Full of happiness.
Full of sadness.
And a little bit of everything in between.
This pregnancy has been so very challenging on me mentally, emotionally and physically. I am on that roller coaster of emotions ride, and I feel like here lately it's just been speeding up.
Closer to the arrival of Jonah. Closer to happiness. Closer to the hope that I've carried the last 8 months.
But then there's that grace...
That grace God gives on the days that I miss her the most. The days when I just don't understand. The days when I just wish I could go back. Back to her being here in my arms and next to my heart instead of in it. Oh how I miss her.
It was last week that my precious little boy reminded me of this.
I still have grace, and I still have hope and they come from my faith.
They are both still very real in my life today and everyday. I just have to remember this.
Even on the days when all I want to do is cry and just be done with carrying this heavy burden. I want to be done with my hurting heart day in and day out. That's when God continues to show up, over and over again.
I recently sat down with my two little boys to read devotions. I was trying to decide where to turn, when Noah specifically asked me to read a certain passage of scripture... Romans chapter 5.
I asked him why, and he started quoting it to me... He knows it! =) I'm a proud mama.
I opened my Bible, and I said "sure" lets go over those verses.
God used my little boy that morning to help my heart feel better when it was aching so much.
The scriptures read...
Romans 51Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Well if that passage of scripture didn't explain exactly what I needed to hear, I don't know what would have. Now how did my little Noah know that I needed that on that particular morning? =) God used him.
One thing I've definitely tried to keep this past year is my "faith".
Faith in God. Faith in my family. Faith in love and finding happiness again.
My faith hasn't wavered. It never will. But there sure are days I still feel broken.
Yet my faith is continuing to give me peace with God. I'm so thankful for that peace. It's the only thing that keeps me still. Peace.
But not only does this faith do it for me. It is my faith that gives me this grace. The grace of God (and this IS where I stand) where I can rejoice in the hope and the glory of God. I love that!
I am rejoicing in his grace and rejoicing in his hope. What else can I do? God gave me grace with Maddie and continues to, yet is providing me hope again with Jonah on the way.
What do people do without hope? It sustains me.
Then I read how my tribulations worketh experience.... well I sure feel like I've learned a lot through this all. And this experience has definitely taught me patience, which once again has lead me to hope.
This is where the love of God is shown abroad. Through having hope.
Some days I truly do not know what I would do without faith, grace and hope.
Such weight in those little words. Such depth.
They are what carries me. On the days when I can't carry myself, God shines these into my life so I can go on. Day in and day out. Week after week...
There were some tears shed that morning as I read to my little boys. All three of them. =)
God knew just what I needed. He always does.
So tonight, as I write and ponder these wonderful verses again, I am reminded from the precious Word of God, that my faith is giving me grace and my grace has given me hope.
And for that, I am very thankful. <3