Falling into place...

"Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree."

Emily Bronte

Fall is here and with it is my happiness.

I just LOVE this time of the year. I love the colors of the changing trees and watching the shadows outside my window as the leaves fall to the ground. I love rainy fall days and cuddling inside with my little loves.

I love the smell of the fresh crisp air and the wood and leaves burning. And all of my delicious smelling candles and fall room sprays.

The tastes of apples, pumpkin treats, cold cider and warm coffee bring a smile to my face as we make many precious memories as a family.

The hot summer heat fades away and we wake to chilly beautiful days full of color and sunshine.

It's absolutely my favorite time of the year...

Ahhh. Fall. How I love you.

I mentioned in my last post about how similar this fall feels in comparison to this same time last year. And while, things have certainly changed, we are still so happy. So in love.

Just this morning, I booked the boys fall/winter photo shoot. I went out last week and purchased their little outfits to wear and I'm so excited to see how adorable they look in their pictures. After thinking about what I wanted for their pictures, I decided to look back at some photo's that our photographer, Leah Sandlin of Precious Photography took last year. They made me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy that my boys have grown and we've enjoyed them another year. But sad Maddie is no longer (physically) with us. She was with us in these pictures. I will always cherish that. Here are some of the moments she captured. <3

So can you see why I'm so excited to have her shoot our family again? So many memories.

I often think how glad I am to have these pictures. Even though I wasn't looking so great and was feeling HUGE, I have those pictures of our family of 5. Maddie Grace is there with us. Enjoying life. Her brother's were showing so much love to her already and I can only imagine if she were here, how many kisses Noah and Elijah would be giving her on a daily basis. There is no doubt about it, She was so loved.

So now this fall, as we resume our fall activities and go on trying to enjoy life without her here with us but in Heaven.

I'm realizing.

Everything is falling into place.

The boys are happy and healthy. Jonah is just over 2 months away from joining this family. Rick and I are in the best place we've ever been and Madeline is enjoying the Lord in Heaven and all of it's splendor.

How can I be sad about that?

She is where we all want to be. No pain. No sorrow. No suffering. Just spending eternity with our Lord who gave so much for us.

So this fall, as I still miss her and wish so much she could be here. I know that God's plan is coming to be. We seem to be finding our stride in this life again on how to move forward, knowing she is still with us, everyday.

The boys have decided to be a Knight and Dragon for Halloween. And of course in my mind, immediately I thought that Madeline would have made the perfect princess. And she would have. But, she will be with us that day as they run around like wild animals collecting their candy. She is with us. Always with us. In the words of a friend "She is just running a little ahead." I can't leave her behind ever.

Thank you Lord and Maddie Grace for helping our lives fall back into place. We need you more than ever to give us strength to get through our days. On the beautiful ones and especially on the sad rainy ones. For those are the days I miss her the most.

So as October has now come and we are enjoying life here amidst the beauty of Autumn. I'm thankful. Thankful and blessed to have so much love in my life. Always thinking of you Maddie. Always.

Here are just a few pics of the fall fun we are having. So far. =)

 I bought these last year while expecting Madeline. I'm so glad that I still have them to always remember.

Enjoying some fun at a fall festival.

Eli bear

Feeding the animals

Posing by a really cool car!

Brotherly Love

Pure silliness

Happy Camper =)

The shirt says it all

Having fun while Bubby was at school.

We found the cutest pumpkin patch. I can't wait to take both boys back!

Checking out all the pumpkins

At 3 3/4 he's measuring up to 3 1/2 feet! So cute!

Love this little boy <3

My guys by our new vehicle

The loves of my life <3

I hope all of you are enjoying this time of the year as much as we are. I can't help but see the beauty of the Lord in this season. His presence is all around as if He took a paintbrush to this beautiful canvas He created. I know He has a plan. I'm eager to see where it takes us. I've learned just how much can change in a year but I'm thankful to know He is in control. And just like those beautiful leaves falling outside and this changing season, God has a perfect plan and time in our lives as well. I'm thankful that He is allowing things to fall perfectly into place in His time and His will.

God Bless!

Love, Natalie

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

 ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
 ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;



She made a way...

I've been struggling getting on here the past couple of days with something to say. I have a lot on my heart and mind but I can't seem to put it into words. Or at least words that will make sense to read.

You see, this time last year, I was busy planning for Madeline's arrival. I knew she was a girl. I was planning her nursery, buying her a  pink wardrobe and doing everything girlie that I ever dreamed of.

Rick was so happy, the boys were thrilled to be getting a sister, and I, well I felt like my life and world couldn't be more perfect.

Now, a year later. Life is pretty similar. We are planning for a baby, decorating a nursery and we can't wait until this little one arrives, except; this time we are doing it with a broken heart.

Broken hearts. Broken plans. Broken dreams.

We are back to blue. Back to a boy. Back to what we never thought would be in our lives again.

