This morning while driving Noah to school I was thinking about so many things. But mostly, I was thinking about Maddie Grace.
Walking to my car, I saw a yard full of birds and I couldn't help but think of her and wonder what she's doing up in Heaven.
Down here, she would be 7 1/2 months old now. She would be eating baby food. Crawling everywhere. And most likely be saying "Mama." When I think about these things, I get so sad... But then I look around at all the blessings I do have, and I have to smile. I really am blessed, even though she isn't here.
It doesn't make me stop missing her any, but I do find joy in the moments we shared together throughout my pregnancy and her 2 precious days of life.
The boys seem to be doing better and are starting to look so forward to Baby Jonah, but there are still some reservations in Elijah's heart.
Just yesterday, He asked me "When will Baby Jonah Asher go to Heaven?" It broke my heart but I had to realize, he doesn't know any better. The last thing he remembers was my big belly and then his little sister coming. And then, like that, she was gone. Poor thing.
Everyday this week, when we dropped Noah off to school, he told me he wished she could come back. I know why. He wants a playmate. He wants someone here with him the way we planned for months. I wish so much it could be this way.
But it's in those moments God speaks to me. He reaches his loving arms down and holds me. He fills my heart with peace and grace. And in those moments, I'm thankful.
I recently posted some pictures of our vacation on Facebook. I put a picture up of Maddie's little shoes on the beach. Remember these?
I posted under this picture these words. "I pictured such a different family vacation. Her little feet did not take her where I thought they would. But I feel so blessed to have had her for as long as I did. ♥"
My sweet friend Jodie posted a comment with these words "Her little feet are walking on streets of gold....her little hand in our fathers, and she is watching over you guys and her precious brothers everyday! God did bless you so very much :)"
Oh what a thought of my sweet Maddie Grace walking (or maybe crawling :) over those streets of gold holding the hand of our Lord.
What a blessing to think that.
I got to enjoy this with her...
And now she is enjoying Our Father and Heaven. That is a blessing.
God gives grace. Everyday. He gives grace to get through.
After dropping Noah off, I turned up my music and this song was playing on one of my cd's. The words are perfect and comforted me so much.
Please listen to the words of this song. I know it will bless your heart like it did mine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmEa5tqP4sU
Beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteThat breaks my heart that your children must fear along with you in there innocent little minds that this baby too will not last. I'm sorry that these words are part of your daily life. I love that you see the blessings around you and that those pictures are held so dear. You haven't forgotten and that is what counts.
ReplyDelete~Felicia
I was going to say coincidence, but I know it wasn't. I know it is God. I have been listening and singing this song all day, then I read your post, and clicked the link thinking it surely wasn't the same song... Thank you for posting..you just never know how much your words help others through and direct them to look to Jesus. your words are a blessing and your beautiful Maddie Grace is still blessing so many lives. thank you.
ReplyDeleteNatalie, I have read several posts of your blog and I think it is so beautiful how you are trusting God through these huge storms.
ReplyDeleteI've debated whether to ask this, because the last thing I want to do is bring back all your pain, and I know that answers don't heal the pain of losing Maddie. But I'm curious what happened to her that caused her to pass away? Did they just attribute it to SIDS or was something else going on? Feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but just hadn't seen anything about it in any of your posts.
Praying for you and your family, and especially for precious Jonah to be safe and healthy. God is doing beautiful things through Maddie's life.
Yes, we lost Maddie to SIDS. That is the cause of death but I don't talk about it much because I know ultimately, she just stopped breathing because God just wanted her home. I believe it was His will and though I may never understand it, until Heaven, I just know that He has always been in control.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet words.
Much Love,
Natalie
Natalie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for answering. And you are 100% right; nothing happens apart from God's plan, and NOTHING takes Him by surprise. Will continue to pray for you guys.