Spring is here and the world is waking up with an abundance of new life.
I love the smell from my front porch of beautiful daffodils, tulips and flowering trees. The grass is greening up and the birds all seem to have a song to sing.
It is a beautiful time of year, but I feel like with this changing season is yet another change of emotion in my heart. Sadness is seeming to creep back in along with the warm weather and beautiful sunshine.
Another spring. Another season. Another reminder of time moving forward without my sweet girl.
Maybe it's the beautiful birdies singing to me every morning when I wake up. Or Maddie's tree that I watch daily in hopes it will bloom. It may be all the beautiful little dresses everywhere that remind me just how much I miss my Maddie Grace.
Easter last year was so hard for me. I wasn't quite expecting Jonah yet and I was just two months from saying goodbye to my sweet beautiful girl.
Everything still reminded me of her.
I was just telling Rick last week how good I was doing and really healing and them, bam! It hit me all over again. The grief roller coaster took me for yet another ride.
I sat there and thought, what is it that makes this pain come on so quickly? I couldn't pinpoint it exactly, but in my pondering God laid something on my heart.
I was standing in Hobby Lobby this week looking for some things for my living room makeover, when all of the sudden I knocked a glass vase off the shelf and onto the floor. It cut my foot so badly. It took three people to help me clean my poor foot and the mess up. After I got washed and bandaged up, I was sort of favoring that foot as I walked. It was so sore.
As I wondered about the store (limping along) I just kept thinking to myself, why do silly things like this happen to me? I have pretty bad luck I guess. Or maybe I'm just clumsy.
I didn't need to get stitches but I wondered if this would leave a scar...
Then it hit me, scars....
What are scars?
They are simply a reminder that a wound is healing. The freshness of a cut has healed over, but yet there is a visible reminder that the cut was there and the pain still took place.
I then realized, healing is taking place in my life. I have more good days than bad. Yet I still see the scars from time to time.
That day, it was in the isles of Hobby Lobby that I remembered.
It was there, where I shopped for my daughters room. The place where I bought the tulle for the tutu I made her; the one she wore at one day old. It was there in that place that I bought the supplies for her hair bows; the ones I placed on her head the moment she was born.
She was my reminder. She brought to sight the scar in my life that is still very real.
I can cover my heart and say I'm okay, but the reality is, I still miss her very much.
My boys fill my arms and bring me so much happiness and fulfillment. They make my days everything I hope them to be. They bring joy and love on a daily basis. But at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow, my heart still hurts for her. The scar of Madeline Grace is still very real on my life. Especially this week.
I am happy. I am in love with my Husband and my boys and I am finding joy in so many of my days. But every now and then, my scars seems to resurface. It takes my breath away for a minute. It makes me take a step back and remember what I lost.
Yet in those moments, God reminds me of what I've gained too.
I've gained a heavy heart for others going through loss and grief.
I've gained the understanding of living in the moment to fullest of my ability.
I've gaineed learning to love my Husband and my children like there is no tomorrow.
I've gained learning to be a witness and a light to a world that is lost and doesn't know the Lord.
And then of course, I've gained my sweet rainbow of hope, Jonah Asher; who brings happiness to my heart and comfort to my hurting soul.
So at the end of the "hard" days, though they are farther apart and fewer in between now; I'm learning to just look at my scars in this life in a good light. Even though they may not seem or appear beautiful to some, they are to me, because it shows there is healing in my life.
Maddie has left a scar and a mark on my life forever. Some days I may not notice it as much, and other days it may be hard to even breathe, but either way; I'm thankful for this scar.
And, for healing.