as the leaves fall to the ground. I love rainy fall days and cuddling inside with my little loves.

I love the smell of the fresh crisp air and the wood and leaves burning. And all of my delicious smelling candles and fall room sprays.

The tastes of apples, pumpkin treats, cold cider and warm coffee bring a smile to my face as we make many precious memories as a family.

The hot summer heat fades away and we wake to chilly beautiful days full of color and sunshine.

It's absolutely my favorite time of the year...

Ahhh. Fall. How I love you.

I mentioned in my last post about how similar this fall feels in comparison to this same time last year. And while, things have certainly changed, we are still so happy. So in love.

Just this morning, I booked the boys fall/winter photo shoot. I went out last week and purchased their little outfits to wear and I'm so excited to see how adorable they look in their pictures. After thinking about what I wanted for their pictures, I decided to look back at some photo's that our photographer, Leah Sandlin of Precious Photography took last year. They made me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy that my boys have grown and we've enjoyed them another year. But sad Maddie is no longer (physically) with us. She was with us in these pictures. I will always cherish that. Here are some of the moments she captured. <3

So can you see why I'm so excited to have her shoot our family again? So many memories.

I often think how glad I am to have these pictures. Even though I wasn't looking so great and was feeling HUGE, I have those pictures of our family of 5. Maddie Grace is there with us. Enjoying life. Her brother's were showing so much love to her already and I can only imagine if she were here, how many kisses Noah and Elijah would be giving her on a daily basis. There is no doubt about it, She was so loved.

So now this fall, as we resume our fall activities and go on trying to enjoy life without her here with us but in Heaven.

I'm realizing.

Everything is falling into place.

The boys are happy and healthy. Jonah is just over 2 months away from joining this family. Rick and I are in the best place we've ever been and Madeline is enjoying the Lord in Heaven and all of it's splendor.

How can I be sad about that?

She is where we all want to be. No pain. No sorrow. No suffering. Just spending eternity with our Lord who gave so much for us.

So this fall, as I still miss her and wish so much she could be here. I know that God's plan is coming to be. We seem to be finding our stride in this life again on how to move forward, knowing she is still with us, everyday.

The boys have decided to be a Knight and Dragon for Halloween. And of course in my mind, immediately I thought that Madeline would have made the perfect princess. And she would have. But, she will be with us that day as they run around like wild animals collecting their candy. She is with us. Always with us. In the words of a friend "She is just running a little ahead." I can't leave her behind ever.

Thank you Lord and Maddie Grace for helping our lives fall back into place. We need you more than ever to give us strength to get through our days. On the beautiful ones and especially on the sad rainy ones. For those are the days I miss her the most.

So as October has now come and we are enjoying life here amidst the beauty of Autumn. I'm thankful. Thankful and blessed to have so much love in my life. Always thinking of you Maddie. Always.

Here are just a few pics of the fall fun we are having. So far. =)

 I bought these last year while expecting Madeline. I'm so glad that I still have them to always remember.

Enjoying some fun at a fall festival.

Eli bear

Feeding the animals

Posing by a really cool car!

Brotherly Love

Pure silliness

Happy Camper =)

The shirt says it all

Having fun while Bubby was at school.

We found the cutest pumpkin patch. I can't wait to take both boys back!

Checking out all the pumpkins

At 3 3/4 he's measuring up to 3 1/2 feet! So cute!

Love this little boy <3

My guys by our new vehicle

The loves of my life <3

I hope all of you are enjoying this time of the year as much as we are. I can't help but see the beauty of the Lord in this season. His presence is all around as if He took a paintbrush to this beautiful canvas He created. I know He has a plan. I'm eager to see where it takes us. I've learned just how much can change in a year but I'm thankful to know He is in control. And just like those beautiful leaves falling outside and this changing season, God has a perfect plan and time in our lives as well. I'm thankful that He is allowing things to fall perfectly into place in His time and His will.

God Bless!

Love, Natalie

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

 ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
 ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;