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October 11, 2011

To be held...

Sometimes in life we just want to be held...

We want someone to comfort us, cry with us, tell us everything is going to be okay.

Last week, I had a week like that.

I was broken.

We had 2 precious Saints from our Church pass away and all of our hearts are just so sad. On Thursday, Rick and I attended one of these funerals and it was so very hard on us both emotionally and physically.

We went to the very same funeral home that we had to plan Maddie Grace's funeral. And though her funeral was held at our Church, that was where Rick had to go to make all the preparations and pick out our her casket.

Something no parent should ever have to do.

So as we dressed and prepared to go and be there for the family of this precious loved one, and for our Church, both of us were struggling.

So many emotions. So many memories. So much heartache.

The service was beautiful. Rick and Annette sang one of sweet "Ms. Eva's" favorite songs and I'm pretty sure there was not a dry eye in the building. Then my precious Pastor/Father in Law went on to give such a wonderful and encouraging message.

He mentioned in the message how Ms. Eva walked into the arms of Jesus along with loved ones and all the others who have gone on before her. He even mentioned my sweet Madeline's name. How Ms. Eva was with my Maddie. It choked me up so much. Oh how sweet of a thought that was, but oh how much I was missing her.

It was in that moment I just wanted someone to hold me. Tell me it would be okay. Tell me they missed her too.

And it was in that very moment, my sweet sister in law, Annette reached over and started rubbing my back. She knew how broken I was inside. She knew how much I was hurting. It meant the world to me. She didn't have to say anything. That touch was enough comfort to get me through. I just started praying that God would give me strength and grace. My heart was so sad. Annette later told me how much she wished she could take some of my pain away and make the hurt a little less. Just by saying that, she did. It's amazing how much people's words can mean to your grieving heart. It means the world.

After the service, I met up again with Rick and we made our way into the funeral procession line. Yet another thing that I was struggling with. And the thought of going to the cemetery broke my heart again. But we went. I decided to stay in the Escalade with the boys while Rick went to the graveside. He was a Paw Bearer and I knew this had to be hard on him but He would do anything for anyone. He's the best.

While I waited the boys were quietly watching a DVD in the back seat so I turned up the music and was just looking around the cemetery.

So many lives. So many families. So sad.

It means so much more to me now that I see a grave. It's very real and personal to me now and completely heartbreaking.

I looked to my left and noticed something. It was the baby section of the cemetery. Just like the one Maddie's grave is in. There were angels and little statues of boys and girls. All the dates were very short and very sad to me. It broke my heart. I was feeling so defeated and that life can be so unfair.

I just wanted Rick to come back to the car and hold me, let me cry on his shoulder for a good while.

All day he kept asking me "How are you doing" "Are you okay?" and I kept replying the same word "Yes."

But the truth was, I wasn't okay. I was a mess. I was missing my heart and soul;  my Madeline Grace.

Just then, a song came on the radio. I listened to the words in tears.

I listened as the song talked about a mother who had lost a child that was 2 months old. The words cut deep into my soul. I knew. I was all too familiar with that pain. That ache in your arms that never goes away. That desire to have your baby back even if just for a moment.

Then I heard the chorus.

"This is what it means to be held.
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life,
And you survive...

This is what it is,  to be loved and to know.
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held"...

I looked over to my left again. God was holding me. And I started praying that God was holding each of those parents that were struggling through missing those little ones too.

He was.

He was holding me.

Once again when all hoped seemed lost.

In those moment when all I wanted was to hold my daughter again, just one more time.

He was holding me. He's always been holding me.

The next part of the verse really struck me. It said.

"If hope if born of suffering...
If this is only the beginning...
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive..."

When I heard the word hope. I just knew.
God had his arms down around me in that very moment. He always shows up right when I need him. I'm so thankful He's always there.

And to be honest, I have been suffering. I have been enduring a heartache that is unexplainable.

But, how can I not look forward.

My hope is coming.

Jonah is coming.

I'm gonna just keep looking up. Watching for my Savior.
For it is in those moments that I need him the most.

He' there...   Holding my hand...  Holding me up...

This is what it means to be held.

Thank you, Lord for continuing to hold me, everyday. Thank you for continuing to give me hope again. <3

If you have never heard this song, please listen.


Thank you also to all of you for always saying her name and reminding me how much she meant to you. You can't know what it means to me. You are helping to hold me too. Thank you.

Psalm 94:18 When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD, held me up.


  1. Love this! Thanks for sharing! I still need holding too as I miss and ache for my Dyllon! I pray for you as you hurt for your Maddie! I also pray at the cemetery for the other aching hearts represented by each little gravestone and for every new site I see being prepared.

  2. Praying for you always! Thanks for the post. Again, it put tears in my eyes. God is watching and listening.
    Much Love,
    Angel King

  3. I sobbed as i read your blog. I'm not LDS, but a friend of mine is. He shared this "talk" about "Tender Mercies of the Lord" with me, that I want to share with you. Basically throughout my life and struggles music played a big role, one little lyric would stand out and be relevant to whatever I was dealing with. I felt like it was God telling me it would be alright or what to do. Praying for you always...