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January 4, 2016

Dear Maddie Grace… 5 Years

Hi Madeline,

It's Mommy.

I just had to write to you..

It's been so long since I entered in this blog address and pulled up this page.  To long.

But tonight, I knew I needed to. I needed to write.

So here I am.

It's been almost 5 years since I met you and then had to say goodbye.

With tears in my eyes and my fingers to this keyboard I'm here. I can feel you. I can feel healing.

So many times I came here, not sure what I wanted to say or how to say it, but I wrote. And it has helped heal me. It really has.

SO many memories are flooding back as I sit here in the quiet, just me and this computer.

It was here that I came when I didn't know what else to do.

It was here when the Lord gave me words to help myself and by many testimonies, so many others.

I miss being here. I miss writing about my day to day struggles and victories…. and I mostly miss saying your name.

I wish my days allowed more time to sit in the quiet with you.. but they don't.
And honestly that 's okay because the noise and the busyness of your brothers and sister is what I need in this season of my life. God knew it's exactly what I needed and it truly is.

I sat there today with Jonah and Emmaline playing quietly and watched the first snow flurries of the season fall softly to the ground; and I thanked God and thought for you.

Your baby brother and sister have done something wonderful for my heart. They have restored a hope and a joy that truly has help to heal me. I'm so thankful for that.. and for God's amazing mercy on me.

As I sat there and thought of you, so many things crossed my mind..

Who would you be as you would be turning 5?
What kind of party would you ask for?
What would your little voice sound like?
Would your hair still be that beautiful dark brown?
What color would your eyes be?
Would you love music as I thought you would?
Would you sing all the time, my sweet bird?
Who would be your favorite princess?
Would you love to dance and spin?
Would we have tea parties and get manicures?
Would you still look just like your Daddy?
Which brother would you be the most like?
Who would you be???

So many questions…

For a long time I would get so sad as I would think about them.. And I still do a little..
But it's okay. I'm really okay.

I guess, I just really miss you.          

I know I always will and I know that will never change. Time has helped some and God has healed me in ways I truly didn't think possible.

Honestly, His grace is so amazing.. but you know that don't you sweet girl?

Oh how I wish I could see what you see, and experience what you have. Eternity with Jesus.. What that must be like? I'm so glad one day, I too will know.

I'm so glad your Daddy shared Jesus with me almost 17 years ago.. He loves me so much that he wanted to make sure I could spend eternity there too. He's amazing Maddie Grace. I love him so much! He truly makes me better.. He makes everyone better, really. I wish you could know him down here.

Sometimes I just sit and think about my story and how I met your Daddy and how I got saved. Then we were married and started our family. I love our little story. I still can't believe that God blessed me with all 5 of you in 8 short years.. He is so good. I never even thought I could have babies and wow was I so wrong. I'm thankful for that.

I feel like my life's calling is truly to be a Mom. I'm not always the best.. I'm impatient, I get frustrated, and sometimes I feel like I'm totally failing… but goodness I love it. I love mothering and guiding and helping these little people to grow. Sometimes I get sad that I don't get that with you, but then I have to remind myself, God has you.. and you truly need nothing else.

But, as your birthday approaches I'm emotional, because around here we like to do birthdays big. =)
I wish I could throw you a party and watch you eat cake in a big tutu and dance around with your little friends and giggle. I wish it more than anything.. But I know and I have to remind myself that none of it really matters. For you are where we all would love to be. You're with the one who made birthdays possible. The giver of life.. it never ceases to amaze me.

I had an extremely hard time this year on Jonah's birthday. I'm not really sure why?
I mean 4 isn't one of the bigger milestones… but then it dawned on me… he's such a comfort to me and has been since 8 weeks after I lost you.. He gave me a glimmer of hope during the darkest and hardest time of my life. He gave me continued purpose. Now he's growing up and becoming more independent and it just reminded me, time is passing… Jonah is 4 which means Maddie would be turning 5.. it took my breath away, it truly did..

5… you would be 5?

Only by the grace of God have I survived it.

I miss you as much today as the morning you left me.

I can still smell you. I can still feel your sweet hair against my cheek.

I can still see your sweet face and your bright eyes staring right at me.

