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January 25, 2012

Rainbow of Hope....

A date. A time.


A sound. A smell.


A word. A feeling.


It's amazing how these simple everyday things can take you somewhere.


You can recall an exact time and place in life.


You can feel a moment again.


You can remember everything about that day.


Some of these reminders are good. The song played at your wedding. The smell of your first born baby.


Then there are those reminders of moments you wish you could just forget forever.


For me, that was the entire day of January the 8th.


In a moment, everything changed. So many reminders take me back there.

How do I get passed that day? How do I "forget" that day. How do I escape that moment? How do I go on without her?


The answer is... Day by day, with the Lord leading me. Day by day through prayer and His word.


I'll never forget the words and sounds and smells from that day. I'll never forget holding her that one last time. I remember my Mom asking me "Don't you just want to look at her." 


I just wanted to feel her. I wanted to forever remember her weight in my arms. Her sweet soft hair on my cheek. I always wanted to cling to that moment.


Today, I can remember it just like that day. I can feel her.


So as the day broke this year, January the 8th; I was there. One year later, I was in that place and time again.


The fears, the anxiety, the news... It resounded in my heart and mind before I even opened my eyes that morning.


I had a nightmare during the night that I was looking for her in my room. It was much like the nightmares I was having following her passing. Night after night, I would wake up with these nightmares. I would ask Rick where she was and he would reply, "She's in Heaven, Nat."


The pain cut deep.


I knew once this day was upon me I would have a hard time. I was struggling.


 I managed to get myself up that morning, knowing that my family needed me. Jonah needed me.


I picked him up out of his bassinet. He was so warm and sweet, so full of life.


I rocked him and nursed him. I changed him and dressed him. I was so glad he was with me that morning.


Rick and the boys had already left for Church and I was coming behind them. My eyes were filled with tears all morning and I couldn't help but be sad.


This was the worst day of my life, just one year prior.


This was the day my world and my heart was shattered.


Remember this?

This is how my world felt. I didn't know where to go, how to possibly go on when I felt like I was broken in two. My heart was in pieces.

I was broken. So very broken.

But slowly, by His grace, God is restoring me. He is helping me. I will never be whole again. I will always have a broken heart.

I will always be missing my Maddie in my life. I am broken over her.



Yet the Lord has helped me to put the pieces back together, and to be honest, I think my life is more beautiful now because of her.


I would rather have had her, loved her and lost her, than to have never had her at all. But the truth is, I haven't "lost" her... I know right where she is, and I 'm gonna be with her again.


One sweet day, we will be together again.

Sure, I have to go through this life broken by some means. But as I have quoted in the past... "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

I want the light of the Lord in my life.

So, if this is the trial I had to go through to truly see that. To feel that. I'm okay.

Not only will "I" see her again, but so will every person who's life that was eternally changed because of her testimony. All of those who heard her story and were convicted to accept Christ, they will see her too.

Everyone who is saved will get to go to Heaven and be with our Saviour and Lord. We will also get to be with Maddie.

I love when people tell me that they can't wait to meet her and thank her in Heaven. It helps my pain hurt just a little less knowing she has changed lives. I'm so proud of her.

Would I have given her. No

But am I allowing God to use her? Absolutely

Am I letting Him use me? I'm trying my absolute best.

She has made me better. I say it all the time but it's true.

I pulled myself together that morning and headed out the door with Jonah. I was so grateful that this "date" just so "happened"' to fall on a Sunday; my favorite day of the week.

I walked in that morning and no one had to say anything to me. It was on my face. I was hurting.

I received more hugs than I can count that day. More smiles were glanced my way. More prayers were lifted up on my behalf. I could feel them.

I listened to the choir sing.

I listened to the words. Songs of Heaven. Songs of Grace.

That seemed fitting.

Rick finished his duties as the Assistant Pastor and then came and sat beside me. He usually asks for Jonah, but not this morning. He knew I needed him in my arms.

And I did.

I pictured myself back at her funeral. I saw the tiny casket. I remembered putting my head in my hands as I listened to "I will carry you."

It killed me.

But the one thing I remembered more than anything was the words my Pastor spoke. The words everyone remembers.

"The God that was good on Thursday, was still good on Saturday." -Pastor Ross

And He was. I just wanted to feel His goodness that morning. Satan was fighting me.

The next thing I knew, our sweet friend Joey began speaking.

He mentioned that before he sang his special, he wanted everyone to know that he wrote this song for us and for Maddie.

(Tears)

He mentioned that he was inspired by mine and Rick's strength in the Lord, and the fact that we didn't give up while walking through our hardest trial in life.

What a blessing.

The piano started and with it came more tears.

It was beautiful. Almost like a lullaby but with conviction. Every note he played held my heart captive.

I listened to the words...

The God of Yesterday

(Verse One)

It was late on Thursday night, their baby girl had arrived
and oh what joy was shown upon their face.

But little did they know, that on Saturday she'd go
To live in a much better place.

Their plans and all their dreams, were not what they seemed
How could this all come to play.

But with their broken hearts, and their worlds torn apart
Still they could raise their heads to say...

(Chorus)
The God of yesterday, is still the same.

He's never changed.

He said He holds tomorrow, so I won't be afraid.

Cause the God of yesterday is still the same.

(Verse Two)

The weeks and months they came, but still they felt the same.
How could they get through this trial.