Blessed still? Absolutely.

Little Jonah Asher is giving me hope again. He is giving me something to look so forward to when my days seem so dark. He is my little light at the end of the tunnel. Him, and my other three boys.

Some days when I think I won't be able to go forward, I do it for him. I do it for Noah, Elijah, Jonah and Rick.

When my day starts to fall apart and the tears well up in my eyes for my little girl gone too soon, I do it for them. God grants me the strength to go on and I do.

This time of the year is so strangely similar to this time last year. The excitement is still the same. The joy is still present.

But, in my heart, part of me is missing. Maddie Grace is and will always be missing.

As we have gone to birthday parties and festivals the past couple of weeks, I can't help but think how she is not there, celebrating life with us. Every day that passes, moves me farther from her birth and closer to her 1st birthday. We are getting closer and closer to a year without her. And still have a lifetime to go. That overwhelms me.

Rick and I bought her the most precious bench for her grave site and took it over this past weekend. I hadn't planned on going back for a while because I did so bad this past time, but Rick held my hand through the whole thing.

Then bench had these words engraved on it...

A heart of gold stopped beating,
Two shining eyes at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove,
He only takes the best.

I imagine that was a sight. The two of us bent over the grave of the little girl we wanted so much. It's heartbreaking even to imagine. It still doesn't seem real, almost 9 months later. But, the reality is, this is our life. She is gone. She has touched so many lives, and hearts, but she is in Heaven with our Lord.

The rest of that poem goes like this...

God knows you had to leave me,
But you did not go alone.
For part of me went with you
The day He took you home.

We left the cemetery that evening broken hearted but with comfort from the Lord. He is still good. Even when our hearts and minds don't understand. He is still good. And I'm thankful for that.

I have had so many people still messaging me to tell me how much Madeline has touched their lives. I'm thankful for that. Time and life is moving on and I hate that it's without her.

There is nothing more comforting to me than when people mention her name. She was amazing.

So, as I move forward and am in such a familiar place as I was this time last year. I just try to remember.

She made a way.

She made a way for mine and Rick's relationship to grow together with each other, our boys and the Lord.

She made a way for families to pull together in the midst of one of the worst tragedies a family can know.

And... She made a way for her sweet little brother, Jonah Asher to be on his way to helping this family heal.

I know everyday that I look into his sweet eyes, I will see her, and I will remember that she made a way for him to be here with us. Everyday.

You are missed so much sweet Madeline Grace. And you always will be. <3

Looking through my rear view mirror

There are days when looking back is hard on me.

Back to the day my life changed forever. Back to the day that my perfect world was turned upside down.

I've tried my absolute hardest not to look back but forward. For when I start looking back it makes me lose sight of where I'm going. What lies ahead. I get down and discouraged about where I've been.

But on a particular day last week, my Husband reminded me that sometimes "looking back" reminds us of where we've been and why we are going where we are.

My husband was taking our oldest son to school for me while we had our other vehicle being worked on. I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Rick that morning but I did notice he updated his facebook status (which is rare) later that day.

His status said this... "Took my boy to school this morning, couldn't take my eyes off him. Where has time gone? He's a little man now. He makes his daddy so proud. I love you Noah...I pray you always remain a daddy's boy. Don't grow up to fast."

I know exactly what he means. So many mornings. So many afternoons. I turn my rear view mirror to the backseat and I just "watch" my boys. I watch them talk to each other. I watch the expressions on their faces. I watch them giggle and play. I just watch them on the ride home or to wherever we are going.

I called Rick (with tears in my eyes) and I told him I do the same thing.

Yes, many mornings we are rushing out the door and I'm looking for shoes and coats, a book bag and a lunchbox.

But on some mornings, when I actually do have it all together (lol) I find myself doing exactly what Rick did that day.

Just watching.

Keeping my eyes on my little boy who is growing up too quickly and remembering how blessed I am to have him in my life.

And that is a very good reason to look back.

For it is the moments that we do look back to see what we have been given, that we realize what we have. Good or bad. It makes us who we are. God brings us to where we are. And it reminds us of where we are going.

I can look back in pain. Yes. But I can also look back in love.

For my daughter is in Heaven and I will never be able to look at her through my rear view mirror. But my sons, they are alive and well. They are growing and molding into the men that God wants them to be. They are growing up a little more each day, and one day they will be grown.

So for now, Rick and I will keep our eyes on them. We won't take our eyes off of them.

God has blessed us with these children and we have such a job to do with them.

They remind us of Who and what we live for.

I'm so thankful that on that crisp fall morning, Rick reminded me of what a blessing we tow around on a daily basis.

What little miracles appear in our rear view mirror. We ARE blessed.

I'm pushing forward everyday, remembering these things. God is good.

Phillipian 3:13-14
¹³Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
 ¹⁴I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.