Holding onto you...

Hope means holding onto you...

Grace means, your holding me too...

These words.

Wow, do they describe the last 2 months of my life completely.

Standing in the kitchen this past week, I heard these words in a song and immediately felt completely comforted.

It was another one of those moments where I truly felt God's arms around me...

The truth is, when Jonah was born my smile returned. He has brought so much love and joy back into the lives of our grieving family. He truly has restored all our hope and more.

But, our sad days do still come, and pain is still a very real part of our hearts and lives.

When I woke up on Monday and saw the snow and heard the birds chirping outside, it made me happy yet sad. Happy because both of these things remind me so much of my sweet daughter, but sad because they also remind me of the similarity to the days and months spent without her last winter. Those days are tough...

Then, Eli was especially missing her this week. He talked all about her and how she was the best sister. :(  He still talks about her all the time and he is always asking to buy her things. Sometimes I don't know if he really thinks we can somehow give them to her? I'm happy he speaks her name but I can't help but sometimes wish it was different. He bought her a little pink bunny that we took over to her grave this week. Before we left, he bowed his little head and started praying to God. He asked God if He would send Maddie back. =(

We still miss Maddie Grace. We always will.

So as I struggled a little this week, I just keep remembering the words of this song.

Hope is holding onto You... Grace is You holding me too.

God's grace is holding me. He continues to hold me up everyday. One day closer to our Maddie Grace.

I'm so thankful God gave us Jonah. Oh how he helps us through on the hard days. When mine and Rick's and the boys hearts are sad, we can look to him. We can hold him. God sent him especially for us during the hardest time of our lives.

His sweet little smiles and giggles light up the room. His presence brings happiness to all of us. His precious kissable chubby cheeks and sweet snuggles are so fulfilling. He has helped us all in ways we couldn't have imagined.

The last two months with him have been amazing.

I love holding him.

I don't like to put him down. (Don't worry, I do some :) but after having aching arms to hold Madeline for so long, he really fills them up. And not just mine, but Rick's and the boys too.

Jonah Bear is such a happy baby and he is the best sleeper. He's been sleeping 8-10 hours a night since he was 8 weeks old. He loves his Daddy and brothers and he follows them all over the room with his eyes. Noah can always soothe him and Elijah makes him giggle. He has the sweetest belly laugh and his brothers love to hear it. So do I.

When Rick comes home from work, Jonah lights up. It's like he really missed him. He really loves his Daddy and Rick is so good with him. He changes diapers, he helps with baths. He loves to swaddle Jonah and cuddle him. Every time I watch him with our boys, it melts my heart and makes me fall in love with him all over again.
Jonah loves to be in my arms and he loves to eat. He's a great nurser and he weighs 15 pounds now. :) He loves to snuggle with me and he really "talks" to me now and tries to mimic anything I say to him.

The bond I have with Jonah is so very special. I'm really enjoying having a newborn again. Elijah is four now, so it seems like so long ago that we had a baby around. Maddie's stay was just so brief and it left us wanting.
It seemed like just yesterday, he was placed in my arms when I experienced one of the most emotional, raw moments of my life. Since then, these last 12 weeks have just been plum full of sweet happiness with him. He truly is my sweet little boy of hope and joy.

The way it feels to hold Jonah is such a comforting, calming thing. It feels so much like how I feel when God is holding me, which is everyday.

I'm so thankful God is there. He's holding me up when I can't stand up myself. He's holding all of us.

Hope is holding on to You, Grace is you holding me to... Love that.

Much Love,
Natalie

Happy 3 months today to my sweet Jonah Asher. You really will never know just what you mean to our family!

Now I would like to share the rest of the photo's from his 2 month/Valentine Photo shoot. =)
Enjoy!

Sweet baby

Dressy baby :)

Chubby Jonah Bear

My favorite!!!

My little Dove

Noah lost his first tooth!

Love Jonah's eyes. lol

My sweet boys- Heart breakers

Love this!

My four babies <3

For the good...

One thing I LOVE is when I get to talk about my sweet little girl.

I think for a parent who has had a child go on before them: the greatest blessing to them is to hear their child's name mentioned. I love to hear her beautiful name. Madeline Grace. I just love to hear it and say it out loud.

Everyone knows it makes me happy when I get to speak of her, or when other's speak of her to me. Because I am so open here on my blog and on Facebook about talking about her, other's feel that they can be open to me when they know someone going through a similar trial. I'm thankful for this.

So many times since Madeline went to Heaven, I have been contacted by friends who know of a family/Church member or friend who has also lost a child. It seems like recently there have been so many. This breaks my heart.

I hate to know what the pain they are feeling is like. It hurts so very much, but... since I know that pain, I know how much they need prayer. And I pray.

But every now and then, I get the opportunity to do more than just pray. I get to meet and even talk with them. It's in those moments, I am so very thankful I have chosen to tell our Maddie's story.

