I think by now everyone knows just how much those little birdie's mean to me and remind me of my sweet Maddie Grace. It seems like I see more and more bird things throughout the day and I love to hear those sweet birdies sing and fly through the sky. I find myself just day dreaming about my little birdie girl.
It's been 5 months since she went to Heaven but I still can feel her. I can still see her little face and her little expressions. I can still remember those beautiful eyes and lips and how she would smack them together when she was hungry. And Oh... that precious hair. I've never seen such beautiful hair on a baby. I just wish I could wash it and put a big huge hair bow in there...
I miss all those things.
Anytime I see another baby around the age she would be if she were still here, it's such a strange thing.
I had a baby. I saw her, I held her, but she isn't here. She isn't meeting those milestones like those babies I see. It's heartbreaking.
The other day, Rick and I were out at a house because we were buying the boat they had for sale. The seller's sister actually owned the house and she came out to talk with us while her brother was on the way to meet Rick. She looked about my age and she was. She was 28 as well.
I asked her if she had any children and she said that she had 3. All boys. Their ages were almost exactly the ages of my babies. 5, 3 and 4 months. I just kept thinking how lucky she was. I wondered if the baby was sleeping... Sitting in his high chair. Rolling around on the floor. So many thoughts ran through my head.
I have found happiness again. I'm finding it's easier to smile, and laugh again. I definitely feel the happiest I've felt than in the last 5 months, but in my heart there is always an ache. There is always a miss and a want for my little girl.
So, for those of you who are wondering, I'm doing good and I am getting on my feet again. But... I still miss Maddie just as much as I did and probably even a lot more. I just have to fill those moments of quiet sadness with something productive and happy. I'm staying busy with Rick and my boys. I'm staying busy with all my Church ministries. And, I'm trying to focus on the happiness ahead with sweet Baby "Hope".
It's funny because it seems like in those moments I'm missing her the most, God is still sending little blessings along my way to make me smile again...
The other day, I was sitting out side watching the boys swim and I noticed the sweetest little sparrow on the wire overhead. I watched it for a while as it sang and hoped across the wire. I noticed that it never flew away. It stayed there the entire time I was outside with the boys. It made me smile and feel like she was watching over us. She wasn't in her little swimsuit splashing with the boys like I had pictured, but I could feel her. She was with us.
Just in the last month, I've received so many sweet little "birdie blessings"...
I've receive a beautiful necklace with Maddie's name and a birdie charm from my friend Katrina.
I've received the sweetest card and Bible bookmark that says "Grow in Grace" from my friend Jami.
My mom got me the sweetest little yellow bird to go in my kitchen.
My sister in law got me a beautiful necklace with a flower that looks like the bloom off of Maddie's Dogwood tree.
My Mother in law got me a birdie wind charm and a bird that can go in Maddie's Memory Garden.
I've been given little notes from my Sunday school girls with pictures of birds with crowns on their heads. =)
And I'm sure there are more that I can't think of right now.
So many precious blessings to remember my girl over the last month.
This last Sunday was really special...
My friend Jessica who I've known for a long time, has been following our story since Maddie passed away. She came to Church this past Sunday with such a special blessing for me. She told me a little while back that God had laid something on her heart to make me and she wanted to give it to me.
She said that she had gone into a Fabric store a little while back and she was walking to go find what she needed and she saw this birdie fabric. She said immediately God brought me to mind and she knew that she had to make me this blanket.
I love it. Every time I use it now, I think of sweet Maddie Grace. My birdie girl.
Thank you Jessica and all of you who have given me things to remember. I will never forget of course, but it's nice to have pieces of Maddie all around giving me comfort and helping me to continue to keep her close.
What a blessing.
So many people have sent me this song and it really helps me. The words are powerful. Take a moment to listen.