Mother's day and Maddie bird reminders...

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed. ~Linda Wooten

Those words are so absolutely true.

What a beautiful description of motherhood.

The day I became a mother, I became a new person. The person God had planned for me to be. A wife, yes, and now a mother.

I'll never forget my firstborn being placed into my arms for the first time. He looked at me and that was it. I was his mother. He was my son. Forever.

Ever ounce of selfishness died within me in that moment and I knew from that day forward, I had a completely new role in life. To mother this child.

I learned through the sleepless nights and exhausting days what true love was. My Husband and I learned together how to put self aside and learned to show our child that he could depend on us.

Fears have come and gone with each new "lesson" being parents has taught us. But strength, it continues to come with each new chapters our children face.

Our book isn't very long yet, but we most definitely have covered a lot of pages. We've survived some of the best times and undoubtedly the worst a parent could face.

But we've survived.

As we've traveled from infancy to preschool age and now to a school age child, we are learning.

Our children are teaching us. God is teaching us.

Life proves to mold us and make us into who we are and who our little boys are becoming.

Motherhood and Fatherhood are beautiful things for us. We do not take them lightly.

So as Mother's day approached this year, I pondered these things...

Where am I as a mother? How do my children see me? How does the Lord see me?

Sure I need some work in areas such as my patience level, but how am I truly doing as a Mother?

I do not lack compassion. I do not lack in nurture. I do not lack in faithfulness and love.

But do I measure up? Am I a good mother to the precious children God has entrusted me with?

I do not know. I hope to be. I strive to be.

Yet, I struggle.

January 8th 2011 changed me forever.

The day my daughter left my arms for our Savior's will forever be a part of my memory and my life.

To look at the children the Lord has blessed me with is amazing. To smile and pose for a picture on the day in which being their mother is celebrated is precious.

But yet in my heart, I'm so very sad.

For when I look down at them, I do not count 4 heads, but three. I hear three voices and see three little faces and sets of eyes.

This hurts my heart.

They say that when you have a child, it is as if your heart is walking around outside your body. I believe it's true. You hurt when they hurt. You smile when they smile. You do everything in your power to comfort them or ease their pain. You give them the world.

But how do you do those things if you child is not here?

I miss my daughter... And tonight I just need to write about her.

I try not to count and think about it, but I wonder what she would look like? What would her cute little 16 month old self be doing. What would her personality be? What would her voice sound like when she called for me?

I just wish I could know.

I know I will not have these answers until Heaven and I will wait. She's worth waiting for.

I just guess I struggle. With fear. With heartache.

Fear that something bad could happen again.

Heartache over missing someone so great, my sweet Maddie girl.

My Mother's day was beautiful. My husband and my boys made it the most wonderful day possible.

They took me shopping and picked out a new dress for me. They surprised me with red roses from the boys and a white rose from Madeline. And they bought a special pink heart charm for my Pandora bracelet just from "Maddie".

I was happy and I truly enjoyed my day. I told Rick the sorrow hadn't hit me yet, but I knew it would. Tonight it did.

I'll never be able to escape the sadness and grief completely and I know that. I'm glad Maddie is part of my life, even if it means living with pain.

I guess tonight I just miss her.

As I kissed my boys goodnight I thought of her. I saw her in their faces.

As I put the baby down, I prayed that I would wake to another morning with him. He looks just like her. His personality makes me wonder, would hers have been like this? I can't help but wonder.

I may feel a little down tonight, but one thing is for sure, I love being a mother.

To my children here on earth, and to my precious daughter in Heaven.

I'm thankful for all the people who have truly learned to grieve with me and help me along this process of living without my Maddie Grace. And to those of you who have, thank you.

I am so blessed by the countless notes and Mother's day cards that included sweet "maddie birdies." I'm also thankful for the beautiful flowers and even Angel of "healing" willow tree. They all made me smile.

I know I am the mother of a beautiful little girl, and I am blessed by that.

I guess tonight, I just wish I could have to here to watch her grow.

I absolutely love being a mother, and I'm so very happy that God chose to let me be one.

Noah, Elijah, Madeline and Jonah, you will never truly know what you have brought to my life.

My prayer is that I'm the kind of mother you want and need.

Please God continue to mold me into what you want me to be. And please Lord, help with the pain as I mother without one of my children present.

I feel like a Bird who has lost a sweet one from her nest. I feel helpless and hurt, but I know that my little birdie has taken flight to you and for that, I am thankful.

Dueteronomy 32:11-12
¹¹ As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings:

¹² So the Lord alone did lead him, and there was no strange god with him.

Thank you Lord for continuing to bless my nest and for continuing to lead me......

I appreciate you for listening my heart tonight.

May we all find our way down this road of Motherhood no matter where that road may lead us, may we continue to look to our Lord, as He bears us upon his wings.

Much Love,
Natalie