I not only get to talk about her and say her name; but I get to tell other's about another story. His story, and what that means for us. Christ's story is the most beautiful story I've ever heard, and it's not just a story, it's a choice.

We can all(choose) to accept Him.

I've always had a desire to tell people about the Lord and try to be a great soul winner, but I can't tell you how many more opportunity's I have been given to do so since our sweet little girl went to Heaven.

I want everyone to be able to know they can go to Heaven. Heaven is wonderful!

For me now, it's even more special because I have a precious little girl there. She's waiting for me and all of our loved ones to arrive. And one day, we will meet her in the clouds. Oh how I long for that day.

But in the mean time, I'm here with a job to do. To tell other's about Christ.

I decided to to share my little girl's story and talk about her and the Lord. It's been wonderful.

Maddie's ministry was born the day of her funeral. I remember so vividly as I stood and talked about her that night at her funeral. I shared all about her. I told them it would be a shame to share about my gift of a daughter, and not share God's gift to us; His Son.

After an amazing message preached by my Pastor that night, 2 souls were saved. I remember thinking how precious that number was to me. One soul for each day she lived. So, so precious.

That night I realized, Maddie Grace's story is so very touching. It teaches us that life is brief and death is real. It happens.

Everyday, people leave our presence and face an eternity that is waiting for them.

It was then that I decided to tell Maddie's story as a means of showing people these things. Since then, I have been contacted numerous times with people sharing they have gotten saved as a result of hearing her story. What a blessing!

I have personally been able to lead dozens of people to the Lord after sharing Maddie's story and the Gospel with them. And those are just the ones I know of.

Sharing her story flows so beautifully into sharing the gospel; His story. I think He planned that all along. =) Down from the sweet name we "just so happened" to name her. God's gift of Grace.

Knowing lives have been changed and people are going to Heaven because of this is amazing. I can't tell you what a blessing this is to me. It makes the hurt, hurt just a little less.

To think of the crowns she is gaining for her precious life. My sweet Princess.

Lives have been touched. We are sharing the Grace of God and the Hope of Heaven with so many. It's been wonderful.

Just this last week though, I had the opportunity to really do something special.

One of my sweet friends contacted me and told me of a family member who lost a child about 6 months after Maddie passed away. She asked me if I could pray for him and his wife and maybe contact them. She knew I understood their pain and could share my heart on the matter.

So, after contacting her and spending time in prayer, I reached out.

I was able to speak with her for almost 2 hours and share my daughter's life and story with her. Then in return, she shared the story of her daughter with me. We then talked of God and she told me she wanted a relationship with Him. She wanted to know about the grace, peace and hope I wrote about here, on my blog.

So with a joyful heart, I shared with her all about those things and as a result; She realized the God loved her, but she was a sinner but that Christ had already paid that sin debt. She went to the Lord in prayer and asked Him to come into her heart and save her!!! And HE did!

I can't tell you what a precious moment that was for both of us.

Afterwards she just kept thanking me over and over for showing her. She said she felt SO much better and I was glad. She now knew she was on her way to Heaven. She knew she would see her daughter again...

 In the back of my mind, I just kept thinking how without Maddie's life, there would have been no way I would've met this precious girl and been able to share these things with her.

Once again, Maddie made a way. Because of her life and her story, once again I was able to share His...

After we spoke, my sweet new friend asked if I could speak to her Husband and share these things with him. I invited them both to Church on Sunday and guess what? They came.

My Pastor gave a wonderful Salvation message and after the service, this sweet couple met with Rick and I in our Pastor's office.

We spoke about the pain we've endured in the tragedy's we've gone through in the passing of our daughter's. We laughed. We cried and we shared so much.

Then Rick was able to share the Gospel with my sweet friend's Husband. With a humble heart, he too bowed and asked Christ to save him. It was amazing!

Two people we've never met and probably never would have. Two people who now know the Lord and his saving Grace. Two people on their way to Heaven.

And I know... it was because of Maddie's story.

Maddie's ministry.

That to me, will never get old! Telling people about my little girl. Saying her name and mentioning her life, all while sharing with them about Jesus and what His life meant to us.

This blesses my soul.

Maddie's ministry is truly at work and it is a blessing to be a part of!

Please keep sending your friends and loved ones my way. I would love to share with each of them, or you, all about the Lord and His Son. And if any of you have gotten saved through hearing Madeline's story, I would love for you to share that here!

I feel even closer to my sweet Maddie Grace when I know someone else will share eternity with her and our Saviour. There is just something about knowing she in Heaven and experiencing when thousands of angels rejoice over a sinner coming to Christ. What a beautiful sight and sound that must be!