But with family, faith and friends, they'd find there strength again.
Hand in hand every step of the mile.

Though some had questioned why, God would take their precious child
and leave their arms aching to hold.

But through their faith in Him, many souls were saved from sin
all because their story was told.

(Chorus)

The God of yesterday, He's still the same.

He's never changed.

He said He holds tomorrow so I won't be afraid.

Cause the God of yesterday is still the same...

(Tag)

When we don't understand...

His will or His plan....

When things are out of control....

He'll send a rainbow of Hope...

(Chorus)

The God of yesterday, He's still the same.

He's never changed.

He said He holds tomorrow so I won't be afraid.

Cause the God of yesterday is still the same...


The God of yesterday is still the same.

~Joey Day

Wow.

I was sobbing.

There wasn't a dry eye in our Church. They all loved Maddie. They all love us.

Joey's song touched my heart that morning in a way nothing else could have. Thank you, Joey.

And though I was so sad about the day and missing Maddie Grace more than ever. I knew I would be okay. We would be okay.

The words fit us perfectly, and when He got to the part where he said "God sends a rainbow of Hope," I lost it. I laid my head on Jonah's sweet cheek and I wept and wept. I loved that Joey called him that. Joey was right.

He did.

Our story is sad. Our story is heart wrenching. Our story speaks volumes of Grace.

But our story didn't end when our daughter passed away.

God sent that rainbow. God sent Jonah, our rainbow baby.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Jonah truly is our "Rainbow of Hope" and every day he reminds us that God's grace is real, and he teaches us to continue to hope in Him.

God is good. He's still the same.

On the saddest day of the year for me, I have so much hope.

I don't think it was just by "chance" that Jonah was in my arms that morning as I faced my worst fears and memories head on.

God knew just what I needed and He provided that day. Every day.

I love you Jonah Asher. I will always look at you with so much love and hope. I'm so thankful you have renewed ours...


I left that morning with a smile on my face. What a blessing.

It was not only the one year anniversary of Maddie Grace being in Heaven.

It was the one month milestone of Jonah Asher being with us on earth, and for the rest of the day, I celebrated him.

My heart may have cracks and be missing pieces, but I still have so much love to give, and that day, I gave every ounce of it to him.

My rainbow of Hope.

Here are some one month pictures of him.

Enjoy =)
























Rick and Joey recorded the song this week but I am going to wait a little longer to post it. Rick is putting it to video like Maddie's birthday video. It's going to be great and I CAN'T wait for you all to hear it. I'll post it as soon as I can. I promise, it's worth the wait. =)

Much Love,
Natalie

12 comments:

  1. I love your story and your beautiful babies but I have a question and I'm not trying to be rude but wy don't you talk about your older 2 boys! They are so beautiful as we'll and it just seems like they are forgotten about.. your family is always in my prayers!

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    1. This blog was started for Maddie... She is sharing the story of her life. I am sure if you have ever seen anything else that Natalie has done, her son's are far from being forgotten... Just a reminder that she started this blog about Madeline Grace Ross, God's gift of Grace...

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    2. I assure you, you could not find a mother who cherishes ALL her children to a greater extent than Natalie. What is here is what is on her mind at the moment and a tribute to her daughter. Please know the blessings of her two older children are anything but forgotten!

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  2. I talk about them quite often actually but here recently I've been dealing with the year anniversary of Maddie. So I've been speaking more of her and of course Jonah since he was just born. Stay tuned and you'll see plenty more of them.=) They are my little joys in life!

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    Replies
    1. I bet they are! I was only asking since I started following I haven't sen much on them and I know when I lost ours at 13 weeks old I couldn't get thru a day without my older 2 boys! I do love your blogs though and your sweet baby boy!

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    2. You really should read back from the beginning. My boys and the Lord were what got me through. They still are. :)

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  3. That truly was a BEAUTIFUL song! I loved it and I can't wait till the video comes ! :)
    ~Bailee Baumann

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  4. I LOVE all the pictures of Mr Jonah! He is so precious!! Especially that second one of him in the I think its a hoot hoot outfit. he has an expression just like his big brothers!! I am so glad that Joey wrote you that song, and I can't wait to hear it. as i was reading the words I was wishing I could hear it. I feel so blessed to have followed you on your journey, and seeing you all grow. All your boys are gorgeous. I love them each one. And Miss Maddie...well I think of her quite often. Pretty much every evening at least. When my hubby gets home from work I go to the gym, and its right around sunset. It's been a bright pink sunset a lot lately...every time...I think of Maddie. One of these days I'm gonna have to have a detour from the gym and take some pictures. :)

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  5. The words to the song were beautiful just like your post. You amaze and inspire me more each day. Thank you for sharing about being broken and letting God shine through the cracks that were still there. I hope you don't mind if I share it on my facebook page. Love ya and praying for you!!!

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  6. Absolutely gorgeous post. Thank you!

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  7. What a beautiful song! Can't wait to see the video! The pictures of Jonah are just precious!

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  8. Such a beautiful little boy you have Natalie. My, how he looks like your sweet Maddie Grace. I am so glad you had Jonah in your arms on one of the most trying days of your life. God knew exactly what He was doing. He always does. Joey is no exception either. What a great person he must be to write such a heart felt song for you both. You are blessed. Praying for you always!

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