February 6, 2014
I'm sitting here tonight in a dark, quiet house while all the ones I love dearly are sleeping.
I can't seem to find myself able to rest as my mind races and ponders so many things that are going on in our lives right now.
It feels very similar to how I felt many nights after the passing of our sweet Madeline.
And just like those nights, the only way I seemed to find a relief to my echoing thoughts is to just get them onto paper.
As I sat in Church tonight and listened to my precious Rick bring a message to our congregation, I was so very grateful that the Lord had led him to preach on this very topic.
It's a verse I've read many times and something I have struggled with so often in my life, when I was going through hardships or heartache...
He reminded us to simply...
As He brought forth the message, I found myself sitting in the pew and thinking, how glad I am that God knew this was exactly what I needed to hear tonight.
As time moves forward and closer to the impending arrival of our sweet Emmaline, I have so many fears and unsettling thoughts.
What if God chooses to call her home too?
What if she isn't born healthy?
What if I am decorating this beautiful nursery for her, much like I did for her sister, and she will not get to enjoy it.. Or wear these beautiful clothes?
What if it just isn't God's will that I raise a daughter?
So many thoughts, so many questions.. So many fears.
Maybe they sound crazy to you but to me... I've been there. I've experienced them and I fear that they will happen again.
I'm sure it's just Satan trying to make me doubt the Lord and I truly don't.
Every day I ask Him for peace and grace and mercy to carry on.
Every day I truly believe that He loves me and has my best interest at hand. But my heart aches for what I had and lost and I pray so sincerely that I will not experience that again.
So as I listened to Rick remind us that God loves us and He is our refuge through the storm, my heart found comfort. He reminded us that God is there during our heartaches and fears and all we have to do is simply wait on Him and Be still, truly believing that He is God and He loves us.
In the moments after Madeline went to Heaven, when I couldn't seem to find comfort or peace, I would go to Him. Through prayer and through His Word, He would comfort me and give me strength.
In those quiet moments alone with the Lord seeking His face, He truly gave me grace. He offered a love and a comfort and a healing that no one else could.
In the silence and in the stillness, He drew me close to Him and calmed the storm that raged inside of my heart. Sure my heart was aching, but He truly calmed me as He wrapped His loving arms around me.
I'll never forget those moments I spent with the Lord. I want to always be able to go back to the deepest, darkest place I've been to, where the sorrow seemed so great that I could barely breathe; and remember it was Him that brought me through it. He carried me.
And as Rick mentioned tonight, Sometimes we have to wait for God to calm the waves and make the storm cease and then He'll call us to Him...
I feel like in my life I have experienced just that.
And at this moment in my life, I feel like I'm finding joy again that I thought I would never feel. I'm finding myself happy again and full of life like the "Natalie" before she lost her little girl.
I'll never fully be that girl again, before the loss of my child. I'm different, I am changed; but only God can help me to pick up the pieces and move forward. And He has.
So tonight I'm giving those fears once again to the Lord and asking Him to calm my heart. To help me to truly just be still and trust Him.
His love is greater than any love I've ever experienced.
His love is perfect.
So as I type these words and feel my precious daughter kicking and hiccupping inside of me, I'm grateful. I find peace and now I feel as though I can rest.
This may not be the life I imagined to have, but I truly believe that the Lord is doing something beautiful in my life.
And Lord willing in 11 short weeks, I will get to see that beauty in the flesh.
Until then, I will try my best to just simply "Be still and know that He is God..."
Are you hurting tonight dear friend, do you feel heartbroken and alone?
Please run to Him. He will calm the storm inside of you and provide a comfort that can not be found anywhere else.
You just simply just have to trust Him and to be still and wait. He loves you and He has a perfect plan for your life. And while you may not understand it now, one day He will reveal all things to us. In His time.
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God:
Posted by Natalie Ross at 12:37 AM