As Rick has mentioned to me before, he mentioned to that precious couple that day. He said, I can only imagine what our daughter's are saying up in Heaven... "Hey, that was my Daddy who just got saved!" ~Their daughter

"And that was my Daddy who told him how." ~ Maddie Grace

This brings chills to my arms, tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

Thank you Maddie Grace for giving your Mommy a ministry. I hope I do not let you or the Lord down. Lord, I'm asking you for continued grace and strength to share my heart, so I can use this ministry for the good.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.


Much Love,
Natalie

God's gift of Grace... Sweet Maddie

Never give up hope...

About a month ago, I was doing my devotions and I was reading in the book of Psalms.

After Maddie Grace went to Heaven, this book brought me so much comfort and provided me with so much strength. I would read and the Lord would give me such wonderful verses to cling to. I still cling to them today when my heart is hurting.

I like to go back through these pages and verses. I like to see the date beside them and remember what I was feeling at that time, so I can remember just how far I've come...

On this particular day I was reading while feeding Jonah.

I was in the book of Psalms and reading Chapter 71. As I read, my sweet little 4 week old (at the time) put his little hand out and touched my Bible and kept his sweet hand there.

It was so sweet but what was even sweeter was that the chapter was on one of my favorites, "hope"...

Coincidence?

I don't think so. =) 

I continued reading thinking how precious it was his little hand was there. I read these three verses.

Psalm 71

⁵For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art my trust from my youth.
 ⁶By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou art he that took me out of my mother's bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee.
 ⁷I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge.

It took me right back to a year prior. I remember God giving me these verses right around the time when He started giving me all of my hope signs. The date was 2/13/11. Barely a month after Madeline.

I sat there thinking back. I was remembering that raw pain I was experiencing. I remember thinking it hurt to take the next breath. Every day was such a challenge to get through. Every step forward I took was such an accomplishment.

It was all still so fresh in my mind, still 13 months later.

Then Jonah moved his little hand and left it right here. It was like He was saying "Now  Mommy, read this one".... so I did.

(Chills)

...But I will hope continually...

I grabbed my phone and snapped these pictures as I sat there feeling Gods goodness.

Oh what a difference a year makes.

A year ago, I had hope only in my heart.

But now, I have hope in my arms.

Jonah is my living breathing hope.

I can't express to you exactly what he means to me. As I type these words I have tears in my eyes and a sweet baby boy sleeping on my chest. There really are no words to describe to you how that feels... just amazing. Truly amazing...

I remember when Rick and I decided to add to our family after Noah and Eli. We were ready for another, and our final baby... I remember finding out I was expecting. I remember being elated, just to be let down 11 weeks later.

I made it through that miscarriage. I made it through that surgery. Empty arms and a sad heart left me there aching.

Then God blessed us again a few months later. I made it to the end of my pregnancy, no problems. No concerns. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl and held her. My arms were full. We had our baby.

Then just a mere two days later, she was gone. She was back with the One who gave her to us. Our arms ached even more. But we are surviving through the passing of our sweet little girl. 

We've survived a funeral and a year without our precious Madeline Grace. Some of our dreams in this life have faded, but one thing is for sure; we have never given up hope. Never.

We've trusted in the Lord continually and He has provided.

So you can see just how much we needed Jonah, just what he means. To me. To all of us.

When the pain comes and it does still, we all hold on to Jonah. Our hope.

Our family has really been missing Maddie Grace this past week. It must have been Valentine's Day and remembering how hard it was this time last year.

Noah and Elijah have been talking about her a lot. We thought of her while we were playing at the Great Wolf Lodge. Rick bought a beautiful glass rose for her grave. Eli even asked to buy her a cute pink frilly dress at the store. The boys tell people all about their sister and how they had one.

She is still such a part of our conversation just the way she is a part of our hearts.

We miss her.

Rick and I have recently shed some tears and talked a lot about our beautiful girl. Our hearts sill hurt so much. We ache for her everyday, but every we wake up to Gods grace, and our sweet little hope baby.

We hold Jonah and our little boys and we are reminded just how much we have and we try not to focus on what we do not. We do not give up. We can't.

Though at times it's overwhelming. Though at times the pain still cuts so deep.

We still have hope.

Every day.

I am praying specifically for some sweet friends and families who are near and dear to my heart. They are hurting too.

I'm praying for a sweet friend who has cancer.

I'm praying for precious friends who are struggling with infertility.

I'm praying for some other sweet Mommas who are expecting babies after the loss of a child.

And just recently, I've started praying for a missionary family whose 3 year old daughter went home to be with Jesus.

All of these situations are heartbreaking. All of these people are hurting.

always hope. Always.

May we place our hope in the Lord and never give up when we face the unimaginable.

Whatever it is in your life, and mine.

We can get through it if we never give up hope.

"For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth." Psalm 71:5

"But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more." Psalm 71:14

"Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope."Psalm 16:9

"Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD." Psalm 31:24

"Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;" Romans 12:12

"For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope." Romans 15:4

Isn't the Word of God such a comforting, beautiful thing? =)

Much love (and hope) to you,

Natalie