Today...

6/26/11

Today is Sunday.

Last week was an amazing week and soon I will catch up and write all about it, but today,

Today was hard.

It's been a long while since I've had a melt down and I really don't know the reason for it. I was in Church this morning. I was encouraged by my SS class. I was inspired by the morning message and all the songs, but I'm struggling.

I know that Satan would love to see me struggle and get down and off course. I know that He knows my heart is revived right now and I feel so close to  the Lord.

And I'm not going to let him win. I won't.

I just need to vent to people who I know love me and to some of you who can empathize.

I JUST MISS MY DAUGHTER.

I just miss her.

I want to hold her. I want to call her name. I want to make her giggle and coo. I want to give her a bath. I want to cuddle her and feed her. I just want her.

It's been a while since I've had a break down like this and I know that it's still pretty normal in the grieving process. (whatever that is)

Some (well all) my heart just hurts. My arms just ache and I just need a little more reassurance from those who love me.

Today is one of those days.

I think Rick knew pretty quick this morning, today would be one of those days and he's been doing his dead level best to keep me on track and a smile on my face. Some days I don't know what I would do without him.

I decided to come home after Church and rest (which I'm totally not doing by the way) lol and He took the boys over to his Mom's for a nap while he worked on our boat.

As soon as I pulled into the driveway, I headed strait in the house and upstairs to Maddie's room. Even though she never spent one night there, I still go there to feel close to her. That room is a reflection of my heart for her. The preparation just shows my love and my excitement while expecting her.

I found myself in there weeping. I was clinging onto the tiny bassinet of the few items she used. I cried out to God and asked for strength, and He provided.

I just wanted to hold her, touch her, just one more time.

I just miss her. With every ounce of being in my body, I just miss her.

Call it emotions running high from my pregnancy hormones. Call it sensitivity. Call it what you want.

Maddie Grace passing away is the absolute hardest thing I've ever been through. Living without her every day is a challenge. Getting through this life is painful and challenging.

If you've lost a child, then you know.

If you have never been here, I pray you never will be. It's awful.

I really don't know what it was today. It might have been the new baby at Church this morning. It might have been the anxiety I'm having as I go through this new pregnancy, I don't know.

But this I do know. I love and miss my daughter more than words can express. More than touch can heal. More than time can erase. It's that deep.

Going through life knowing someone is always missing. Counting your children and knowing there should have always been one more... It's not for the faint of heart.

It. Is. Hard.

But today, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to vent and cry and ask God for strength. Then I'm going to press on, for my family, for my Lord.

I know there will be hard days, probably for the rest of my life. But as my sweet friend Tabatha said in her blog post that I just read...

 "My life is not defined by her death, but by her life"... I love that! Well said Tabatha!

She also said this..

"I'm going to live like she did, breathing precious life into Her death was and continues to be a painstaking reality. But I don't have to live my life dwelling on the questions, beating myself up and continuously asking why. I'll get my answers one day, not in this Earthly life... but one day I will.
For now, I will live and love for the life my daughter lived, for the life she breathed into her existence. The existence she breathed into me. That my friends is what it is about." 
http://savannaswings.blogspot.com/2011/06/letting-go.html

I agree with her. That is what it is all about.

So today Maddie Grace, Mommy really misses you. Today, I have cried out and wished I could hold you just one more time. Today, my heart aches.

But. Today, I will live and love for the life you lived and for the joy you have given me.

I love you Madeline Grace. Thank you for your love.