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January 29, 2011

His eye is on the sparrow...

1/19/11

The sun was shining and the sky was bright blue on this particular day. Rick and I had decided not to make any plans and just see where the day would take us. We had 2 more days in Florida before we returned home. I wanted to enjoy them, I wasn't ready to go back home yet. To be honest, I didn't know if I ever would be... I was tired and we decided instead of purchasing more Disney day passes to just rest and enjoy the resort.

The weather had gotten up to 80 degrees and I was thrilled. I wanted to sit by the pool and enjoy some of that sun. So we packed up and headed out into the sunshine.

There is something about the sunshine that just makes it hard to be in a bad mood. I put Eli's floaties on him and sent him and Noah into the pool with Rick. I was watching them swim and laugh and giggle. It was like everything was perfect in their worlds. I watched Rick with them. How he played and threw them into the air. How he caught them as they came down the waterslide. They trusted him. He was their hero. I felt my mind wandering and I closed my eyes. I began thinking of Madeline...

The moment she was born. The way that she had her eyes wide open and was looking right at me. I was holding her and she felt so wonderful in my arms. Then my mind moved to our "perfect day" in the hospital. January the 7th. I was holding her and watching the snow fall down. I felt completely at ease and had not a care in the world. I was enjoying being a mom again to a perfect little baby girl. I loved that moment.

I began to cry as I thought of this. I think I take myself back to these brief moments so I can feel her again. Hold her again. Help fill the empty arms of mine that ache for her.

I then opened my eyes. And I asked the Lord again for strength. I wanted to cry out and bawl like a baby. My heart was in complete pieces.

I couldn't.

I couldn't because there were people all around. I couldn't because the boys were just a few feet from me. I just couldn't.

Then the Lord gave me something very, very special.

There had been music playing at the pool since we had arrived... We were staying at the Port Orleans, french quarter resort. All the music was a Louisiana style of music and there were no words, just music...

When I heard the song come on at first I thought, "Am I really hearing this?" I called out to Rick and said "Do you hear this?" He quieted the boys and he listened.

Then he smiled at me. He knew.

God had played that song just for me. For my little girl. For me to know that he was still with me...

And I knew He was.

I asked Him to kiss sweet Maddie Grace's cheeks and I sat back and listened.

"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely? And long for heaven and home.
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He.
His eye is on the Sparrow. And I know He watches me.

When ever I am tempted. When ever clouds arise.
When song gives place to sighing. When hope within me dies.
I draw the closer to Him. From care He sets me free.
His eye is on the sparrow. And I know he watches me.

His eye is on the sparrow. And I know he watches me..."



What a blessing. I cherished that moment. I felt like God was sitting right with me with His arms around me. The same arms that had been holding my little birdie since the moment she left mine....

Thank you Lord. <3

5 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter, Madeline Grace with us, and the many wonderful ways how God is comforting and helping you and your family through this time.
    My husband and I also attended TBC, my husband graduated from Crown in 2005. I remember Kelsie and Tim's Belle. I never saw a picture of her, but I think of her. Your Madeline Grace has touched my heart. I will remember her with Belle and my own 2005 baby as they are with our precious Lord in Heaven. God makes no mistakes. I'm so thankful He is speaking to your heart, beginning healing it so carefully and gently with the balm of these precious memories and His love and presence. We are praying for you and your dear family. With love in the Lord Jesus Christ, Suzanne and Shaun Allen.

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  2. singing the words, humming the melody and weeping with you.

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  3. Suzanne, thank you for reading. I'm so glad that both Belle and Maddie Grace have touched your heart. Thank you for praying.

    Tammy, thank you <3

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  4. You write so beautifully in such a time of pain...I guess here is another talent God gave to you that is helping you to work through your pain....I know it will help others work through their pain as well. God bless! -Beth

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  5. I just really am thankful that you are sharing these things with anyone that wants to read. I went to crown for a few years and I do remember you and your husband. I don't know that you would remember me because I can't say we ever talked. I really don't remember, but anyhow, your posts remind me of just how close our Lord is and how he knows our every need and will supply it. It's just Awesome if you think about it. This truly was God reaching down and puting His loving arms around you. I am praying for you and your family.

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