I can still hear your Daddy singing gently to you down the hall in your nursery.

I can still remember finally getting you to sleep after a long sleepless night.

I try to forget all that came after that but it's still there.. like a scar that I see every day. It will always remain, reminding me of how far I have come and who I am today.

In time it has faded but it's still there. And it makes me miss you.

Oh how I miss you my love.
Oh how I long to be with you again.
Oh how I'm thankful for just the 2 days that I had to fall completely in love with you.

You, sweet girl changed me.

Forever.

I still struggle, I still fail, I still disappoint myself, the Lord and others.
I still have to make a complete effort every day to find joy in everything, as there is such a sadness that has lingered in my heart since the day you left me.

But everyday, I find it. Somehow I do.

I know some of that strength comes from you. And the rest from the Lord.

I miss you Maddie Grace and I truly know my heart will never heal completely. And I don't' want it to. You are ever present in my heart, in my mind and in our day to day lives.

You are my #3, my first baby girl. My dream come true.
You were my bundle of pink after 2 boys. The joy in my heart and smile on my face. And you still bring me that joy, everyday.

I still see you… in the birds, in the pink skies and in the beautiful fluffy white snowflakes.

Every time I stand in front of Cinderella's castle, I feel you.

Every milestone I watch Emmaline learn, I see you.

With every mother/daughter moment I experience with her, I know you're still there.

Whenever I hear or see or speak of grace. You're there.

You always make your way into our photographs and you live on always here at our farm.

You're with us. Others may not see you, but your here.

And for that I'm thankful.

You make me not afraid to talk about God, or Jesus or Heaven.. because it's personal to me now. More than ever.

Oh Maddie I love how you have given me such a story to share… of God's grace. It's amazing the lives you have touched sweet girl.. but you know, don't you? It's truly amazing.

So this year as your birthday approaches, I will do my best to smile.

I can't throw you a party, and I won't be having a panic attack thinking about you going off to Kindergarten next fall, but that's okay..

Because you are right where you need to be.  And so am I.

You are exactly where God wanted you.. and one day I will be with you.

Oh Heaven how I long for thee...

I try to think about Heaven and imagine how wonderful of a time you must be having. It gives me so much hope.. and also peace for the day.
I thank God for His peace.

Life is good sweet girl. I'm truly the happiest I've ever been. Noah, Elijah, Jonah and Emmaline bring me more joy and more love that I deserve. They are amazing.

We had such a sweet Christmas.. I honestly didn't want it to end… but as it did there was my pink sunset and the hope of a new day with God's fresh mercy the next morning.

Our life is not perfect.. and I never want it to be..

Being broken makes me happy… because it makes me need God more.

Thank you for helping me with that.

I truly am better, Maddie Grace because of you.

And though I don't get to mother you and watch you grow down here, I'm blessed. Our connection goes much deeper and much farther… to Heaven and back. That is so amazing to me.

SO on your birthday, I will look through your pictures and likely cry =), and I'll hold and smell your little outfits like I always do.. We will visit your spot and send you balloons and sing happy birthday as we do each year..

But this year, it's different.. and I'm okay.
I'm finding my way and I'm continuing to grow in God's grace.

I'm happy even though I'm sad if that makes any sense at all. =)

My sweet friend Jennie wrote to encourage me today (and talking of her own experience with her daughter) she said this… "I'm in the settled stage with Elaine-- not life of course =), but I'm settled. It's good when my thoughts go to her. Not to say there aren't rough days-- they come… but she's settled in my heart. "

I couldn't have spoken it better… I truly know what she means and that's exactly how I'm feeling…

Settled.

Please thank Jesus for sending me little angels on this earth to help and encourage me along the way.. It truly helps me so much..

And if there's one thing I truly need on the 6th and the 8th it's strength.

Strength to smile.
Strength to laugh.
Strength to rejoice that you never had to know the pain of this life.

Oh I miss you Maddie… I really do.

But I feel so much better.

I feel settled.. I just needed to share with you my heart. <3

Happy 5th Birthday my love!

1 Peter  5:10
But the God of all grace, who hath called us into his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you…


Much Love,
Mommy