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January 27, 2011

Flying through the clouds...


The day after the funeral was tough. I didn't know what day it was or what time it was. I felt like my life had become a continuous running clock. No rest. No break.

Rick and I tried to keep our minds busy. We had decided that we were going to get away for a while. Even though I was still very much trying to recuperate from the delivery, I decided I had enough strength to go. I needed to go. Get away from it all.

All I knew is that I couldn't take any more of the house and our room and the memories. The ones we had. The ones that never would take place. I needed to go. I needed to get away with my boys and just breathe. So I could try not to cry so much and take a minute to laugh, to smile. It seemed so impossible to do but I didn't want my children to constantly see their Mommy crying. I didn't want to constantly hear them ask Why I was so sad.

So we went.

Rick had won an all expense paid vacation for the sales performance the previous year. We were planning to take the kids(all three of them) to Disney World this coming summer.

Rick's boss had mentioned maybe we could take the trip now and I am so very thankful for that. We headed out early that next morning. We planned to be gone for a week.


That next morning, well more like the middle of the night, we packed up and headed out. The boys were over the moon excited. I tried to be excited with them. They needed it!

We boarded the plane and headed to Florida. I got sepparated from them on the 2nd flight but I was just one seat ahead. I told Rick that this would give me an opportunity to read. My sweet sister in law had gone and picked up for me the book "I will carry you" by Angie Smith. I was so ready to read it. I knew Angie's story. I had been reading her blog for 2 years. I knew the story of their sweet daughter Audrey and had thought of this family and prayed for them many times. I remember thinking her faith and strength in the Lord was so amazing. I just knew I had to read her book. I couldn't put it down and I had almost the whole thing read before we got to Florida. Wow, what a story. What a life. What a family. I hoped for strength like hers.

I then put the book down. I remember looking over at the plane window and seeing the sun starting to come up. I remember it's warmth. I remember how bright it was. I closed my eyes and let it warm my face and I prayed. I asked God to kiss my sweet girl for me and give her my love. I'm so thankful for prayer. In that moment I felt so very close to Madeline. I remember feeling like she was there with me. We were flying though the clouds together. It was so amazing.

I didn't want to open my eyes. I was so close to my girl. I just sat there, eyes closed in peace. It was a special moment and I'm thankful for it.

I was then startled by pounding on the back of my seat. Don't worry people, it was my own kid. =) Elijah was getting restless and eager to get to Disney World.

I was thankful for that sweet moment with Maddie but I was reminded that I still had 2 children here on this earth who needed me. They needed their mom. I was ready. I prayed God would give me such strength in the week ahead if for no one else, definitely for them.

He did.

We landed and headed to our resort. It was so nice. I thought maybe we would get in and take a nap and start our Disney adventure the next day.


Our boys were eager to go. They wanted to see Disney World.

You see, my boys think Disney World is the Castle. It's quite funny actually. They think Disney World only consists of Magic Kingdom because that's where the castle is. The castle they had seen at the beginning of so many movies and on t.v. I tried to explain it, but they didn't really care. They just wanted to go. =) This was not their first trip either. This was Noah's 4th trip and Eli's 3rd and they are 5 and 3.

Okay, okay. Yes, we are spoilers. I know. =)

We loaded up on the bus and headed to Magic Kingdom. My sweet husband got me a wheelchair because he knew I was still weak and not recovered enough to walk around Disney World all day. I was glad.

I placed one boy on each knee and we headed in the park.

The moment the boys saw the castle, they screamed with excitement "Disney World!" How cute is that? We headed toward the castle and over to Fantasyland. Oh what fun. I watched my boys laugh and giggle and I saw their eyes light up in excitement. I was so glad we came. So glad.

Later that evening we headed over to the Crystal Palace for a character dinner. The boys would get to eat with the Characters! They were thrilled.

As we waited outside of the restaurant for them to call our names we had a perfect view of the castle. I couldn't help but think of Madeline. I couldn't help but think how my sweet princess was there just last summer in my tummy. I was about 8 weeks along.

One of the things that made me sad about this trip was that she wasn't coming with us. But seeing the castle reminded me that she had. She was right there. All 5 of us were, just 7 months ago.

Noah saw me staring over at the castle and he asked why I was crying. I began to tell him that I was missing Baby Maddie and that the castle reminded me of her because she was my princess.

I then told him that Baby Maddie was in a castle. "She is?" he replied. I told him that I thought her mansion in heaven probably looked a lot like that. I told him about how she was happy and living there in heaven. It was a sweet moment between us. I'm so glad he understands Heaven. We talked of Maddie for another moment and it had started getting dark. That's when it happened.

The entire castle lit up pink. PINK!

I smiled... I knew it was another little reminder from the Lord. And as I thought of her again I couldn't help but feel her sweetness with us. I held my little locket in my hand, I had kept it open that day.

Just like that moment in the clouds earlier that morning. I had another special moment with her. She was with me...

I had carried her around that park the summer before in my tummy, but this time she came with me in my heart. <3


  1. two mommies talking about Angie smith,thought you would like to read this

  2. Beautiful Nat!!! Praying for you...Love you!!

  3. We've never met but have several mutual friends. We have been been praying. Your Maddie was beautiful, we did'nt see her, but your words of her are so beautiful. Thank you for your courage and trust in the Lord, what a blessing. Love and prayers, Tim and Sarah Morrison, Nicholasville, KY.

  4. Natalie through your eyes we find the love of Jesus everyday and have faith that we will see our loved ones again through the resurrection. Love you

  5. I have enjoyed reading your blog and this was the best thing to do as you encounter life as it is without your beautiful Maddie Grace. Maddie Grace was a gift of love and from God. For we must live and then we die. She will be a part of your life always and keep those memories to hold you one day at time.